The FitBit Skit
(Mary and Sid walking along.)
SID: Oh, I just got my South American badge!
MARY: That’s great! I love how this Fitbit app keeps me active!
(Her phone chirps. She looks at it and looks shocked, but keeps walking.)
SID: Oh, is that your badge? What’d you get? North America? The Great Wall? Mary? What’s the matter? What’s going on! Stop, hold up!
MARY: I can’t stop!
SID: What’s the matter?
MARY: I just got a text! There’s a bomb in my Fitbit and it’ll go off if I drop below 10,000 steps!
ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Speed 3: Fitbitten
(Cop is now walking beside her.)
COP: So, what’s your name?
COP: Ok, Mary you’re doing great.
MARY: Thanks, Officer. What’s your name?
COP: Celebrity parents, what can I say? Okay, we have the bomb squad coming in and they’re going to try to deactivate the bomb.
COP: Yes. Really hard.
COP: I’ll be honest with you, Mary, this doesn’t come up a lot.
MARY: I’m sure. Why couldn’t I go mall walking like other people?
(Group of BOMB SQUAD PEOPLE walk and catch up, gather in front of Mary.)
COP: Ok, Mary, hold out your arm.
(Mary holds her bare arm to the group.)
COP: No, the one with the bomb on it.
MARY: Oh, right. Sorry.
(The squad crowds around her wrist. Mary suddenly goes into pain.)
MARY: Ow, ow!
COP: What is it, Mary? Talk to me!
MARY: I’m cramping! I’ve got a cramp!
COP: You gotta keep walking, Mary! Who’s got a banana?
(All the Bomb Squad People hold out a banana. Cop grabs one and forces Mary to eat it.)
COP: Eat this. Yes. The potassium. It’ll help.
(Mary starts getting her stride back.)
MARY: It is, it is helping. Thank you for the banana, Officer Apple.
COP: My pleasure. So, you doing anything after the bomb deactivation?
MARY: What did you have in mind?
COP: A little supper, a little dancing maybe?
MARY: Oh, I love dancing! And my Fitbit records it as movement!
COP: I wouldn’t count on getting that back.
MARY: Fair point.
COP: How’s it coming boys?
(all the bomb squad people hold a thumb up.)
COP: Great. Oh, no! Look out for that open man hole!
(The bomb squad drop out of frame/off stage, while Mary leaps a bit and continues walking.)
COP: Damn it!
(Another OFFICER jogs up.)
OFFICER: Apple, the chief has two plans!
COP: What’s the first plan?
OFFICER: Cut off her hand.
(He pulls out a saw.)
MARY: And the other plan?
OFFICER: He wants to set up a tread mill in the bomb squad bunker and get it running, and then we direct her to onto it.
COP: I like it.
MARY: Yeah, sure.
OFFICER: There’s just one thing…
OFFICER: The stairs are out of order! She’ll have to take the elevator!
COP: That’s crazy.
OFFICER: Oh no! Your shoe lace has come untied!
MARY: Oh, help me!
COP: Quick, Officer, hold my belt!
(Cop drops down while the Officer holds him by the belt. Officer is working Mary’s shoe.)
OFFICER: Have you got it?
COP: Almost got it!
OFFICER: Hurry, your belt is coming loose!
MARY: Hang on, Apple!
(Office Apple pops up.)
COP: Got it!
(Cop gets his radio out.)
MARY: Oh, look, I earned my Orient Express badge!
COP: What’s that, Chief? They are? She is? Okay!
MARY: What is that?
COP: They’re sending out an electronics expert who can deactivate the Fitbit.
MARY: Good. I’m getting tired.
(A BYSTANDER comes up and throws a small paper cup of water in her face.)
BYSTANDER: You’re all winners!
COP: What are you doing???
BYSTANDER: This isn’t the marathon?
MARY: Get out of here!
(They chase Bystander off. Just then, the IT EXPERT runs up and jumps on Mary’s back and rides piggyback.)
EXPERT: Show me the watch! Quickly!
(Mary bends her arm back.)
OFFICER: You’re doing great, Mary.
COP: Shut up. I saw her first!
(The Expert waves the Fitbit in the air. Everyone stops walking.)
MARY: That’s it? This nightmare is over??
COP: So, maybe me and you can go out now?
MARY: Yes we can. (to Expert) Could you get off now?
(Expert gets off her back.)
MARY: Yes. Let me run home, get washed up and changed. You can pick me up at eight.
MARY: Just text me on my new Samsung phone when you’re ready.
(Mary walks off, pulling out her cell phone.)
COP: You bet—wait! Samsung??? Nooooooo!
(Expert runs off. Explosion off stage.)
COP: Shut up.