Is there anything that has a shorter shelf life than a topical sketch that isn't selected? Other than bananas during the summer. At least then you get to make banana bread. It's rough. You pull together a decent take on today's headlines only to learn they didn't pick your sketch to be in this week's show. Then what? Submit it around to the hundreds of comedy troupes that are looking for sketches from strangers? Hold it for a while and hope something similar happens again? Or, do you just start posting on your own blog because you never know (actually you do, but you do it anyway)? I wrote about a sketch last year (here). Update: It didn't get picked. I'm reminded of it now, because the troupe just put out the work it's prepping for this year's Comic-Con show. Sure, I could submit this again and hope they don't remember, or I can present it here...
Us Guys at Comic-Con
(Joe, Harry and Lars, three nerdish college freshmen enter.)
JOE: Whoa, guys! Here we are! Comic-Con.
HARRY & LARS: Yeah!
JOE: What are we here for?
HARRY & LARS: To meet our super heroes!
JOE: And---?
HARRY & LARS: Girls!
JOE: Not just any girls…
LARS: Cosby girls!
HARRY: No you idiot, cosplay girls. Cos-play!
LARS: Ok, I admit it, that was confusing me.
HARRY: What should be do first?
LARS: I’m hungry.
JOE: Are you nuts? We have a convention center full of sexy girls in spandex! How can you think of food now?
HARRY: Joe’s right. We have to move fast. I heard girls can only last so long in spandex. Then they get yeast defections.
JOE: Absolutely! We can go to the Star Wars Catania later.
LARS: But I’m hungry now.
(A COSPLAY SUPERGIRL wanders over.)
HARRY: There’s a girl. Let’s try her!
JOE: No, no, we said Marvel Universe characters only.
HARRY: Oh, right, I forgot.
LARS: DC sucks! Oh, look, Wonder Woman over by the taco truck!
HARRY: That’s DC!
JOE: And Wonder Woman means she’s a girl!
(They huddle together.)
JOE, HARRY & LARS: Yeah!
JOE: Let’s go!
HARRY: Wait a second, she’s coming this way!
LARS: She’s got a burrito.
WONDER WOMAN enters sexily eating a burrito. The three turn their backs. She stops. They turn to look. She takes a bit. The guys start snickering and punching each other in the shoulder. She turns to look at them. They turn away. She looks away from them. The guys all try to be brave. She turns and catches them. They look uncomfortable.
WONDER WOMAN: Do you know went the Rogue One Panel is?
(Joe pulls out Lars’ wrist and looks at his watch.)
JOE, HARRY & LARS: Twelve fifteen, Room B.
WONDER WOMAN: Thank you.
(She exits.)
JOE: Wait? Don’t we have tickets to that?
(Lars pulls out their tickets.)
HARRY: We should have offered to accompany her there!
JOE: Right! Then we could have invited her back to our hotel room and showed her our in-the-box Death Star!
LARS: Oooo, room service!
JOE: Focus, Lars! I’m trying to get us into some kind of comic book tryst!
HARRY: We’ll be ready next time!
JOE: Lots more girls where she came from.
LARS: Look, it’s Black Widow at the snack bar!
JOE: He’s right!
HARRY: Wait, she’s more Scarlett Johansson than tradition comic book.
JOE: Well…
LARS: She’s got an ice cream cone!
BLACK WIDOW enters, eating an ice cream cone.
BLACK WIDOW: (calling off) Sally! Over here!
HARLEY QUINN enters with a Popsicle.
HARLEY: Hi, Nancy!
HARRY: Oh, wow! I didn’t even see that one coming! What are we going to do?
LARS: She’s DC!
JOE: Shut up, Lars. What are we gonna do?
HARRY: We should put the make on them!
JOE: But there are only two of them.
(Joe and Harry look at Lars. Joe gives Lars some money.)
JOE: Here, Lars, go get a hot dog.
LARS: Thanks!
(Lars runs off.)
HARRY: This is perfect. Great. We got it made now!
HARLEY: Gosh, Nance, you see any boys we can have sex with?
(Harley and Widow proceed to eat their ice cream in slow and erotic ways. Joe and Harry gawk at them.)
BLACK WIDOW: Nobody who meets my standards. I mean I don’t think anyone here could keep up with me.
HARLEY: Some of these Supermen look like they’ve been exposed to kryptonite, if you know what I mean.
JOE: (to Harry) I know what she means! I totally know what she means!
(They are joined by a female Darth Vader.)
FEMALE DARTH VADER: I made it!
BLACK WIDOW: What are you supposed to be?
FEMALE DARTH VADER: Darth Vader.
HARLEY: Why?
FEMALE DARTH VADER: So when I’m banging some nerd boy I can yell, “Who’s your daddy!”
(They giggle and high five. The boys are DYING.)
HARLEY: Let’s head over to the Quick Draw competition. The guys that come out of that are always so worked up, they can probably keep us pleasured for a couple of hours.
BLACK WIDOW: Sounds like a plan. A hot, sexy plan.
(They exit.)
HARRY: Why didn’t you say something?
JOE: I was waiting for an opening!
HARRY: There was an opening so big you could fly the Enterprise through!
JOE: What class?
HARRY: Constitution class.
JOE: Get real! With a group of girls like that, the opening would have to be for a Sovereign class! Galaxy class, minimum!
HARRY: I suppose.
(Lars enters carrying all manner of junk food, munching away.)
LARS: Hey, guys, there’s a booth over there, Stan Lee’s handing out food. They’re calling them Stan-wiches!
HARRY: You missed it, Lars!
JOE: These rockin’ babes were on the prowl looking for guys to pleasure them!
LARS: Really?
HARRY: Yeah!
LARS: And I missed it! Aw! Why didn’t you call me?
JOE: No time! It happened too fast!
LARS: Aw, nuts!
HARRY: Sorry, Lars, but you know how these things go.
LARS: Yeah, I guess.
JOE: Don’t worry, Lars, next time around, it’ll be all us guys or nothing!
HARRY: What are we doing now?
LARS: The Stranger Things panel discussion!
JOE: Talk about your chick magnet!
JOE, HARRY & LARS: Woo-hoo!
Black out.
The End
JOE: Whoa, guys! Here we are! Comic-Con.
HARRY & LARS: Yeah!
JOE: What are we here for?
HARRY & LARS: To meet our super heroes!
JOE: And---?
HARRY & LARS: Girls!
JOE: Not just any girls…
LARS: Cosby girls!
HARRY: No you idiot, cosplay girls. Cos-play!
LARS: Ok, I admit it, that was confusing me.
HARRY: What should be do first?
LARS: I’m hungry.
JOE: Are you nuts? We have a convention center full of sexy girls in spandex! How can you think of food now?
HARRY: Joe’s right. We have to move fast. I heard girls can only last so long in spandex. Then they get yeast defections.
JOE: Absolutely! We can go to the Star Wars Catania later.
LARS: But I’m hungry now.
(A COSPLAY SUPERGIRL wanders over.)
HARRY: There’s a girl. Let’s try her!
JOE: No, no, we said Marvel Universe characters only.
HARRY: Oh, right, I forgot.
LARS: DC sucks! Oh, look, Wonder Woman over by the taco truck!
HARRY: That’s DC!
JOE: And Wonder Woman means she’s a girl!
(They huddle together.)
JOE, HARRY & LARS: Yeah!
JOE: Let’s go!
HARRY: Wait a second, she’s coming this way!
LARS: She’s got a burrito.
WONDER WOMAN enters sexily eating a burrito. The three turn their backs. She stops. They turn to look. She takes a bit. The guys start snickering and punching each other in the shoulder. She turns to look at them. They turn away. She looks away from them. The guys all try to be brave. She turns and catches them. They look uncomfortable.
WONDER WOMAN: Do you know went the Rogue One Panel is?
(Joe pulls out Lars’ wrist and looks at his watch.)
JOE, HARRY & LARS: Twelve fifteen, Room B.
WONDER WOMAN: Thank you.
(She exits.)
JOE: Wait? Don’t we have tickets to that?
(Lars pulls out their tickets.)
HARRY: We should have offered to accompany her there!
JOE: Right! Then we could have invited her back to our hotel room and showed her our in-the-box Death Star!
LARS: Oooo, room service!
JOE: Focus, Lars! I’m trying to get us into some kind of comic book tryst!
HARRY: We’ll be ready next time!
JOE: Lots more girls where she came from.
LARS: Look, it’s Black Widow at the snack bar!
JOE: He’s right!
HARRY: Wait, she’s more Scarlett Johansson than tradition comic book.
JOE: Well…
LARS: She’s got an ice cream cone!
BLACK WIDOW enters, eating an ice cream cone.
BLACK WIDOW: (calling off) Sally! Over here!
HARLEY QUINN enters with a Popsicle.
HARLEY: Hi, Nancy!
HARRY: Oh, wow! I didn’t even see that one coming! What are we going to do?
LARS: She’s DC!
JOE: Shut up, Lars. What are we gonna do?
HARRY: We should put the make on them!
JOE: But there are only two of them.
(Joe and Harry look at Lars. Joe gives Lars some money.)
JOE: Here, Lars, go get a hot dog.
LARS: Thanks!
(Lars runs off.)
HARRY: This is perfect. Great. We got it made now!
HARLEY: Gosh, Nance, you see any boys we can have sex with?
(Harley and Widow proceed to eat their ice cream in slow and erotic ways. Joe and Harry gawk at them.)
BLACK WIDOW: Nobody who meets my standards. I mean I don’t think anyone here could keep up with me.
HARLEY: Some of these Supermen look like they’ve been exposed to kryptonite, if you know what I mean.
JOE: (to Harry) I know what she means! I totally know what she means!
(They are joined by a female Darth Vader.)
FEMALE DARTH VADER: I made it!
BLACK WIDOW: What are you supposed to be?
FEMALE DARTH VADER: Darth Vader.
HARLEY: Why?
FEMALE DARTH VADER: So when I’m banging some nerd boy I can yell, “Who’s your daddy!”
(They giggle and high five. The boys are DYING.)
HARLEY: Let’s head over to the Quick Draw competition. The guys that come out of that are always so worked up, they can probably keep us pleasured for a couple of hours.
BLACK WIDOW: Sounds like a plan. A hot, sexy plan.
(They exit.)
HARRY: Why didn’t you say something?
JOE: I was waiting for an opening!
HARRY: There was an opening so big you could fly the Enterprise through!
JOE: What class?
HARRY: Constitution class.
JOE: Get real! With a group of girls like that, the opening would have to be for a Sovereign class! Galaxy class, minimum!
HARRY: I suppose.
(Lars enters carrying all manner of junk food, munching away.)
LARS: Hey, guys, there’s a booth over there, Stan Lee’s handing out food. They’re calling them Stan-wiches!
HARRY: You missed it, Lars!
JOE: These rockin’ babes were on the prowl looking for guys to pleasure them!
LARS: Really?
HARRY: Yeah!
LARS: And I missed it! Aw! Why didn’t you call me?
JOE: No time! It happened too fast!
LARS: Aw, nuts!
HARRY: Sorry, Lars, but you know how these things go.
LARS: Yeah, I guess.
JOE: Don’t worry, Lars, next time around, it’ll be all us guys or nothing!
HARRY: What are we doing now?
LARS: The Stranger Things panel discussion!
JOE: Talk about your chick magnet!
JOE, HARRY & LARS: Woo-hoo!
Black out.
The End
