Is there anything that has a shorter shelf life than a topical sketch that isn't selected? Besides certain Trump judicial appointments? It's rough. You pull together a decent take on today's pop culture news only to learn they didn't pick your sketch to be in this week's show. Then what? Submit it around to the hundreds of comedy troupes that are looking for sketches from strangers? Rewrite them as multi-part novels for Kindle? Or, do you just start posting on your own blog because you never know (actually you do, but you do it anyway)? So, the book "Fear: Trump in the White House" comes out and everyone is freaking. Only I have a sketch to get out for the big return of TMI: Hollywood. Since they exist at the intersection of pop culture & current events, the trick was to find a slightly different take on it. So, I went Hollywood. It was passed over, but then, a week later, the group actually mentioned the book as a topic they wanted to tackle, so I did a slight revision and re-submitted it. And it was passed on again! So, here's a double dip of...
Fear: The Movie (draft 2)
(HOST and MITCH are seated to one side of the stage, talk show style.)
HOST: Welcome to Hollywood Beat, the TV show about movies. We’ve seen movies “torn from the headlines” all the time but in what has to be one of the quickest turn arounds ever, producer Mitch Masters has optioned Bob Woodward’s book “Fear” and has a movie coming out this year.
MITCH: That’s right. This October.
HOST: How is that possible?
MITCH: We had a dedicated cast and crew. And we knew we had to get it out by this Halloween, or it would be pointless.
HOST: Halloween? You mean Election Day, no?
MITCH: No, Halloween. I mean, the title is perfect: “FEAR”! That’s about as Halloween-y as you can get, right? Since Hollywood loves pre-sold intellectual property, a Halloween movie based on a book is a slam dunk. In Hollywood.
HOST: I’m not sure I understand, the book isn’t about Halloween. It’s about the Trump administration.
MITCH: Yeah, that did come up. I admit, I should have read the rest of the title. I just kind of skimmed it. But once the deed was done, and the option was signed, we were committed. They had the release date locked down and the posters were already made. But frankly, the script practically wrote itself.
HOST: How? I’m not getting this at all.
MITCH: Not, to worry. We brought a trailer clip, it really lays it all out.
(Lights up on other side of stage.)
ANNOUNCER (O.S.): Just when you thought it was safe to enter the political waters…
(SARA and JOHN enter. There’s a “desk” with a phone.)
JOHN: We’re never going to get to it in time, Sara!
SARA: Shut up, John! We have to get those papers before he signs them!
(Meow HEARD. They jump.)
JOHN: When the hell did we get a cat???
(Phone RINGS. Sara goes to get it. John stops her.)
JOHN: What are you doing? You can’t answer that!
SARA: I can’t let it ring! It’s 3am! It could be important!
(Sara picks up phone.)
POTUS (O.S.): It’s me, the Donald. What are you wearing?
(She hangs up.)
JOHN: It was the imbecile, wasn’t it? He knows we’re alone! Oh, by the way, that imbecile remark is just between us.
SARA: I’ve heard worse. I’ve said worse. But you didn’t hear it from me.
(Just then, a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE in black tip toes across the stage and exits.)
JOHN: What was that?
SARA: What was what?
JOHN: You didn’t see someone just pass by?
SARA: Get a grip, John. Focus! Were here to service our country by making sure the elected president of the United States can’t do his job. It’s what any true patriot would do, instead of something.
JOHN: Well, when you put it like that…
(Phone Rings. Sara answers it.)
POTUS (O.S.): Do you want to play a game?
JOHN: Don’t say yes! He’ll want to play Tic-Tac-Toe and then he’ll get super angry when you keep beating him! That’s what happened to Anthony Scaramucci!
(Sara hangs up.)
(Mysterious Figure crosses back. )
JOHN: What the--?
SARA: Will you be quiet!
JOHN: Tell me you didn’t see that!
SARA: Just find the papers, will you?
(She picks up a book from the desk.)
JOHN: What is that? His appointment book? The nuclear codes?
SARA: It’s a coloring book. He colored outside the lines again.
JOHN: Is that what he thinks the American flag looks like? Is he color-blind as well?
SARA: No, no, he sees color. Everywhere.
(Phone rings. Sara gets it.)
POTUS (O.S.): Hi, Colonel. I’d like to order seven buckets. Extra crispy.
(She hangs up.)
(Mysterious Figure crosses again.)
JOHN: That’s it! I’m done!
SARA: Grow a spine, man! This has to be done. It’s ridiculous that we’re reduced to this--secretly obstructing the president’s mandate--but this is just between us, in the background. It’s not like we’re writing anonymous editorials to the New York Times, I mean, the failing New York Times, for everyone to see!
JOHN: (shifty) No, we would never do that.
SARA: Just find those tariff papers and let’s get out of here!
(John picks up some papers.)
SARA: What’s that? Is that them?
JOHN: No, receipts. Stormy Daniels; hush money, Karen McDougal; hush money, Justice Anthony Kennedy; retirement bonus, Brett Kavanaugh; credit card debt relief, Penthouse, subscription renewal.
SARA: Are the papers to start a tariff war there or not? Check under his Diet Coke, sometimes he uses things as a coaster. That’s where we found Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s pardon.
(Phone rings. Sara answers.)
POTUS (O.S.): Hello? Twitter support? Why can’t anyone read my tweets without making nasty comments? You need to fix that!
(She hangs up.)
JOHN: Here! I got them. Giving him these papers was bad enough, but did you know I had to explain to him for 20 minutes that there was no button to launch a trade war.
SARA: Know it? I had to lie about it for like twenty minutes during the press conference.
(Phone rings. Sara answers.)
PRIEBUS (O.S.): Sara, it’s Reince Priebus. We’ve traced those calls. They’re coming from inside the White House. Get out of there!
SARA: I thought he was at Mar-a-lago!
PRIEBUS (O.S.): He found out Melania was there! He came back! You have to get out!
(Mysterious Figure walks out.)
JOHN: It’s him! I told you I saw someone!
SARA: Holy Press Release! Who are you?
(Mysterious Figure removes mask.)
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE: I’m Bob Woodward. Can I quote you?
SARA & JOHN: Sure.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE: Great.
JOHN: But I’ll totally deny it in public.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE: Understood.
(Black out!)
ANNOUNCER (O.S.): “Fear; Trump in the White House,” coming this Halloween to a political theater near you.
POTUS (O.S.): It’s a bad book! A sham!
(Lights on talk show.)
HOST: Huh.
MITCH: So, what do you think?
HOST: That was really scary. Do you think they’ll be a sequel?
MITCH: That depends on how it goes in 2020.
(Black out. Scream. Horror sting.)
The end
HOST: Welcome to Hollywood Beat, the TV show about movies. We’ve seen movies “torn from the headlines” all the time but in what has to be one of the quickest turn arounds ever, producer Mitch Masters has optioned Bob Woodward’s book “Fear” and has a movie coming out this year.
MITCH: That’s right. This October.
HOST: How is that possible?
MITCH: We had a dedicated cast and crew. And we knew we had to get it out by this Halloween, or it would be pointless.
HOST: Halloween? You mean Election Day, no?
MITCH: No, Halloween. I mean, the title is perfect: “FEAR”! That’s about as Halloween-y as you can get, right? Since Hollywood loves pre-sold intellectual property, a Halloween movie based on a book is a slam dunk. In Hollywood.
HOST: I’m not sure I understand, the book isn’t about Halloween. It’s about the Trump administration.
MITCH: Yeah, that did come up. I admit, I should have read the rest of the title. I just kind of skimmed it. But once the deed was done, and the option was signed, we were committed. They had the release date locked down and the posters were already made. But frankly, the script practically wrote itself.
HOST: How? I’m not getting this at all.
MITCH: Not, to worry. We brought a trailer clip, it really lays it all out.
(Lights up on other side of stage.)
ANNOUNCER (O.S.): Just when you thought it was safe to enter the political waters…
(SARA and JOHN enter. There’s a “desk” with a phone.)
JOHN: We’re never going to get to it in time, Sara!
SARA: Shut up, John! We have to get those papers before he signs them!
(Meow HEARD. They jump.)
JOHN: When the hell did we get a cat???
(Phone RINGS. Sara goes to get it. John stops her.)
JOHN: What are you doing? You can’t answer that!
SARA: I can’t let it ring! It’s 3am! It could be important!
(Sara picks up phone.)
POTUS (O.S.): It’s me, the Donald. What are you wearing?
(She hangs up.)
JOHN: It was the imbecile, wasn’t it? He knows we’re alone! Oh, by the way, that imbecile remark is just between us.
SARA: I’ve heard worse. I’ve said worse. But you didn’t hear it from me.
(Just then, a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE in black tip toes across the stage and exits.)
JOHN: What was that?
SARA: What was what?
JOHN: You didn’t see someone just pass by?
SARA: Get a grip, John. Focus! Were here to service our country by making sure the elected president of the United States can’t do his job. It’s what any true patriot would do, instead of something.
JOHN: Well, when you put it like that…
(Phone Rings. Sara answers it.)
POTUS (O.S.): Do you want to play a game?
JOHN: Don’t say yes! He’ll want to play Tic-Tac-Toe and then he’ll get super angry when you keep beating him! That’s what happened to Anthony Scaramucci!
(Sara hangs up.)
(Mysterious Figure crosses back. )
JOHN: What the--?
SARA: Will you be quiet!
JOHN: Tell me you didn’t see that!
SARA: Just find the papers, will you?
(She picks up a book from the desk.)
JOHN: What is that? His appointment book? The nuclear codes?
SARA: It’s a coloring book. He colored outside the lines again.
JOHN: Is that what he thinks the American flag looks like? Is he color-blind as well?
SARA: No, no, he sees color. Everywhere.
(Phone rings. Sara gets it.)
POTUS (O.S.): Hi, Colonel. I’d like to order seven buckets. Extra crispy.
(She hangs up.)
(Mysterious Figure crosses again.)
JOHN: That’s it! I’m done!
SARA: Grow a spine, man! This has to be done. It’s ridiculous that we’re reduced to this--secretly obstructing the president’s mandate--but this is just between us, in the background. It’s not like we’re writing anonymous editorials to the New York Times, I mean, the failing New York Times, for everyone to see!
JOHN: (shifty) No, we would never do that.
SARA: Just find those tariff papers and let’s get out of here!
(John picks up some papers.)
SARA: What’s that? Is that them?
JOHN: No, receipts. Stormy Daniels; hush money, Karen McDougal; hush money, Justice Anthony Kennedy; retirement bonus, Brett Kavanaugh; credit card debt relief, Penthouse, subscription renewal.
SARA: Are the papers to start a tariff war there or not? Check under his Diet Coke, sometimes he uses things as a coaster. That’s where we found Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s pardon.
(Phone rings. Sara answers.)
POTUS (O.S.): Hello? Twitter support? Why can’t anyone read my tweets without making nasty comments? You need to fix that!
(She hangs up.)
JOHN: Here! I got them. Giving him these papers was bad enough, but did you know I had to explain to him for 20 minutes that there was no button to launch a trade war.
SARA: Know it? I had to lie about it for like twenty minutes during the press conference.
(Phone rings. Sara answers.)
PRIEBUS (O.S.): Sara, it’s Reince Priebus. We’ve traced those calls. They’re coming from inside the White House. Get out of there!
SARA: I thought he was at Mar-a-lago!
PRIEBUS (O.S.): He found out Melania was there! He came back! You have to get out!
(Mysterious Figure walks out.)
JOHN: It’s him! I told you I saw someone!
SARA: Holy Press Release! Who are you?
(Mysterious Figure removes mask.)
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE: I’m Bob Woodward. Can I quote you?
SARA & JOHN: Sure.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE: Great.
JOHN: But I’ll totally deny it in public.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE: Understood.
(Black out!)
ANNOUNCER (O.S.): “Fear; Trump in the White House,” coming this Halloween to a political theater near you.
POTUS (O.S.): It’s a bad book! A sham!
(Lights on talk show.)
HOST: Huh.
MITCH: So, what do you think?
HOST: That was really scary. Do you think they’ll be a sequel?
MITCH: That depends on how it goes in 2020.
(Black out. Scream. Horror sting.)
The end
