Is there anything that has a shorter shelf life than a topical sketch that isn't selected? Besides fruit from Top Tomato? It's rough. You pull together a decent take on today's pop culture news only to learn they didn't pick your sketch to be in this week's show. Then what? Submit it around to the hundreds of comedy troupes that are looking for sketches from strangers? Submit them as Craig List samples? Or, do you just start posting on your own blog because you never know (actually you do, but you do it anyway)? Remember that awful season of "The Walking Dead" when Negan arrived? No character development, no classic build-up, just the appearance of a crazy man who projected all his bad behavior on Rick. It was rough enough dealing with the election of 2016, but to have to watch snide Negan in action really sucked the fun out of the show. And had me rooting for the zombies. Anyway, I needed to vent, so I wrote up a TWD parody that undermined that maddening episode. Then there was that weird thing they did by having Negan beat the camera, so we didn't know who got beat for the summer. So that gets a nod, too. I have no idea how that would have played on stage. Maybe attack the guy filming the stage show.
Negan At the Bat
RICK’S GROUP is kneeling, looking forlorn as NEGAN enters carrying his bat. He’s followed by a couple of his HENCHWOMEN.
NEGAN: So, has anyone pissed their pants yet?
(Henchwoman 1 raises her hand.)
NEGAN: Not you, them.
HENCHWOMAN 1: But some of those last few episodes were pretty scary.
HENCHWOMAN 2: Truthfully, they were.
NEGAN: Shut up. So you’re the group that decided to kill some of my people. Then kill some more of my people.
HENCHWOMAN 1: And then some more.
NEGAN: Really?
HENCHWOMAN 1: Sorry.
NEGAN: Now then--
HENCHWOMAN 1: I thought you were attempting to keep an accurate count.
NEGAN: As I was saying, TO THEM, now I’m going to tell you how the new world order works. You work for me now. You give me half your stuff or we’ll burn you out. And I’m going to have to kill one of you now, just to make my point. So now, who is going to get a personal introduction to Lucille? Which to choose, which to choose? Hmmm…Eeny Meeny Miney Moe, catch a tiger by the toe, if he hollers let him go, my mother told me to pick the very next one so out goes Y-o-U!
RICK: Wait, you skipped me.
NEGAN: What?
RICK: You skipped me. It’s not fair if you skipped me.
HENCHWOMAN 2: He’s right, Negan, you skipped him.
EUGENE: That simply invalidates the entire process.
DARYL: Yes, Eugene’s right. He’s an idiot savant, so he would know.
NEGAN: Well, I meant to skip him. I was trying to get you to pee in your pants.
RICK: Oh. No, not yet.
NEGAN: Okay, okay, fine. Let’s try this…
(He walks around the group tapping each on the head.)
NEGAN: Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck…
HENCHWOMAN 1: You keep saying “Duck.”
EUGENE: Duck is fine.
NEGAN: This isn’t really random at all, is it? I need it to be random. Totally freak them out.
HENCHWOMAN 2: No, it isn’t.
HENCHWOMAN 1: I thought that was an odd choice to go with. Maybe if we blindfold you so you don’t know who the goose is?
RICK: We like that idea, right guys?
(The group all agrees.)
NEGAN: You would. No, no, I need something random, but drawn out. Oh, oh, I know.
(turns to group)
Simon says raise your left hand.
The group looks at each other.
RICK: We thought your name was Negan.
DARYL: Who’s Simon?
NEGAN: What?
RICK: Well, if this Simon guy is in charge, maybe we need to talk to him.
NEGAN: There is no “Simon guy.” I’m Simon.
DARYL: So now, suddenly, you’re Simon?
NEGAN: I’m Negan!
MAGGIE: Well, that’s the thing, we had all these people been telling us they were Negan and now you’re saying you’re Negan right after you tell us you’re Simon, you must understand our confusion.
NEGAN: There’s no confusion! Cripes, haven’t any of you ever played Simon sez?
Carl starts to raise his hand, Rick pushes it down.
RICK: Don’t son, Simon didn’t say.
CARL: Oh, I thought the game was Negan says.
HENCHWOMAN 1: What about rock, paper, stone?
HENCHWOMAN 2: There’s no rock, paper, stone!
NEGAN: What are you two talking about?
DARYL: It’s rock-paper-scissors! Everyone knows that.
NEGAN: Says the guy who never heard of Simon Sez.
HENCHWOMAN 1: I wasn’t allowed to play with scissors.
NEGAN: No one’s allowed to play with scissors. That’s dangerous! There’s not actual scissors in Rock, Paper, Scissors! Sheesh!
HENCHWOMAN 2: Hey, boss.
NEGAN: What?
HENCHWOMAN 2: Who’s the guy with the camera?
NEGAN: What? Where?
HENCHWOMAN 2: (points at camera) Right there.
NEGAN: (addressing camera) Hey, you! You are you? What do you think you’re doing?? Who said you could film here???
(He walks over to the camera and starts beating it with his bat.)
(Black out. Graphic up: The end?)
RICK (O.S.): So, we good?
THE END
NEGAN: So, has anyone pissed their pants yet?
(Henchwoman 1 raises her hand.)
NEGAN: Not you, them.
HENCHWOMAN 1: But some of those last few episodes were pretty scary.
HENCHWOMAN 2: Truthfully, they were.
NEGAN: Shut up. So you’re the group that decided to kill some of my people. Then kill some more of my people.
HENCHWOMAN 1: And then some more.
NEGAN: Really?
HENCHWOMAN 1: Sorry.
NEGAN: Now then--
HENCHWOMAN 1: I thought you were attempting to keep an accurate count.
NEGAN: As I was saying, TO THEM, now I’m going to tell you how the new world order works. You work for me now. You give me half your stuff or we’ll burn you out. And I’m going to have to kill one of you now, just to make my point. So now, who is going to get a personal introduction to Lucille? Which to choose, which to choose? Hmmm…Eeny Meeny Miney Moe, catch a tiger by the toe, if he hollers let him go, my mother told me to pick the very next one so out goes Y-o-U!
RICK: Wait, you skipped me.
NEGAN: What?
RICK: You skipped me. It’s not fair if you skipped me.
HENCHWOMAN 2: He’s right, Negan, you skipped him.
EUGENE: That simply invalidates the entire process.
DARYL: Yes, Eugene’s right. He’s an idiot savant, so he would know.
NEGAN: Well, I meant to skip him. I was trying to get you to pee in your pants.
RICK: Oh. No, not yet.
NEGAN: Okay, okay, fine. Let’s try this…
(He walks around the group tapping each on the head.)
NEGAN: Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck…
HENCHWOMAN 1: You keep saying “Duck.”
EUGENE: Duck is fine.
NEGAN: This isn’t really random at all, is it? I need it to be random. Totally freak them out.
HENCHWOMAN 2: No, it isn’t.
HENCHWOMAN 1: I thought that was an odd choice to go with. Maybe if we blindfold you so you don’t know who the goose is?
RICK: We like that idea, right guys?
(The group all agrees.)
NEGAN: You would. No, no, I need something random, but drawn out. Oh, oh, I know.
(turns to group)
Simon says raise your left hand.
The group looks at each other.
RICK: We thought your name was Negan.
DARYL: Who’s Simon?
NEGAN: What?
RICK: Well, if this Simon guy is in charge, maybe we need to talk to him.
NEGAN: There is no “Simon guy.” I’m Simon.
DARYL: So now, suddenly, you’re Simon?
NEGAN: I’m Negan!
MAGGIE: Well, that’s the thing, we had all these people been telling us they were Negan and now you’re saying you’re Negan right after you tell us you’re Simon, you must understand our confusion.
NEGAN: There’s no confusion! Cripes, haven’t any of you ever played Simon sez?
Carl starts to raise his hand, Rick pushes it down.
RICK: Don’t son, Simon didn’t say.
CARL: Oh, I thought the game was Negan says.
HENCHWOMAN 1: What about rock, paper, stone?
HENCHWOMAN 2: There’s no rock, paper, stone!
NEGAN: What are you two talking about?
DARYL: It’s rock-paper-scissors! Everyone knows that.
NEGAN: Says the guy who never heard of Simon Sez.
HENCHWOMAN 1: I wasn’t allowed to play with scissors.
NEGAN: No one’s allowed to play with scissors. That’s dangerous! There’s not actual scissors in Rock, Paper, Scissors! Sheesh!
HENCHWOMAN 2: Hey, boss.
NEGAN: What?
HENCHWOMAN 2: Who’s the guy with the camera?
NEGAN: What? Where?
HENCHWOMAN 2: (points at camera) Right there.
NEGAN: (addressing camera) Hey, you! You are you? What do you think you’re doing?? Who said you could film here???
(He walks over to the camera and starts beating it with his bat.)
(Black out. Graphic up: The end?)
RICK (O.S.): So, we good?
THE END
