Is there anything that has a shorter shelf life than a topical sketch that isn't selected? Besides those Burger King coupons? Well, I pulled this bit from the back of the hard drive. This version is from 2014, but it's been kicking around a while, in one form or another. It was a goof on the supermarket loyalty cards, but every so often there'd be news about invasion of privacy and NSA outrages and Wikileaks, they I would try to update it and submit it to whomever I was dealing with at the time. Needless to say, it never got picked up. So, here we post...
Orwell Market
(supermarket checkout line)
CASHIER: That'll be $53.34, please. Do you have your ShopMart courtesy card with you?
CUSTOMER: Yes, I do. Here you go.
CASHIER: Let me just scan that.
(beeps. Cashier checks register.)
CASHIER: Your final total is $47.30. Your ShopMart card has given you six dollars and 4 cents in savings.
CUSTOMER: That's great.
CASHIER: Oh, and I see you're only 25 dollars away from getting your certificate for a free turkey or ham.
CUSTOMER: Very good. Thank you.
CASHIER: And the register says the digital photos your send for printing at the photo center are ready.
CUSTOMER: Oh, really? I'll have to pick that up.
CASHIER: Make sure you have them scan your ShopMart card when you pay. The register says some of the photos were over-exposed and quite a number of them are shots of your thumb.
CUSTOMER: Darn it, you know, it's a new camera and I'm still...wait a second, the register says that?
CASHIER: Yes. Oh-oh. You tried to use an expired coupon last seek. Shame, shame.
CUSTOMER: That was an accident. The date had ripped, hey, how does the cash register even know that?
CASHIER: We try to keep tabs on all our customers. Anticipate their needs and concerns to better serve them. That’s how the register printed out this coupon for toothpaste.
CUSTOMER: I need toothpaste.
CASHIER: Yes, we know. Oh, I see here you have some books that are overdue at the library.
CUSTOMER: Now, just a minute. That's none of your concern. And I returned those books.
CASHIER: That's not what it says here.
CUSTOMER: I don’t care what your cash register says---
CASHIER: And, apparently, your son is flunking geometry.
CUSTOMER: What??? That's enough. Just give me back my card. I don't need this kind of intrusion into my privacy. I just wanted to get some milk and eggs! For an omelet!
CASHIER: Should you really be eating eggs with these cholesterol levels?
CUSTOMER: How do you even have access to that?
CASHIER: Thanks to a recent agreement with the NSA. We wash their back, they wash ours. They can’t figure out what to do with half the stuff they collect, so we take it off their hands.
CUSTOMER: Ack!
(Customer flees)
CASHIER: Thank you for shopping of ShorMart! Next.
(Man in trench coat, dark glasses and fedora steps up)
CASHIER: Oh, this is going to be fun.
the end
CASHIER: That'll be $53.34, please. Do you have your ShopMart courtesy card with you?
CUSTOMER: Yes, I do. Here you go.
CASHIER: Let me just scan that.
(beeps. Cashier checks register.)
CASHIER: Your final total is $47.30. Your ShopMart card has given you six dollars and 4 cents in savings.
CUSTOMER: That's great.
CASHIER: Oh, and I see you're only 25 dollars away from getting your certificate for a free turkey or ham.
CUSTOMER: Very good. Thank you.
CASHIER: And the register says the digital photos your send for printing at the photo center are ready.
CUSTOMER: Oh, really? I'll have to pick that up.
CASHIER: Make sure you have them scan your ShopMart card when you pay. The register says some of the photos were over-exposed and quite a number of them are shots of your thumb.
CUSTOMER: Darn it, you know, it's a new camera and I'm still...wait a second, the register says that?
CASHIER: Yes. Oh-oh. You tried to use an expired coupon last seek. Shame, shame.
CUSTOMER: That was an accident. The date had ripped, hey, how does the cash register even know that?
CASHIER: We try to keep tabs on all our customers. Anticipate their needs and concerns to better serve them. That’s how the register printed out this coupon for toothpaste.
CUSTOMER: I need toothpaste.
CASHIER: Yes, we know. Oh, I see here you have some books that are overdue at the library.
CUSTOMER: Now, just a minute. That's none of your concern. And I returned those books.
CASHIER: That's not what it says here.
CUSTOMER: I don’t care what your cash register says---
CASHIER: And, apparently, your son is flunking geometry.
CUSTOMER: What??? That's enough. Just give me back my card. I don't need this kind of intrusion into my privacy. I just wanted to get some milk and eggs! For an omelet!
CASHIER: Should you really be eating eggs with these cholesterol levels?
CUSTOMER: How do you even have access to that?
CASHIER: Thanks to a recent agreement with the NSA. We wash their back, they wash ours. They can’t figure out what to do with half the stuff they collect, so we take it off their hands.
CUSTOMER: Ack!
(Customer flees)
CASHIER: Thank you for shopping of ShorMart! Next.
(Man in trench coat, dark glasses and fedora steps up)
CASHIER: Oh, this is going to be fun.
the end
