Is there anything that has a shorter shelf life than a topical sketch that isn't selected? Other than a Trump lawyer explanation. It's rough. You pull together a decent take on today's headlines only to learn they didn't pick your sketch to be in this week's show. Then what? Submit it around to the hundreds of comedy troupes that are looking for sketches from strangers? Turn it into an ebook and sell it on Amazon? Or, do you just start posting on your own blog because you never know (actually you do, but you do it anyway)? This started as an evergreen bit, but the premise just flowed into recent news about comedians. So, we present
Comedy Karaoke
(Mic off to one side of stage. Pat and Mike are to the other side, running the board. A couple, BOB and CAROL cross.)
BOB: This is a great cruise, I’m having a ball. But I’m not sure I want to do this.
CAROL: Oh, stop. It’ll be fun. You just pick want you want to do out of the book and they display the words on the little monitor in front of the microphone. It’s a blast.
BOB: Ok. But I’m going to need another Rum Swizzle first!
(They exit.)
PAT: I’m sorry, Mike, I don’t think this is going to work out.
MIKE: Don’t tell me that. This thing is a goal mime!
PAT: You mean gold mine.
MIKE: I do? Anyway, your cruise line now carries the most unique and fun kind of entertainment of any other ship on the five seas.
PAT: Five seas? Did you mean seven seas or high seas?
MIKE: (on mic) That was Hank from Wisconsin. Now, next up is Mandy from New York, who’s going to do Laundry Problems by Jerry Seinfeld.
(MANDY nervously takes the stage.)
MANDY: (reading off a monitor) Can you believe all these laundry commercials? They promise to get blood out of your clothes. Hey, if you have blood all over your clothes, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest concern--
(Mandy continues silently.)
MIKE: Comedy karaoke, it’s golden I tell ya.
PAT: Look, when you first pitched it to me, I thought so too. But it’s not working out like we had hoped. In fact, it’s turning out to be a headache. We’re starting to get complaints.
(Mandy finishes and bows.)
MIKE: Thank you, Mandy. Now coming to the mic is Harold doing No Respect from Rodney Dangerfield!
(HAROLD enters.)
HAROLD: Boy, I wanna tell ya; I get no respect, no respect at all. Even when I was a kid. When my parents wanted the dog to play with me, they tied a lamp chop around my neck--
(Harold mimes on.)
MIKE: The people loved this stuff. They just do laps around it.
PAT: Do you mean “Lap it up?”
MIKE: I believe I do.
PAT: Yeah, well we got a lot of complaints about the Louis C.K. bits. People don’t want to hear his comedy right now.
MIKE: Is it my fault people can’t separate the man from the art?
PAT: Well, we need to pull all the Cosby bits now. It’s going to upset everyone.
(Harold exits. MAN steps out.)
MAN: Wait, you’re pulling Cosby? I was going to do Noah’s Ark!
(Mike hands him a list.)
MIKE: We got a ton of material. Check out the Bob Newhart page.
(He looks to Pat. Pat gives him a thumb up.)
MIKE: Yeah, the Bob Newhart.
(Man walks off.)
MIKE: Tragedy averted.
PAT: I suppose.
MIKE: Ok, coming up next is our first duet of the evening, welcome Bob and Carol!
(BOB and CAROL come out, all embarrassed.)
CAROL: Hey, Bob, I hear the players on your baseball team have some unusual names. Can you tell me their names?
BOB: Sure, you got Who’s on First, What’s on Second and I Don’t Know’s on third base.
CAROL: That’s what I what to find out.
(They continue silently.)
MIKE: Fine, fine, I’ll pull the Cosby bits. But I’m keeping the Woody Allen stuff in the line-up. It still works with the Miami crowd.
PAT: And---
MIKE: And? What and?
PAT: Look, it’s a family cruise line. The place went crazy when that kid did Carlin’s “Seven Dirty Words!”
(Bob and Carol finish up.)
MIKE: Well, what did you expect the kid to do after he downed all that rum punch? That’s on you. (back to show) Thank you, guys! Ok, we have a last minute entry to our little comedy conclave here, it’s Ronald! Take it away Ronald!
(RONALD walks out to mic.)
RONALD: Hot pockets!
(Ronald continues silently.)
MIKE: Look, I’ve got another idea I think you’ll love.
PAT: What?
MIKE: Cold karaoke!
RONALD: Hot pockets!
PAT: Yeah, yeah, they come up and sing the songs cold, without rehearsal. That’s how it works.
MIKE: No, no, Cold Karaoke! We set it up in this cold room, chilly. Keeps the audience sharp. And the performers. I got the idea when I locked myself in the freezer. It’s like the opposite of hot yoga. Think of it!
RONALD: Hot pockets!
PAT: I’ll think about it. Just not very long.
MIKE: I’ll be big. Like my restaurant idea!
PAT: Eugene O’Meals? Where waiters would suddenly gather and perform scenes from Eugen O’Neil plays? That restaurant idea?
MIKE: Carnival Cruise Lines loved it!
PAT: Yeah, well, Carnival.
RONALD: Hot pockets!
MIKE: Ok, Ronald, you’re done.
(WOMAN walks up.)
WOMAN: Nothing from Totie Fields?
MIKE: Might be mixed in with the Joan Rivers.
(Woman leaves.)
PAT: Well, wrap this up. We got bingo coming in next.
MIKE: I dunno, this stuff is going strong!
(Carol runs up.)
CAROL: They’re doing line dancing by the pool!
(Everyone rushes out.)
PAT: Ba-rump-bump.
MIKE: Shut your manhole.
PAT: Did you mean pie hole?
MIKE: Whatever.
(Man takes mic.)
MAN: (as Fat Albert) Hey, hey, hey!
MIKE: Stop that!
The End
BOB: This is a great cruise, I’m having a ball. But I’m not sure I want to do this.
CAROL: Oh, stop. It’ll be fun. You just pick want you want to do out of the book and they display the words on the little monitor in front of the microphone. It’s a blast.
BOB: Ok. But I’m going to need another Rum Swizzle first!
(They exit.)
PAT: I’m sorry, Mike, I don’t think this is going to work out.
MIKE: Don’t tell me that. This thing is a goal mime!
PAT: You mean gold mine.
MIKE: I do? Anyway, your cruise line now carries the most unique and fun kind of entertainment of any other ship on the five seas.
PAT: Five seas? Did you mean seven seas or high seas?
MIKE: (on mic) That was Hank from Wisconsin. Now, next up is Mandy from New York, who’s going to do Laundry Problems by Jerry Seinfeld.
(MANDY nervously takes the stage.)
MANDY: (reading off a monitor) Can you believe all these laundry commercials? They promise to get blood out of your clothes. Hey, if you have blood all over your clothes, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest concern--
(Mandy continues silently.)
MIKE: Comedy karaoke, it’s golden I tell ya.
PAT: Look, when you first pitched it to me, I thought so too. But it’s not working out like we had hoped. In fact, it’s turning out to be a headache. We’re starting to get complaints.
(Mandy finishes and bows.)
MIKE: Thank you, Mandy. Now coming to the mic is Harold doing No Respect from Rodney Dangerfield!
(HAROLD enters.)
HAROLD: Boy, I wanna tell ya; I get no respect, no respect at all. Even when I was a kid. When my parents wanted the dog to play with me, they tied a lamp chop around my neck--
(Harold mimes on.)
MIKE: The people loved this stuff. They just do laps around it.
PAT: Do you mean “Lap it up?”
MIKE: I believe I do.
PAT: Yeah, well we got a lot of complaints about the Louis C.K. bits. People don’t want to hear his comedy right now.
MIKE: Is it my fault people can’t separate the man from the art?
PAT: Well, we need to pull all the Cosby bits now. It’s going to upset everyone.
(Harold exits. MAN steps out.)
MAN: Wait, you’re pulling Cosby? I was going to do Noah’s Ark!
(Mike hands him a list.)
MIKE: We got a ton of material. Check out the Bob Newhart page.
(He looks to Pat. Pat gives him a thumb up.)
MIKE: Yeah, the Bob Newhart.
(Man walks off.)
MIKE: Tragedy averted.
PAT: I suppose.
MIKE: Ok, coming up next is our first duet of the evening, welcome Bob and Carol!
(BOB and CAROL come out, all embarrassed.)
CAROL: Hey, Bob, I hear the players on your baseball team have some unusual names. Can you tell me their names?
BOB: Sure, you got Who’s on First, What’s on Second and I Don’t Know’s on third base.
CAROL: That’s what I what to find out.
(They continue silently.)
MIKE: Fine, fine, I’ll pull the Cosby bits. But I’m keeping the Woody Allen stuff in the line-up. It still works with the Miami crowd.
PAT: And---
MIKE: And? What and?
PAT: Look, it’s a family cruise line. The place went crazy when that kid did Carlin’s “Seven Dirty Words!”
(Bob and Carol finish up.)
MIKE: Well, what did you expect the kid to do after he downed all that rum punch? That’s on you. (back to show) Thank you, guys! Ok, we have a last minute entry to our little comedy conclave here, it’s Ronald! Take it away Ronald!
(RONALD walks out to mic.)
RONALD: Hot pockets!
(Ronald continues silently.)
MIKE: Look, I’ve got another idea I think you’ll love.
PAT: What?
MIKE: Cold karaoke!
RONALD: Hot pockets!
PAT: Yeah, yeah, they come up and sing the songs cold, without rehearsal. That’s how it works.
MIKE: No, no, Cold Karaoke! We set it up in this cold room, chilly. Keeps the audience sharp. And the performers. I got the idea when I locked myself in the freezer. It’s like the opposite of hot yoga. Think of it!
RONALD: Hot pockets!
PAT: I’ll think about it. Just not very long.
MIKE: I’ll be big. Like my restaurant idea!
PAT: Eugene O’Meals? Where waiters would suddenly gather and perform scenes from Eugen O’Neil plays? That restaurant idea?
MIKE: Carnival Cruise Lines loved it!
PAT: Yeah, well, Carnival.
RONALD: Hot pockets!
MIKE: Ok, Ronald, you’re done.
(WOMAN walks up.)
WOMAN: Nothing from Totie Fields?
MIKE: Might be mixed in with the Joan Rivers.
(Woman leaves.)
PAT: Well, wrap this up. We got bingo coming in next.
MIKE: I dunno, this stuff is going strong!
(Carol runs up.)
CAROL: They’re doing line dancing by the pool!
(Everyone rushes out.)
PAT: Ba-rump-bump.
MIKE: Shut your manhole.
PAT: Did you mean pie hole?
MIKE: Whatever.
(Man takes mic.)
MAN: (as Fat Albert) Hey, hey, hey!
MIKE: Stop that!
The End
