There was another school shooting, only this time the students didn't just go away, the starting pushing back. Once that happened, certain political groups starting getting antsy, then nasty. They claimed the student victims weren't really students or victims. So, I wrote up a sketch called the:
35th Annual Crisis Actors Guild Awards Red Carpet Pre-Show
-Well, it’s not quite over yet. We still have a big one coming up…
(HOST and HOSTESS on stage, with mics.)
Host: Welcome to the Red Carpet!
Hostess: It’s going to be an exciting evening!
Host: Yes, the 35th Annual Crisis Actors Guild Awards start in just a little while and we’re here to catch all the pre-show excitement and glamour!
Hostess: Excitement and glamour galore! Oh, here comes Cynthia Tripod! Cynthia! Cynthia, can you talk with us a moment?
Cynthia: Hi, Karen! Hi, Craig!
Hostess: Big night for you!
Cynthia: I know, right? Hi, Mom!
Host: Nominated for best supporting player in a school or church shooting for your role in the Springfield Massacre. Are you nervous?
Cynthia: Oh, please, nervous? I’ve stood before the national media a dozen times pretending to be a survivor of shooting massacres, always worried that some sharp-eyed patriot will spot me. But they never do. So, this is a cake walk for me.
Hostess: So, what’s it like on the set of one of these media false flag operations?
Cynthia: There's a lot of confusion; not as much as if this kind of stuff really happened, but enough.
Host: And, you guys seem to know your stuff. Is there a lot of improv?
Cynthia: I wish! That’s my training. There's some improv, but these things are very tightly scripted. And we're totally off book, unlike a certain president and his listening meetings.
Host: There’s a burn!
Hostess: And, who are you wearing?
Host: So good to see you, Cynthia!
Hostess: And good luck!
Cynthia: Thank you! Guns are murder!
Hostess: Oh, you!
(She walks off.)
Host: And we’re being joined now by John Bennett Yancy.
(A tall man, JOHN, enters.)
Hostess: John, welcome.
John: This is awesome!
Host: Your first time here, right?
John: You know it.
Host: And your first nomination!
John: Crazy, right? My First False Flag Award nomination! Hi, Mom!
Host: Everyone wants to win a Falsie!
Hostess: You’re nominated for your role as Youngster #2 in the Mayberry Movie Theater Shooting. I gotta say, you’re tall drink of water, how do you do prepare for the role of playing someone so much younger than yourself?
John: Frankly, I’m on my knees. I just stand on my knees, wear a baseball cap and hold a lollipop. The sheeple eat it up. Every. Single. Time.
HOST: That’s it?
John: Well, the camera operators at CNN got my back, you know? Just medium shots.
Host: It certainly has worked and you impressed the Guild, that’s for sure!
John: It’s an honor just to be nominated!
Host: Thanks for stopping by!
Hostess: See you inside!
John: Not if I see you first!
Host: Just a reminder, you can catch the after-show on the Al Jeezera channel and other streaming platforms that Fox Nation can’t find.
Hostess: No sense in spoiling this party!
Host: Oh, someone very special is approaching!
Hostess: Oh, indeed! It’s Debra Fitch, this year’s recipient of the Crisis Actor Lifetime Achievement Award.
Host: An honor, Debra.
Hostess: You are the consummate pro.
Debra: It’s just a matter of memorizing your lines and not bumping into the dead bodies. And remembering which agenda is signing the check! Hi, mom!
(They all laugh.)
Hostess: Now, you have been a crisis actor appearing at numerous crime sites for decades now.
Debra: All the way back to the Texas Tower Shooter, where I portrayed a traumatized toddler calling for stricter gun laws.
HOST: What would have been your most challenging role?
Debra: Oh, the Amish School shooting. There was a lot of back story to that and I couldn’t use zippers.
Host: So, what’s next for the Queen of Bogus Calamity?
Debra: Taking some time off, Craig, and just deal with the death threats. And ponder the reasons why we're just not effective.
Host: Well, congratulations for being honored for a remarkable career!
Debra: Thank you!
(Debra exits. Suddenly gun shots are heard. John, Debra and Cynthia suddenly pop out.)
Cynthia: Oh, my baby! My baby!
John: How can we still allow this to happen???
Debra: The NRA is a terrorist organization!
John: You are monsters for the way you devalue human life!
Cynthia: What about the children???
HOST: What are those gun shots???? Where are they coming from???
Hostess: (taking out cell phone) Oh, that’s me. It’s my ringtone! I’m getting some texts.
Host: That’s an awful ringtone.
Hostess: I know, right? I can’t figure out how to reset it.
John: Oh, you crazy guys!
Debra: It’s like a reflex at this point!
Cynthia: Woo-hoo! Good times. See you all inside!
(They exit again. REFEREE with Starter pistol comes out.)
HOST: Oh, here’s the Starter Pistol, getting ready to signal the start of the show.
Hostess: Thank you all for joining us!
(Pistol fires. John, Cynthia and Debra run out again.)
John: Gun reform now!
Debra: Boycott the NRA!
Cynthia: Does this bullet-proof vest make me look fat?