Is there anything that has a shorter shelf life than a topical sketch that isn't selected? Other than SNL Vintage? It's rough. You pull together a decent take on today's pop culture news only to learn they didn't pick your sketch to be in this week's show. Then what? Submit it around to the hundreds of comedy troupes that are looking for sketches from strangers? Wait for history to repeat itself and submit again? Or, do you just start posting on your own blog because you never know (actually you do, but you do it anyway)? So, last year, Archie comics went all CW-TV with its characters and launched a TV show, Riverdale, with totally re-configured characters. Which raised the question, "Wait, Archie is still a thing?" Me? I haven’t watched the Archies since they were caught lip-synching to their hit. “Sugar Sugar.” Anyway, they attempted to update the characters to reflect our times. In an election year. Totally natural mash-up, right?
Riverdale Comics
Betty and Archie enter.
BETTY: Gee, Archie, it’s a great day to play ball.
ARCHIE: I know, Betty, but since they dug up that body at the sand lot, it’s a crime scene and they won’t let us play there. I wish we had a place to play.
REGGIE (TRUMP) enters.
REGGIE: What are you babies whining about now?
ARCHIE: Well, Reggie, we wanted to play ball but it turns out the sandlot is a mass grave of some kind.
REGGIE: The sandlot is crap. It’s a dump. Call the gang over and we’ll play at my stadium.
BETTY: What stadium?
REGGIE: Reggie Mantle Stadium. Really, you didn’t know? I built it. It’s got a big sign on it.
ARCHIE: That’s terrific! We’ll have a great time.
REGGIE: You’ll have the best time of your life. It’s the best stadium ever.
BETTY: I’m sure it is.
ARCHIE: Well, I don’t know, Rollo the Rich Kid---
BETTY: Nancy and Sluggo’s friend?
ARCHIE: Right. They say his dad just build this stadium and it has hot and cold running Salsa…
REGGIE: I’m telling you this, no offense, but Rollo is a jerk. He couldn’t make an important decision if his life depended on it. He’s a second-rate jerk. And I heard he hired all Mexicans to work on it. Mine is Olympic class. Chinese Steel.
BETTY: Oooookay.
REGGIE: You hungry? Because my stadium sells the classiest hot dogs in the country. Made from the best dogs. Best in class. Winning.
JUGHEAD comes running over.
JUGHEAD: Hey, Archie, Betty, did you hear?
BETTY: No, Jughead, what’s up?
JUGHEAD: Richie Rich just opened his new sports arena! Wanna go?
REGGIE: Richie Rich? Are you joking? He’s a lousy excuse for a businessman. And his arena is a joke. I could have built that arena, but the deal was lacking. Richie is a sucker. He sickens and disgusts me. I wouldn’t have him negotiate a movie ticket for me. Plus I heard he deals with the Russian Mafia.
JUGHEAD: Who told you that?
REGGIE: The Russian Mafia.
VERONICA enters.
VERONICA: Hi, guys.
REGGIE: Hi, Veronica. We were just discussing my fabulous new sports stadium. Perhaps you would care to join us?
VERONICA: Normally I would love to, Reggie but I’m on my way to Scrooge McDuck’s mansion. He’s letting me swim in his money vault to celebrate getting the Olympic Games.
ARCHIE: Scrooge McDuck is hosting the Olympic Games?
VERONICA: In his mansion.
JUGHEAD: Can you get us tickets?
REGGIE: McDuck is a fourth-rate excuse for a bird. I can’t believe you would fall for his hype. What a loser.
The gang starts easing away.
ARCHIE: Yeah, sure, Reg.
BETTY: Absolutely.
They exit.
REGGIE: I’ve had skin tags with more business sense than Scrooge McDuck. Hey, where’d everyone go? Once again, I’ve scared people off with my shear awesomeness. It’s a gift and a curse. I should run for mayor!
(pulls out cell)
Uncle Pennybags? I’m ready for that trip to Atlantic City. No, no, I’m sure it’s safe now. They must have forgotten all about that. Can’t wait to knock down those 4 houses to put up a hotel! Don’t pass go, don’t collect $200 until I get there!
THE END
BETTY: Gee, Archie, it’s a great day to play ball.
ARCHIE: I know, Betty, but since they dug up that body at the sand lot, it’s a crime scene and they won’t let us play there. I wish we had a place to play.
REGGIE (TRUMP) enters.
REGGIE: What are you babies whining about now?
ARCHIE: Well, Reggie, we wanted to play ball but it turns out the sandlot is a mass grave of some kind.
REGGIE: The sandlot is crap. It’s a dump. Call the gang over and we’ll play at my stadium.
BETTY: What stadium?
REGGIE: Reggie Mantle Stadium. Really, you didn’t know? I built it. It’s got a big sign on it.
ARCHIE: That’s terrific! We’ll have a great time.
REGGIE: You’ll have the best time of your life. It’s the best stadium ever.
BETTY: I’m sure it is.
ARCHIE: Well, I don’t know, Rollo the Rich Kid---
BETTY: Nancy and Sluggo’s friend?
ARCHIE: Right. They say his dad just build this stadium and it has hot and cold running Salsa…
REGGIE: I’m telling you this, no offense, but Rollo is a jerk. He couldn’t make an important decision if his life depended on it. He’s a second-rate jerk. And I heard he hired all Mexicans to work on it. Mine is Olympic class. Chinese Steel.
BETTY: Oooookay.
REGGIE: You hungry? Because my stadium sells the classiest hot dogs in the country. Made from the best dogs. Best in class. Winning.
JUGHEAD comes running over.
JUGHEAD: Hey, Archie, Betty, did you hear?
BETTY: No, Jughead, what’s up?
JUGHEAD: Richie Rich just opened his new sports arena! Wanna go?
REGGIE: Richie Rich? Are you joking? He’s a lousy excuse for a businessman. And his arena is a joke. I could have built that arena, but the deal was lacking. Richie is a sucker. He sickens and disgusts me. I wouldn’t have him negotiate a movie ticket for me. Plus I heard he deals with the Russian Mafia.
JUGHEAD: Who told you that?
REGGIE: The Russian Mafia.
VERONICA enters.
VERONICA: Hi, guys.
REGGIE: Hi, Veronica. We were just discussing my fabulous new sports stadium. Perhaps you would care to join us?
VERONICA: Normally I would love to, Reggie but I’m on my way to Scrooge McDuck’s mansion. He’s letting me swim in his money vault to celebrate getting the Olympic Games.
ARCHIE: Scrooge McDuck is hosting the Olympic Games?
VERONICA: In his mansion.
JUGHEAD: Can you get us tickets?
REGGIE: McDuck is a fourth-rate excuse for a bird. I can’t believe you would fall for his hype. What a loser.
The gang starts easing away.
ARCHIE: Yeah, sure, Reg.
BETTY: Absolutely.
They exit.
REGGIE: I’ve had skin tags with more business sense than Scrooge McDuck. Hey, where’d everyone go? Once again, I’ve scared people off with my shear awesomeness. It’s a gift and a curse. I should run for mayor!
(pulls out cell)
Uncle Pennybags? I’m ready for that trip to Atlantic City. No, no, I’m sure it’s safe now. They must have forgotten all about that. Can’t wait to knock down those 4 houses to put up a hotel! Don’t pass go, don’t collect $200 until I get there!
THE END
