Is there anything that has a shorter shelf life than a topical sketch that isn't selected? Other than the GOP's credibility? It's rough. You pull together a decent take on today's pop culture news only to learn they didn't pick your sketch to be in this week's show. Then what? Submit it around to the hundreds of comedy troupes that are looking for sketches from strangers? Submit it as fan fiction to some ill-defined website? Or, do you just start posting on your own blog because you never know (actually you do, but you do it anyway)? Last TV season there was a lot of ads for Seth MacFarlane's new show "The Orville." A lot of ads. Making it look like a wacky, zany comedy. Then it premiered. Look, I liked the show. But some episodes were neither fish nor fowl. Then, to top it off, it was only like 8 episodes. That's a season these days? Anyway, I decided to goof on it, old school, SNL-style. And here's what I ended up with:
Orville That Endsville
SETH
KELLY
GORDO
ALARA
BORTUS
YAPHIT
CRITIC
STEWIE
(Stage dark.)
SETH: Space, the last frontier. These are the voyages of the USS Orville, on its 100 episode mission--
(Lights up on crew. Seth, captain seated center, beside his FEMALE #2, KELLY. The crew of aliens are at the control panels: GORDO, ALARA, BORTUS and YAPHIT.)
KELLY: And-?
SETH: And what?
KELLY: Our 100 episode mission? To do what?
SETH: Make a 100 episodes. Syndication money, that’s where it’s at. Trust me.
GRODO: We do, that’s why we signed up.
SETH: Ha! Paramount laughed at me when I said I wanted to join Star Fleet.
BORTUS: Good thing you made a fortune for FOX.
SETH: Testify! Yes, sir, with my show biz savvy and a major network backing me, we’ll be rocketing around space for quite some time. Warp speed, Gordo.
GORDO: That’s “Star Trek,” Seth.
SETH: Right, right. What did I call it, light speed?
KELLY: “Star Wars.”
SETH: Just put the pedal to the medal!
GORDO: Okay-dokey.
ALARA: Captain! I’m detecting intruders!
SETH: Can you get a reading?
YAPHIT: It’s hard, there’s a lot of negative vibes coming from it. It’s interfering with our readings.
BORTUS: I knew it. This stuff never goes well. I was all set for that “Galaxy Quest” gig and that fell through. Now this.
ALARA: It’s getting closer.
KELLY: There’s a lot of static and bad energy detected.
ALARA: I’m getting a fix…
SETH: What is it?
YAPHIT: It’s the critics. Damn.
SETH: The critics? What are they saying? On screen!
GORDO: That’s Star Trek…
SETH: Shut up! Just make it so!
BORTUS: Whatev. Critic on screen, sir.
(CRITIC pops up)
CRITIC: Fox is been pushing this series heavily…
GORDO: Tell me about it.
ALARA: It’s all over my twitter feed!
CRITIC: The network has been advertising it as a comedy. But it’s hardly that. The show is too earnest. It’s like Seth MacFarlane is cosplaying at a Trekkie convention. Where’s the comedy?
SETH: What that hell is that supposed to mean? Are they kidding me? I’m in a spaceship called the Orville, for Pete’s sake. That screams comedic premise. My ex-wife is my second-in-command! We make 2017 pop-culture references constantly! Comedy tropes, all!
BORTUS: I think they were expecting more of a spoof.
SETH: It’s not a spoof! It’s a genre comedy! What is wrong with these people? What, so “Airplane” or “Spaceballs” are the only way to play with a genre now? Give me a break! So stupid! What are they saying now?
YAPHIT: I’m getting word that it’s just a rip-off of the Star Trek Universe.
KELLY: Wow, it’s like they don’t know your work at all! Haven’t they seen “Family Guy?” And how you ripped off “The Simpsons?”
ALARA: Or “Ted” and “Toy Story!” Take a premise and make it raunchy!
SETH: Exactly…no, wait, is that how you see me?
CRITIC: And Seth MacFarlane is no leading man!
SETH: They don’t get it! At all! It’s “Star Trek” but with a bunch of shlubs at the center! I’m not supposed to be a leading man! Enough! Warf, power up the photon torpedoes!
BORTOS: First of all, I’m Brotos. And did you mean the Space Torpedoes?
SETH: Yes and Yes!!
GORDO: We can’t lock in on the target. Or the target audience either! They’re all over the place.
KELLY: As are we.
SETH; Just keep trying, Scottie!
GORDO: Scottie? I’m Gordon! Is that why you hired me, because I look like Scottie?
SETH: You look nothing like him!
GRODO: From the new “Star Trek” movies.
SETH: Oh, yeah. That’s why.
YAPHIT: I’m getting a new reading. We have an intruder!
(STEWIE (from Family Guy) enters (walking on his knees) with a ray gun.)
STEWIE: Hello, Seth.
SETH: What are you doing here, Stewie?
STEWIE: Silence! You’ve gone too far, Seth. I’m here to stop you. You’ve had your fun with your little motion pictures. We even tolerated your little Sinatra fling but it ends now.
(Stewie shoots the crew with the ray gun, leaving Seth shakened.)
STEWIE (CONT): Stay in your lane, cartoon-boy. Tina Fey you’re not.
SETH: (cartoon voice) Giggity.
(Black out.)
The End
KELLY
GORDO
ALARA
BORTUS
YAPHIT
CRITIC
STEWIE
(Stage dark.)
SETH: Space, the last frontier. These are the voyages of the USS Orville, on its 100 episode mission--
(Lights up on crew. Seth, captain seated center, beside his FEMALE #2, KELLY. The crew of aliens are at the control panels: GORDO, ALARA, BORTUS and YAPHIT.)
KELLY: And-?
SETH: And what?
KELLY: Our 100 episode mission? To do what?
SETH: Make a 100 episodes. Syndication money, that’s where it’s at. Trust me.
GRODO: We do, that’s why we signed up.
SETH: Ha! Paramount laughed at me when I said I wanted to join Star Fleet.
BORTUS: Good thing you made a fortune for FOX.
SETH: Testify! Yes, sir, with my show biz savvy and a major network backing me, we’ll be rocketing around space for quite some time. Warp speed, Gordo.
GORDO: That’s “Star Trek,” Seth.
SETH: Right, right. What did I call it, light speed?
KELLY: “Star Wars.”
SETH: Just put the pedal to the medal!
GORDO: Okay-dokey.
ALARA: Captain! I’m detecting intruders!
SETH: Can you get a reading?
YAPHIT: It’s hard, there’s a lot of negative vibes coming from it. It’s interfering with our readings.
BORTUS: I knew it. This stuff never goes well. I was all set for that “Galaxy Quest” gig and that fell through. Now this.
ALARA: It’s getting closer.
KELLY: There’s a lot of static and bad energy detected.
ALARA: I’m getting a fix…
SETH: What is it?
YAPHIT: It’s the critics. Damn.
SETH: The critics? What are they saying? On screen!
GORDO: That’s Star Trek…
SETH: Shut up! Just make it so!
BORTUS: Whatev. Critic on screen, sir.
(CRITIC pops up)
CRITIC: Fox is been pushing this series heavily…
GORDO: Tell me about it.
ALARA: It’s all over my twitter feed!
CRITIC: The network has been advertising it as a comedy. But it’s hardly that. The show is too earnest. It’s like Seth MacFarlane is cosplaying at a Trekkie convention. Where’s the comedy?
SETH: What that hell is that supposed to mean? Are they kidding me? I’m in a spaceship called the Orville, for Pete’s sake. That screams comedic premise. My ex-wife is my second-in-command! We make 2017 pop-culture references constantly! Comedy tropes, all!
BORTUS: I think they were expecting more of a spoof.
SETH: It’s not a spoof! It’s a genre comedy! What is wrong with these people? What, so “Airplane” or “Spaceballs” are the only way to play with a genre now? Give me a break! So stupid! What are they saying now?
YAPHIT: I’m getting word that it’s just a rip-off of the Star Trek Universe.
KELLY: Wow, it’s like they don’t know your work at all! Haven’t they seen “Family Guy?” And how you ripped off “The Simpsons?”
ALARA: Or “Ted” and “Toy Story!” Take a premise and make it raunchy!
SETH: Exactly…no, wait, is that how you see me?
CRITIC: And Seth MacFarlane is no leading man!
SETH: They don’t get it! At all! It’s “Star Trek” but with a bunch of shlubs at the center! I’m not supposed to be a leading man! Enough! Warf, power up the photon torpedoes!
BORTOS: First of all, I’m Brotos. And did you mean the Space Torpedoes?
SETH: Yes and Yes!!
GORDO: We can’t lock in on the target. Or the target audience either! They’re all over the place.
KELLY: As are we.
SETH; Just keep trying, Scottie!
GORDO: Scottie? I’m Gordon! Is that why you hired me, because I look like Scottie?
SETH: You look nothing like him!
GRODO: From the new “Star Trek” movies.
SETH: Oh, yeah. That’s why.
YAPHIT: I’m getting a new reading. We have an intruder!
(STEWIE (from Family Guy) enters (walking on his knees) with a ray gun.)
STEWIE: Hello, Seth.
SETH: What are you doing here, Stewie?
STEWIE: Silence! You’ve gone too far, Seth. I’m here to stop you. You’ve had your fun with your little motion pictures. We even tolerated your little Sinatra fling but it ends now.
(Stewie shoots the crew with the ray gun, leaving Seth shakened.)
STEWIE (CONT): Stay in your lane, cartoon-boy. Tina Fey you’re not.
SETH: (cartoon voice) Giggity.
(Black out.)
The End
