Is there anything that has a shorter shelf life than a topical sketch that isn't selected? I mean besides that Skittle you found in the sofa cushion. It's rough. You pull together a decent take on today's headlines only to learn they didn't pick your sketch to be in this week's show. Then what? Submit it around to the hundreds of comedy troupes that are looking for sketches from strangers? Or just send them to the reboot of MAD-TV...that's still on the air, right? Or, you just start posting on your own blog because you never know (actually you do, but you do it anyway). Then there's this bit. With the way they keep releasing Star Wars movies, maybe it could be topical again. Or evergreen. With TV and film all on demand, movie and TV parodies can keep coming in any time.
Star Insurance Inc.
2/6/18
(The office, with AGENT 1, AGENT 3 and GILBERT seated at their desks, shooting the breeze.)
Agent 1: Did you see that game last night?
Gilbert: I did indeed, Bof, I thought Tatooni had it wrapped up. I can’t believe they blew it in the 4th parsec!
Agent 3: What did you expect, with that Ewok they brought up from the minors? Of course they were going to choke! Me and Del ZumMight got to go to the stadium.
Gilbert: You were at the game? You womp rat!
(BOSS enters.)
BOSS: Gilbert!
Gilbert: Yes, Mr. LunarCycle?
Boss: I just got a call from some flunky over at the First Order!
Gilbert: I didn’t do anything!
Boss: Did you sell some Death Star insurance to the Empire?
Gilbert: Oh, that I did do. Why?
Boss: They just filed a claim!
Gilbert: What?
Boss: Seems a ragtag group of rebels blew it up.
Gilbert: Again?
Boss: Yes, again! Like, 3 parsecs ago!
Agent 1: I thought the sunset looked particularly bright the other night.
Agent 3: Man, you think that would have been on the news or something.
Agent 1: The emperor said it was fake news.
Agent 2: Wait…wasn’t the emperor on the Death Star?
Gilbert: Yeah, he was. He had been bragging about it for weeks. “I’m gonna build a new Death Star. It’ll be the best Death Star.”
Agent 1: Your impression sucks.
Gilbert: Not the point.
Boss: The point is you’re our worse agent!
Gilbert: How can you say that?
Boss: (reads file) You sold a policy to cover the Jawas’ transport vehicles.
Gilbert: Yes.
Boss: And you insured the Skywalker moisture farm.
Gilbert: Yes.
Boss: And Jabba the Hutt’s smuggler yacht. As well as an actual life insurance policy on Jabba the Hutt himself.
Gilbert: He saw the savings in bundling the policies…
Boss: And now this. How could you possibility sell them Death Star insurance??
Gilbert: I mean, sir, what are the odds of them blowing up a second Death Star? Like one in a million parsecs! The actuary tables seemed to cover it.
Boss: The thing is called a “Death Star” for Force’s sake. That didn’t strike you as high risk???
Gilbert: They said it was undefeatable.
Boss: They said that about the first one as well, didn’t they? WHEN YOU SOLD THEM THAT FIRST POLICY!!!
Agent 3: Yeah, you really Jar-Jar-Binks’ed that one, Gilbert.
Agent 1: Stop trying to make “Jar-Jar Binks-ed that” a thing, Blackhole.
Agent 3: The name is BlackStar.
Agent 1: Whatever.
Boss: This is a catastrophe! This could ruin us!
Agent 1: Hey, boss, if could have been worse. You gotta admit, if it wasn’t for the Death Star wiping everyone out, all those policies you sold to Alderaan would have set the company back plenty!
Boss: Be quiet, Bof.
(Gilbert tries to sneak off)
Boss: Get back here Gilbert!
Gilbert: I am not the insurance agent you’re looking for.
Boss: Knock it off with that Jedi crap. You’re no Jedi.
Gilbert: I keep hoping.
Boss: A second policy on a second Death Star? I cannot fathom this!
Gilbert: Well, I was reluctant to do it, really, boss, really, I was…then the big scary guy…
Agent 2: Darth Tyranus?
Gilbert: No, no.
Agent 1: Darth Maul?
Agent 3: I love shopping there!
Boss: Where?
Agent 3: The Darth Mall. It’s huge! It’s like 12 parsecs long!
Agent 1: You need to be quiet, Blackstar.
Gilbert: No, no. That new guy. All in black. Talks like Mufasa.
Boss: Darth Vader.
Gilbert: Yeah, that’s the guy. Him. He started doing this force choke-hold on me. I had to sell him the policy. But it didn’t end there. Then he started demanding all these discounts and a lower deductible. It was total Sith brutality. There should be marches! What was I supposed to do?
Boss: This is a disaster! If the head office finds out, they’ll shut us down in a nano-parsec!
Agent 1: Don’t we have the paragraph where it says we don’t have to pay in the event of war?
Boss: This is Star Wars! There’s always a war!
Agent 3: What about declaring it an act of The Force?
Agent 1: Right, the Force majeure clause!
Boss: Let me run it by legal. The creator knows the Force was with them the whole time.
(Agent 4 bursts in.)
Agent 4: Okay, people! Pop the champagne! I have sold the biggest policy this company has ever seen!
Boss: Your timing couldn’t be better! You may have just saved the company! What’s the policy for?
Agent 4: It was purchased by the First Order to cover a little something they like to call “the Star Killer Base!” And get this: It’s invincible!
(Boss tosses his papers. The agents just shake their heads. Gilbert holds up his hand again.)
Gilbert: This is not the policy you’re looking for…
Boss: Knock it off, Gilbert.
(Black out)
The end
Agent 1: Did you see that game last night?
Gilbert: I did indeed, Bof, I thought Tatooni had it wrapped up. I can’t believe they blew it in the 4th parsec!
Agent 3: What did you expect, with that Ewok they brought up from the minors? Of course they were going to choke! Me and Del ZumMight got to go to the stadium.
Gilbert: You were at the game? You womp rat!
(BOSS enters.)
BOSS: Gilbert!
Gilbert: Yes, Mr. LunarCycle?
Boss: I just got a call from some flunky over at the First Order!
Gilbert: I didn’t do anything!
Boss: Did you sell some Death Star insurance to the Empire?
Gilbert: Oh, that I did do. Why?
Boss: They just filed a claim!
Gilbert: What?
Boss: Seems a ragtag group of rebels blew it up.
Gilbert: Again?
Boss: Yes, again! Like, 3 parsecs ago!
Agent 1: I thought the sunset looked particularly bright the other night.
Agent 3: Man, you think that would have been on the news or something.
Agent 1: The emperor said it was fake news.
Agent 2: Wait…wasn’t the emperor on the Death Star?
Gilbert: Yeah, he was. He had been bragging about it for weeks. “I’m gonna build a new Death Star. It’ll be the best Death Star.”
Agent 1: Your impression sucks.
Gilbert: Not the point.
Boss: The point is you’re our worse agent!
Gilbert: How can you say that?
Boss: (reads file) You sold a policy to cover the Jawas’ transport vehicles.
Gilbert: Yes.
Boss: And you insured the Skywalker moisture farm.
Gilbert: Yes.
Boss: And Jabba the Hutt’s smuggler yacht. As well as an actual life insurance policy on Jabba the Hutt himself.
Gilbert: He saw the savings in bundling the policies…
Boss: And now this. How could you possibility sell them Death Star insurance??
Gilbert: I mean, sir, what are the odds of them blowing up a second Death Star? Like one in a million parsecs! The actuary tables seemed to cover it.
Boss: The thing is called a “Death Star” for Force’s sake. That didn’t strike you as high risk???
Gilbert: They said it was undefeatable.
Boss: They said that about the first one as well, didn’t they? WHEN YOU SOLD THEM THAT FIRST POLICY!!!
Agent 3: Yeah, you really Jar-Jar-Binks’ed that one, Gilbert.
Agent 1: Stop trying to make “Jar-Jar Binks-ed that” a thing, Blackhole.
Agent 3: The name is BlackStar.
Agent 1: Whatever.
Boss: This is a catastrophe! This could ruin us!
Agent 1: Hey, boss, if could have been worse. You gotta admit, if it wasn’t for the Death Star wiping everyone out, all those policies you sold to Alderaan would have set the company back plenty!
Boss: Be quiet, Bof.
(Gilbert tries to sneak off)
Boss: Get back here Gilbert!
Gilbert: I am not the insurance agent you’re looking for.
Boss: Knock it off with that Jedi crap. You’re no Jedi.
Gilbert: I keep hoping.
Boss: A second policy on a second Death Star? I cannot fathom this!
Gilbert: Well, I was reluctant to do it, really, boss, really, I was…then the big scary guy…
Agent 2: Darth Tyranus?
Gilbert: No, no.
Agent 1: Darth Maul?
Agent 3: I love shopping there!
Boss: Where?
Agent 3: The Darth Mall. It’s huge! It’s like 12 parsecs long!
Agent 1: You need to be quiet, Blackstar.
Gilbert: No, no. That new guy. All in black. Talks like Mufasa.
Boss: Darth Vader.
Gilbert: Yeah, that’s the guy. Him. He started doing this force choke-hold on me. I had to sell him the policy. But it didn’t end there. Then he started demanding all these discounts and a lower deductible. It was total Sith brutality. There should be marches! What was I supposed to do?
Boss: This is a disaster! If the head office finds out, they’ll shut us down in a nano-parsec!
Agent 1: Don’t we have the paragraph where it says we don’t have to pay in the event of war?
Boss: This is Star Wars! There’s always a war!
Agent 3: What about declaring it an act of The Force?
Agent 1: Right, the Force majeure clause!
Boss: Let me run it by legal. The creator knows the Force was with them the whole time.
(Agent 4 bursts in.)
Agent 4: Okay, people! Pop the champagne! I have sold the biggest policy this company has ever seen!
Boss: Your timing couldn’t be better! You may have just saved the company! What’s the policy for?
Agent 4: It was purchased by the First Order to cover a little something they like to call “the Star Killer Base!” And get this: It’s invincible!
(Boss tosses his papers. The agents just shake their heads. Gilbert holds up his hand again.)
Gilbert: This is not the policy you’re looking for…
Boss: Knock it off, Gilbert.
(Black out)
The end
