Is there anything that has a shorter shelf life than a topical sketch that isn't selected? Other Pfizer price increases? It's rough. You pull together a decent take on today's headlines only to learn they didn't pick your sketch to be in this week's show. Then what? Submit it around to the hundreds of comedy troupes that are looking for sketches from strangers? Post a slide show of the pages on YouTube? Or, do you just start posting on your own blog because you never know (actually you do, but you do it anyway)? There was a point last year that Pandora bracelets were all over the pop culture zeitgeist. And cable has a lot of First Alert ads, so this kind of came together. It could have worked as a stage or video bit, but it didn't make the cut. I was still in the midst of my "short bits" writing style. Then SNL did its Pandora Bracelet parody and now it's just time to put it here....
Pandora/First Alert Charm Bracelet
HUSBAND
WIFE
EMS 1
EMS WOMAN
SPOKES MODEL
ELDERLY WOMAN
(HUSBAND is standing there, his WIFE lying on the floor. Two EMS workers rush in.)
EMS 1: What’s the situation?
HUSBAND: My wife, she passed out. She just collapsed. Help her!
(EMS workers drop to her side. EMS Woman picks up her wrist.)
EMS 1: Is she on medication? Suffering from any pre-existing conditions?
HUSBAND: I don’t know. I don’t know!
(EMS WOMAN is looking at her wrist and bracelet.)
EMS WOMAN: Well, she’s diabetic, and suffering from hypertension, overactive thyroid
and prone to infection.
EMS 1: I’ll get the penicillin.
EMS WOMAN: No, she’s allergic to penicillin and sulfur-based drugs.
HUSBAND: That’s amazing! Are you a doctor? How did you know?
EMS WOMAN: She’s wearing the new Pandora/Medic Alert Charm Bracelet.
(SPOKESWOMAN steps out.)
SPOKES MODEL: Hey, I’m Nancy Mendez, a professionally paid spokes model, here for the new Pandora/Medic Alert Charm Bracelet. Yes, the folks at Pandora Charm bracelets have teamed up with the professionals at Medic Alert to put together these stunning pieces of
jewelry that, when strung together, are actually a record of your medical history.
EMS WOMAN: See that heart charm? She’s had a transplant. The kidney-shaped ruby? Kidney disease. And the deep green emerald charm? She gets a lot of phlegm. And this blue ball? An STD.
SPOKES MODEL: Whether it’s a night on the town or a run to the ER, the Pandora/Medic Alert bracelet is there for you.
EMS 1: This information may have just saved her life!
EMS WOMAN: While looking sensational.
SPOKES MODEL: And that’s not all!
(ELDERLY WOMAN steps out, stumbles and falls then presses her bracelet and talks into it.)
ELDERLY WOMAN: I’ve fallen and can’t get up!
(The Two EMS people run over to her.)
SPOKES MODEL: Order yours today and chose either this lovely peanut allergy charm or this
stunning Gluten intolerance charm for free!
HUSBAND: And to think, I almost gave her a watch!
The end
WIFE
EMS 1
EMS WOMAN
SPOKES MODEL
ELDERLY WOMAN
(HUSBAND is standing there, his WIFE lying on the floor. Two EMS workers rush in.)
EMS 1: What’s the situation?
HUSBAND: My wife, she passed out. She just collapsed. Help her!
(EMS workers drop to her side. EMS Woman picks up her wrist.)
EMS 1: Is she on medication? Suffering from any pre-existing conditions?
HUSBAND: I don’t know. I don’t know!
(EMS WOMAN is looking at her wrist and bracelet.)
EMS WOMAN: Well, she’s diabetic, and suffering from hypertension, overactive thyroid
and prone to infection.
EMS 1: I’ll get the penicillin.
EMS WOMAN: No, she’s allergic to penicillin and sulfur-based drugs.
HUSBAND: That’s amazing! Are you a doctor? How did you know?
EMS WOMAN: She’s wearing the new Pandora/Medic Alert Charm Bracelet.
(SPOKESWOMAN steps out.)
SPOKES MODEL: Hey, I’m Nancy Mendez, a professionally paid spokes model, here for the new Pandora/Medic Alert Charm Bracelet. Yes, the folks at Pandora Charm bracelets have teamed up with the professionals at Medic Alert to put together these stunning pieces of
jewelry that, when strung together, are actually a record of your medical history.
EMS WOMAN: See that heart charm? She’s had a transplant. The kidney-shaped ruby? Kidney disease. And the deep green emerald charm? She gets a lot of phlegm. And this blue ball? An STD.
SPOKES MODEL: Whether it’s a night on the town or a run to the ER, the Pandora/Medic Alert bracelet is there for you.
EMS 1: This information may have just saved her life!
EMS WOMAN: While looking sensational.
SPOKES MODEL: And that’s not all!
(ELDERLY WOMAN steps out, stumbles and falls then presses her bracelet and talks into it.)
ELDERLY WOMAN: I’ve fallen and can’t get up!
(The Two EMS people run over to her.)
SPOKES MODEL: Order yours today and chose either this lovely peanut allergy charm or this
stunning Gluten intolerance charm for free!
HUSBAND: And to think, I almost gave her a watch!
The end
