Is there anything that has a shorter shelf life than a topical sketch that isn't selected? Besides 1-ply toilet paper? It's rough. You pull together a decent take on today's pop culture news only to learn they didn't pick your sketch to be in this week's show. Then what? Submit it around to the hundreds of comedy troupes that are looking for sketches from strangers? Save them for that reboot of "Fridays"? Or, do you just start posting on your own blog because you never know (actually you do, but you do it anyway)? Remember when Russia was trying to influence us via social media and the NRA? I decided to ramp it up to the next, logical level:
NyetFlix
Boy and Girl are cuddled on couch.
BOY: So, want to go out?
GIRL: I’m good. See if there’s a good movie on the streaming channel.
BOY: (running remote): Recommended for you…“The Russians are Coming the Russians are Coming.”
GIRL: That’s a pretty old movie.
BOY: Popular viewing…“The Hunt for Red October.” “Reds.” “Nicholas and Alexandra.”?
GIRL: Is their algorithm broken?
BOY: “Moscow Nights”? “From Russia With Love”? What is this?
(AGENT steps out)
AGENT: I see you have just learned about your new streaming service, Nyet-Flix
BOY: What?
AGENT: Nyet-flix. We are the main movie streaming system in Russia. Now we are here. You never heard of "Nyet-flix and Swill?"
BOY: Never once.
AGENT: Is very popular back in Russia. Swill is very popular there.
GIRL: We’ll pass. I’m on a swill-free diet right now.
AGENT: We have been watching you…closely, and we are now recommending movies just for you. Here’s a brochure.
(Agent hands them a brochure.)
GIRL: “Moscow on the Hudson”? “Red Dawn”? “Red Heat”? “Red Sonja?”
BOY: These are Russian films?
AGENT: Da. I mean, yes. They are now. We make Russia able to be seen in better light thanks to video editing software and the flabby leadership of the west.
GIRL: That’s not right.
AGENT: Also, we have all the James Bond films. Only, now, James Bond is the villain.
BOY: I’m not liking this.
AGENT: Also, get TV shows like “The Americans” or “Perfect Strangers” or “American Idol.”
GIRL: American Idol?
AGENT: Yes, but the “r” in “American” is now backwards.
(Flipping through the guide.)
BOY: You have the “Man from U.N.C.L.E” but not the “Woman from U.N.C.L.E.”
AGENT: Was not a good show.
BOY: How is this possible?
AGENT: You would be surprised at what can happen when a couple of world leaders get together for a private chat. They covered a lot of ground and made a lot of arrangements. We have many new entertainment changes for your country. Because, apparently that’s how we best get through to Americans. TV. Movies. Facebook ads. Theme parks.
GIRL: Theme parks?
AGENT: Yes. We will be updating DisneyWorld’s “Hall of Presidents” to just Putin.
GIRL: We didn’t request any this.
AGENT: People voted for it. It was pretty clear cut. We could hardly make it any more obvious.
BOY: All the comedy concerts are Yakov Smirnoff? Man.
GIRL: Jim, Focus up. This is not the Red wave we were expecting.
AGENT: We’ve been studying your likes. You people want walls? Russia had some great walls! And curtains, too! Russia is fun. Russia is entertaining. We’re like all your favorite professional wrestling villains rolled into one!
GIRL: You need to go.
AGENT: Our hotels get 5 Czar ratings! And no bugs. Unless you count the listening kind.
BOY: “Communists in Cars Getting Coffee?” “Pee-Pee’s Big Adventure”?
AGENT: Is number one streaming movie in Kremlin. And we mean streaming.
GIRL: Call 911!
AGENT: I would do that.
GIRL: You would?
AGENT: Oh, no. I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t do that, I meant to say. Is tricky, your English language, no?
BOY: (on phone) Yes, 911? I have a Russian agent here trying to influence our viewing habits. Yes? What? Later? Really? That’s ridiculous! (hangs up)
GIRL: What?
BOY: They can’t come. They’re too busy chasing some black kids off some guy’s front lawn.
AGENT: Well, that’s that then. We will be signing you up for 5 year plan.
GIRL: Five years?
AGENT: That’s the only kind of plans we do. Is old Soviet joke. Google it.
GIRL: Get out! Leave! We don’t want your propaganda!
AGENT: We have “Game of Thrones.”
BOY: Well, maybe the basic package.
AGENT: That’s all it takes! Will you want the Russian Bride add-on?
BOY: Ok, sure.
GIRL: I do love those wedding shows.
AGENT: Melania! We have a sale, come out!
(MELANIA, wearing bridal gown, enters.)
AGENT: See, nice people, no?
MELANIA: I don’t care, do you?
BOY: Ok, that hits all the main points!
GIRL: Sketch is over!
AGENT: Dasvidaniya!
MELANIA: I was told there would be fashion items.
(Black out.)
The end
BOY: So, want to go out?
GIRL: I’m good. See if there’s a good movie on the streaming channel.
BOY: (running remote): Recommended for you…“The Russians are Coming the Russians are Coming.”
GIRL: That’s a pretty old movie.
BOY: Popular viewing…“The Hunt for Red October.” “Reds.” “Nicholas and Alexandra.”?
GIRL: Is their algorithm broken?
BOY: “Moscow Nights”? “From Russia With Love”? What is this?
(AGENT steps out)
AGENT: I see you have just learned about your new streaming service, Nyet-Flix
BOY: What?
AGENT: Nyet-flix. We are the main movie streaming system in Russia. Now we are here. You never heard of "Nyet-flix and Swill?"
BOY: Never once.
AGENT: Is very popular back in Russia. Swill is very popular there.
GIRL: We’ll pass. I’m on a swill-free diet right now.
AGENT: We have been watching you…closely, and we are now recommending movies just for you. Here’s a brochure.
(Agent hands them a brochure.)
GIRL: “Moscow on the Hudson”? “Red Dawn”? “Red Heat”? “Red Sonja?”
BOY: These are Russian films?
AGENT: Da. I mean, yes. They are now. We make Russia able to be seen in better light thanks to video editing software and the flabby leadership of the west.
GIRL: That’s not right.
AGENT: Also, we have all the James Bond films. Only, now, James Bond is the villain.
BOY: I’m not liking this.
AGENT: Also, get TV shows like “The Americans” or “Perfect Strangers” or “American Idol.”
GIRL: American Idol?
AGENT: Yes, but the “r” in “American” is now backwards.
(Flipping through the guide.)
BOY: You have the “Man from U.N.C.L.E” but not the “Woman from U.N.C.L.E.”
AGENT: Was not a good show.
BOY: How is this possible?
AGENT: You would be surprised at what can happen when a couple of world leaders get together for a private chat. They covered a lot of ground and made a lot of arrangements. We have many new entertainment changes for your country. Because, apparently that’s how we best get through to Americans. TV. Movies. Facebook ads. Theme parks.
GIRL: Theme parks?
AGENT: Yes. We will be updating DisneyWorld’s “Hall of Presidents” to just Putin.
GIRL: We didn’t request any this.
AGENT: People voted for it. It was pretty clear cut. We could hardly make it any more obvious.
BOY: All the comedy concerts are Yakov Smirnoff? Man.
GIRL: Jim, Focus up. This is not the Red wave we were expecting.
AGENT: We’ve been studying your likes. You people want walls? Russia had some great walls! And curtains, too! Russia is fun. Russia is entertaining. We’re like all your favorite professional wrestling villains rolled into one!
GIRL: You need to go.
AGENT: Our hotels get 5 Czar ratings! And no bugs. Unless you count the listening kind.
BOY: “Communists in Cars Getting Coffee?” “Pee-Pee’s Big Adventure”?
AGENT: Is number one streaming movie in Kremlin. And we mean streaming.
GIRL: Call 911!
AGENT: I would do that.
GIRL: You would?
AGENT: Oh, no. I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t do that, I meant to say. Is tricky, your English language, no?
BOY: (on phone) Yes, 911? I have a Russian agent here trying to influence our viewing habits. Yes? What? Later? Really? That’s ridiculous! (hangs up)
GIRL: What?
BOY: They can’t come. They’re too busy chasing some black kids off some guy’s front lawn.
AGENT: Well, that’s that then. We will be signing you up for 5 year plan.
GIRL: Five years?
AGENT: That’s the only kind of plans we do. Is old Soviet joke. Google it.
GIRL: Get out! Leave! We don’t want your propaganda!
AGENT: We have “Game of Thrones.”
BOY: Well, maybe the basic package.
AGENT: That’s all it takes! Will you want the Russian Bride add-on?
BOY: Ok, sure.
GIRL: I do love those wedding shows.
AGENT: Melania! We have a sale, come out!
(MELANIA, wearing bridal gown, enters.)
AGENT: See, nice people, no?
MELANIA: I don’t care, do you?
BOY: Ok, that hits all the main points!
GIRL: Sketch is over!
AGENT: Dasvidaniya!
MELANIA: I was told there would be fashion items.
(Black out.)
The end
