Is there anything that has a shorter shelf life than a topical sketch that isn't selected? Besides my Roseanne spec script? But I digress...It's rough. But sometimes it's only kinda topical. But, still, it doesn't get picked. It now just sits there, festering on your hard drive until you decide to blog about it because you never know (actually you do, but you do it anyway). Fitbits were the "next big thing" not so long ago. I was hoping that by mixing a hot new fad with an old movie, it might lean it into "evergreen" territory. But then I ended it with some cell phone current events, which pushed it back into "topical" land. Plus I was going for an epic scale on this stage skit. Not many groups I know have a cast big enough to mount it. So, here we are, for your reading pleasure,
The FitBit Skit
(For stage, actors should mime walking along, switching as needed from toward audience to facing stage left or right. Although for video purposes, it should be a mid-shot with people dropping out of frame when necessary)
(Mary and Sid walking along.)
SID: Oh, I just got my South American badge!
MARY: That’s great! I love how this Fitbit app keeps me active!
(Her phone chirps. She looks at it and looks shocked, but keeps walking.)
SID: Oh, is that your badge? What’d you get? North America? The Great Wall? Mary? What’s the matter? What’s going on! Stop, hold up!
MARY: I can’t stop!
SID: What’s the matter?
MARY: I just got a text! There’s a bomb in my Fitbit and it’ll go off if I drop below 10,000 steps!
ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Speed 3: Fitbitten
(Cop is now walking beside her.)
COP: So, what’s your name?
MARY: Mary.
COP: Ok, Mary you’re doing great.
MARY: Thanks, Officer. What’s your name?
COP: Apple.
MARY: Apple?
COP: Celebrity parents, what can I say? Okay, we have the bomb squad coming in and they’re going to try to deactivate the bomb.
MARY: Try??
COP: Yes. Really hard.
MARY: Try?
COP: I’ll be honest with you, Mary, this doesn’t come up a lot.
MARY: I’m sure. Why couldn’t I go mall walking like other people?
(Group of BOMB SQUAD PEOPLE walk and catch up, gather in front of Mary.)
COP: Ok, Mary, hold out your arm.
(Mary holds her bare arm to the group.)
COP: No, the one with the bomb on it.
MARY: Oh, right. Sorry.
(The squad crowds around her wrist. Mary suddenly goes into pain.)
MARY: Ow, ow!
COP: What is it, Mary? Talk to me!
MARY: I’m cramping! I’ve got a cramp!
COP: You gotta keep walking, Mary! Who’s got a banana?
(All the Bomb Squad People hold out a banana. Cop grabs one and forces Mary to eat it.)
COP: Eat this. Yes. The potassium. It’ll help.
(Mary starts getting her stride back.)
MARY: It is, it is helping. Thank you for the banana, Officer Apple.
COP: My pleasure. So, you doing anything after the bomb deactivation?
MARY: What did you have in mind?
COP: A little supper, a little dancing maybe?
MARY: Oh, I love dancing! And my Fitbit records it as movement!
COP: I wouldn’t count on getting that back.
MARY: Fair point.
COP: How’s it coming boys?
(all the bomb squad people hold a thumb up.)
COP: Great. Oh, no! Look out for that open man hole!
(The bomb squad drop out of frame/off stage, while Mary leaps a bit and continues walking.)
COP: Damn it!
(Another OFFICER jogs up.)
OFFICER: Apple, the chief has two plans!
COP: What’s the first plan?
OFFICER: Cut off her hand.
(He pulls out a saw.)
MARY: And the other plan?
OFFICER: He wants to set up a tread mill in the bomb squad bunker and get it running, and then we direct her to onto it.
COP: I like it.
MARY: Yeah, sure.
OFFICER: There’s just one thing…
MARY: What?
OFFICER: The stairs are out of order! She’ll have to take the elevator!
COP: That’s crazy.
OFFICER: Oh no! Your shoe lace has come untied!
MARY: Oh, help me!
COP: Quick, Officer, hold my belt!
(Cop drops down while the Officer holds him by the belt. Officer is working Mary’s shoe.)
OFFICER: Have you got it?
COP: Almost got it!
OFFICER: Hurry, your belt is coming loose!
MARY: Hang on, Apple!
(Office Apple pops up.)
COP: Got it!
(Cop gets his radio out.)
MARY: Oh, look, I earned my Orient Express badge!
COP: What’s that, Chief? They are? She is? Okay!
MARY: What is that?
COP: They’re sending out an electronics expert who can deactivate the Fitbit.
OFFICER: Great.
MARY: Good. I’m getting tired.
(A BYSTANDER comes up and throws a small paper cup of water in her face.)
BYSTANDER: You’re all winners!
COP: What are you doing???
BYSTANDER: This isn’t the marathon?
MARY: Get out of here!
(They chase Bystander off. Just then, the IT EXPERT runs up and jumps on Mary’s back and rides piggyback.)
MARY: Hey!
EXPERT: Show me the watch! Quickly!
(Mary bends her arm back.)
OFFICER: You’re doing great, Mary.
COP: Shut up. I saw her first!
OFFICER: Sorry.
EXPERT: And…done!
(The Expert waves the Fitbit in the air. Everyone stops walking.)
MARY: That’s it? This nightmare is over??
EXPERT: Yes.
COP: So, maybe me and you can go out now?
MARY: Yes we can. (to Expert) Could you get off now?
(Expert gets off her back.)
COP: Tonight?
MARY: Yes. Let me run home, get washed up and changed. You can pick me up at eight.
COP: Great!
MARY: Just text me on my new Samsung phone when you’re ready.
(Mary walks off, pulling out her cell phone.)
COP: You bet—wait! Samsung??? Nooooooo!
(Expert runs off. Explosion off stage.)
(A beat.)
OFFICER: Bummer.
COP: Shut up.
The End
(Mary and Sid walking along.)
SID: Oh, I just got my South American badge!
MARY: That’s great! I love how this Fitbit app keeps me active!
(Her phone chirps. She looks at it and looks shocked, but keeps walking.)
SID: Oh, is that your badge? What’d you get? North America? The Great Wall? Mary? What’s the matter? What’s going on! Stop, hold up!
MARY: I can’t stop!
SID: What’s the matter?
MARY: I just got a text! There’s a bomb in my Fitbit and it’ll go off if I drop below 10,000 steps!
ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Speed 3: Fitbitten
(Cop is now walking beside her.)
COP: So, what’s your name?
MARY: Mary.
COP: Ok, Mary you’re doing great.
MARY: Thanks, Officer. What’s your name?
COP: Apple.
MARY: Apple?
COP: Celebrity parents, what can I say? Okay, we have the bomb squad coming in and they’re going to try to deactivate the bomb.
MARY: Try??
COP: Yes. Really hard.
MARY: Try?
COP: I’ll be honest with you, Mary, this doesn’t come up a lot.
MARY: I’m sure. Why couldn’t I go mall walking like other people?
(Group of BOMB SQUAD PEOPLE walk and catch up, gather in front of Mary.)
COP: Ok, Mary, hold out your arm.
(Mary holds her bare arm to the group.)
COP: No, the one with the bomb on it.
MARY: Oh, right. Sorry.
(The squad crowds around her wrist. Mary suddenly goes into pain.)
MARY: Ow, ow!
COP: What is it, Mary? Talk to me!
MARY: I’m cramping! I’ve got a cramp!
COP: You gotta keep walking, Mary! Who’s got a banana?
(All the Bomb Squad People hold out a banana. Cop grabs one and forces Mary to eat it.)
COP: Eat this. Yes. The potassium. It’ll help.
(Mary starts getting her stride back.)
MARY: It is, it is helping. Thank you for the banana, Officer Apple.
COP: My pleasure. So, you doing anything after the bomb deactivation?
MARY: What did you have in mind?
COP: A little supper, a little dancing maybe?
MARY: Oh, I love dancing! And my Fitbit records it as movement!
COP: I wouldn’t count on getting that back.
MARY: Fair point.
COP: How’s it coming boys?
(all the bomb squad people hold a thumb up.)
COP: Great. Oh, no! Look out for that open man hole!
(The bomb squad drop out of frame/off stage, while Mary leaps a bit and continues walking.)
COP: Damn it!
(Another OFFICER jogs up.)
OFFICER: Apple, the chief has two plans!
COP: What’s the first plan?
OFFICER: Cut off her hand.
(He pulls out a saw.)
MARY: And the other plan?
OFFICER: He wants to set up a tread mill in the bomb squad bunker and get it running, and then we direct her to onto it.
COP: I like it.
MARY: Yeah, sure.
OFFICER: There’s just one thing…
MARY: What?
OFFICER: The stairs are out of order! She’ll have to take the elevator!
COP: That’s crazy.
OFFICER: Oh no! Your shoe lace has come untied!
MARY: Oh, help me!
COP: Quick, Officer, hold my belt!
(Cop drops down while the Officer holds him by the belt. Officer is working Mary’s shoe.)
OFFICER: Have you got it?
COP: Almost got it!
OFFICER: Hurry, your belt is coming loose!
MARY: Hang on, Apple!
(Office Apple pops up.)
COP: Got it!
(Cop gets his radio out.)
MARY: Oh, look, I earned my Orient Express badge!
COP: What’s that, Chief? They are? She is? Okay!
MARY: What is that?
COP: They’re sending out an electronics expert who can deactivate the Fitbit.
OFFICER: Great.
MARY: Good. I’m getting tired.
(A BYSTANDER comes up and throws a small paper cup of water in her face.)
BYSTANDER: You’re all winners!
COP: What are you doing???
BYSTANDER: This isn’t the marathon?
MARY: Get out of here!
(They chase Bystander off. Just then, the IT EXPERT runs up and jumps on Mary’s back and rides piggyback.)
MARY: Hey!
EXPERT: Show me the watch! Quickly!
(Mary bends her arm back.)
OFFICER: You’re doing great, Mary.
COP: Shut up. I saw her first!
OFFICER: Sorry.
EXPERT: And…done!
(The Expert waves the Fitbit in the air. Everyone stops walking.)
MARY: That’s it? This nightmare is over??
EXPERT: Yes.
COP: So, maybe me and you can go out now?
MARY: Yes we can. (to Expert) Could you get off now?
(Expert gets off her back.)
COP: Tonight?
MARY: Yes. Let me run home, get washed up and changed. You can pick me up at eight.
COP: Great!
MARY: Just text me on my new Samsung phone when you’re ready.
(Mary walks off, pulling out her cell phone.)
COP: You bet—wait! Samsung??? Nooooooo!
(Expert runs off. Explosion off stage.)
(A beat.)
OFFICER: Bummer.
COP: Shut up.
The End
