Is there anything that has a shorter shelf life than a topical sketch that isn't selected? I mean besides that jug of milk in the front of the row at the store. It's rough. You pull together a decent take on today's headlines only to learn they didn't pick your sketch to be in this week's show. Then what? Submit it around to the hundreds of comedy troupes that are looking for sketches from strangers? Or just fax them to SNL. That's right, fax. They wouldn't expect that. Or, you just start posting on your own blog because you never know (actually you do, but you do it anyway). So, here's the latest edition of Skit Happens. Oscar season 2018. The comedy troupe is doing an Oscare-themed show. "The Shape of Water" is nominated for everything. The first "monster" movie to be in the running in decades. I'm sure that went over well over at the Dark Universe...
Mad Monster Oscar Party
2/20/18
(The monsters, WOLFMAN, DRACULA, FRANKENSTEIN, The BRIDE of Frankenstein and MUMMY are all watching TV)
WOLFMAN: Really? Darkest Hour for best PRODUCTION DESIGN? C'mon!
MUMMY: There goes my Oscar pool picks.
DRACULA: Have any of you heard of any of these movies?
FRANKENSTEIN: Movies, bad!
WOLFMAN: Agreed, Frankenstein. There are some real howlers here.
BRIDE: Now, now, Wolfman, the Oscars are about more than just the movies.
DRACULA: Yes, they’re also about actors we’ve never heard of. Where do they sit Jack Nicholson these days? He used to sit front and center?
MUMMY: (waving bottle) Anyone want some wine?
DRACULA: I don’t drink-
EVERYONE: -Wine!
WOLFMAN: Yeah, yeah, that never gets old, Drac.
BRIDE: How was Wonder Woman not nominated even?
WOLFMAN: I don’t know, Bride of Frankenstein.
BRIDE: Eve. My name is Eve. I exist as something other than the Bride of Cadaver man here.
FRANKENSTEIN: Oy.
BRIDE: I guess I’m starting to figure out why Wonder Woman wasn’t nominated.
MUMMY: Or the Mummy.
DRUCULA: No one was going to nominate “The Mummy,” mummy.
FRANKENSTEIN: Mummy bad! Queso good.
BRIDE: No more queseo for you. You heard what the evil doctor said about your cholesterol.
WOLFMAN: So, we’re not going to mention it?
BRIDE: Mention what?
DRACULA: Yeah.
BIRDE: What?
MUMMY: The Shape of Water.
BIRDE: What about it?
Just then GILLMAN, the Creature from the Black Lagoon, enters with Blonde STARLET.
DRACULA: Oh, hi, Gillman.
GILLMAN: Hey, guys!
MUMMY: Oh, you brought a plus one.
GILLMAN: What can I say?
STARLET: Oh, hi everybody!
GILLMAN: This is--
STARLET: Amber.
GILLMAN: Amber, everyone.
(She waves.)
STARLET: Is this a commercial for a cable TV provider?
WOLFMAN: Oh, boy. Someone shoot me with a silver bullet now.
BRIDE: Welcome to our Oscar party, dear.
WOLFMAN: I thought we were all coming stag.
GILLMAN: Since when? Frankenstein always brings his bride.
FRANKENSTEIN: Aurgh.
BRIDE: Eve.
DRACULA: It was never a rule. It just always worked out that way.
MUMMY: This isn’t right. I could have brought someone.
WOLFMAN: Tom Cruise wasn’t going to come with you. It was just a paycheck.
GILLMAN: Jealous much?
DRACULA: Jealous?
GILLMAN: Oh, come on, you all can’t stand the fact that I’m in the first successful monster movie in ages. The Shape of Water is going to clean up this year.
FRANKENSTEIN: Yeah, yeah.
GILLMAN: And in this movie, I get some.
MUMMY: We all get some.
GILLMAN: I meant sex.
MUMMY: Oh. No, none of us get that.
DRACULA: Oh, please. You ripped off the plot of Flowers for Algernon and we’re all supposed to be in awe?
GILLMAN: Oh, yeah, so how's that whole "Dark Universe" working out?
DRACULA: So that’s how it is. Wolfman, check my back.
WOLFMAN: What for?
DRACULA: For the wooden stake Gillman just jammed in my back.
WOLFMAN: You know what it’s like working in the studio system, Gil; They can’t get out of their own way when it comes to an original idea.
GILLMAN: Art house, baby, it’s the way to go. Man, the people was bowing at my webbed feet.
WOLFMAN: Oh, please, our craft services cost more than your whole movie.
GILLMAN: Says the guy with no award nominations.
WOLFMAN: The checks cleared, baby! The checks cleared.
GILLMAN: Face facts; I’m hot and you’re not
DRACULA: Oh, please. You could be dropped in a sulfur pit and you wouldn’t be hot.
FRANKENSTEIN: Sulfur pits bad!
WOLFMAN: And we’re supposed to be impressed because you show up with this…actress.
GILLMAN: Once you go wet, you’ll never forget.
MUMMY: Not a thing.
BRIDE: Stop it now. We should be congratulating Gillman on his success. Success for one is success for all.
GILLMAN: Is that true, Mummy?
MUMMY: Shut up, Mr. Limpet.
(SALLY HAWKINS enters with a gun and a mop.)
FRANKENSTEIN: Gun! Gun bad!
WOLFMAN: Sally Hawkins! The Creature's girlfriend in "The Shape of Water"! What are you doing here?
DRACULA: Why are you saying it like that?
WOLFMAN: Oh, come on, this wasn’t Star Wars. It’s not like anyone actually saw the movie, so we have to add some exposition to make this thing work.
(Sally puts aside the props and starts signing with her hands.)
BRIDE: (translating) What? Gillman said he loved you and now he’s here with another woman?
MUMMY: You know sign language?
BRIDE: You try living with this pile of body parts for a couple of years.
FRANKENSTEIN: Signing good!
(Sally signs some more.)
BRIDE: (translating) After all the hard work I did? I slaved for you, I mopped floors for you. I got you free and this is how you repay me? By finding you with this peroxide bimbo!
STARLET: Peroxide!
GILLMAN: Sally, baby, you’re terrific. You’re my world. Me being with her, it doesn’t mean a thing.
STARLET: It’s true. It’s just about the sex. And networking.
GILLMAN: You’re right, honey. I got all caught up with the glamour and glitz of Hollywood. This isn’t me! I wasn’t spawned upstream yesterday; I should have known better. I’m so sorry, Sally! Can you forgive me?
(Sally runs over and hugs him.)
STARLET: But what about me?
(A roar is heard.)
STARLET: What was that?
WOLFMAN: Oh, King Kong is here. I’ll introduce you. He has a thing for blondes.
STARLET: Cool.
MUMMY: (on phone) Ok, crisis averted. I’m ordering some pizza, what do you want?
DRACULA: No garlic this time!
WOLFMAN: Meatballs.
GILLMAN: Half pineapple, half seaweed.
MUMMY: (phone) Yeah, send over the usual. And if we don't get it by sunrise, it's free.
WOLFMAN: Really? Darkest Hour for best PRODUCTION DESIGN? C'mon!
MUMMY: There goes my Oscar pool picks.
DRACULA: Have any of you heard of any of these movies?
FRANKENSTEIN: Movies, bad!
WOLFMAN: Agreed, Frankenstein. There are some real howlers here.
BRIDE: Now, now, Wolfman, the Oscars are about more than just the movies.
DRACULA: Yes, they’re also about actors we’ve never heard of. Where do they sit Jack Nicholson these days? He used to sit front and center?
MUMMY: (waving bottle) Anyone want some wine?
DRACULA: I don’t drink-
EVERYONE: -Wine!
WOLFMAN: Yeah, yeah, that never gets old, Drac.
BRIDE: How was Wonder Woman not nominated even?
WOLFMAN: I don’t know, Bride of Frankenstein.
BRIDE: Eve. My name is Eve. I exist as something other than the Bride of Cadaver man here.
FRANKENSTEIN: Oy.
BRIDE: I guess I’m starting to figure out why Wonder Woman wasn’t nominated.
MUMMY: Or the Mummy.
DRUCULA: No one was going to nominate “The Mummy,” mummy.
FRANKENSTEIN: Mummy bad! Queso good.
BRIDE: No more queseo for you. You heard what the evil doctor said about your cholesterol.
WOLFMAN: So, we’re not going to mention it?
BRIDE: Mention what?
DRACULA: Yeah.
BIRDE: What?
MUMMY: The Shape of Water.
BIRDE: What about it?
Just then GILLMAN, the Creature from the Black Lagoon, enters with Blonde STARLET.
DRACULA: Oh, hi, Gillman.
GILLMAN: Hey, guys!
MUMMY: Oh, you brought a plus one.
GILLMAN: What can I say?
STARLET: Oh, hi everybody!
GILLMAN: This is--
STARLET: Amber.
GILLMAN: Amber, everyone.
(She waves.)
STARLET: Is this a commercial for a cable TV provider?
WOLFMAN: Oh, boy. Someone shoot me with a silver bullet now.
BRIDE: Welcome to our Oscar party, dear.
WOLFMAN: I thought we were all coming stag.
GILLMAN: Since when? Frankenstein always brings his bride.
FRANKENSTEIN: Aurgh.
BRIDE: Eve.
DRACULA: It was never a rule. It just always worked out that way.
MUMMY: This isn’t right. I could have brought someone.
WOLFMAN: Tom Cruise wasn’t going to come with you. It was just a paycheck.
GILLMAN: Jealous much?
DRACULA: Jealous?
GILLMAN: Oh, come on, you all can’t stand the fact that I’m in the first successful monster movie in ages. The Shape of Water is going to clean up this year.
FRANKENSTEIN: Yeah, yeah.
GILLMAN: And in this movie, I get some.
MUMMY: We all get some.
GILLMAN: I meant sex.
MUMMY: Oh. No, none of us get that.
DRACULA: Oh, please. You ripped off the plot of Flowers for Algernon and we’re all supposed to be in awe?
GILLMAN: Oh, yeah, so how's that whole "Dark Universe" working out?
DRACULA: So that’s how it is. Wolfman, check my back.
WOLFMAN: What for?
DRACULA: For the wooden stake Gillman just jammed in my back.
WOLFMAN: You know what it’s like working in the studio system, Gil; They can’t get out of their own way when it comes to an original idea.
GILLMAN: Art house, baby, it’s the way to go. Man, the people was bowing at my webbed feet.
WOLFMAN: Oh, please, our craft services cost more than your whole movie.
GILLMAN: Says the guy with no award nominations.
WOLFMAN: The checks cleared, baby! The checks cleared.
GILLMAN: Face facts; I’m hot and you’re not
DRACULA: Oh, please. You could be dropped in a sulfur pit and you wouldn’t be hot.
FRANKENSTEIN: Sulfur pits bad!
WOLFMAN: And we’re supposed to be impressed because you show up with this…actress.
GILLMAN: Once you go wet, you’ll never forget.
MUMMY: Not a thing.
BRIDE: Stop it now. We should be congratulating Gillman on his success. Success for one is success for all.
GILLMAN: Is that true, Mummy?
MUMMY: Shut up, Mr. Limpet.
(SALLY HAWKINS enters with a gun and a mop.)
FRANKENSTEIN: Gun! Gun bad!
WOLFMAN: Sally Hawkins! The Creature's girlfriend in "The Shape of Water"! What are you doing here?
DRACULA: Why are you saying it like that?
WOLFMAN: Oh, come on, this wasn’t Star Wars. It’s not like anyone actually saw the movie, so we have to add some exposition to make this thing work.
(Sally puts aside the props and starts signing with her hands.)
BRIDE: (translating) What? Gillman said he loved you and now he’s here with another woman?
MUMMY: You know sign language?
BRIDE: You try living with this pile of body parts for a couple of years.
FRANKENSTEIN: Signing good!
(Sally signs some more.)
BRIDE: (translating) After all the hard work I did? I slaved for you, I mopped floors for you. I got you free and this is how you repay me? By finding you with this peroxide bimbo!
STARLET: Peroxide!
GILLMAN: Sally, baby, you’re terrific. You’re my world. Me being with her, it doesn’t mean a thing.
STARLET: It’s true. It’s just about the sex. And networking.
GILLMAN: You’re right, honey. I got all caught up with the glamour and glitz of Hollywood. This isn’t me! I wasn’t spawned upstream yesterday; I should have known better. I’m so sorry, Sally! Can you forgive me?
(Sally runs over and hugs him.)
STARLET: But what about me?
(A roar is heard.)
STARLET: What was that?
WOLFMAN: Oh, King Kong is here. I’ll introduce you. He has a thing for blondes.
STARLET: Cool.
MUMMY: (on phone) Ok, crisis averted. I’m ordering some pizza, what do you want?
DRACULA: No garlic this time!
WOLFMAN: Meatballs.
GILLMAN: Half pineapple, half seaweed.
MUMMY: (phone) Yeah, send over the usual. And if we don't get it by sunrise, it's free.
