Never throw anything out; that's one resolution I've kept! I wrote and re-wrote this bit quite a bit. It bounced back and forth between venues, radio and prose; as a skit and a Reader's Digest submission. Finally The Big Jewel used it. I had to expand it out somewhat to reach the word count, but it holds up and transferred well, since it was barely a radio skit to begin with. I guess I figured it would be done as a series of "black out" sketches, with the big intro, then recite one resolution then do it again later with another resolution. Oh, well...
We present this comedy to remind you that my Christmas Comedy Caper, Lost Claus is available over at Amazon. So buy your copy today and avoid the holiday rush!
Our Easy-To-Keep New Years Resolutions!
A screen snap and link to The Big Jewel version:
The script for the radio version:
ANNOUNCER: It’s New Year's and you know what that means. Making hard-to-keep resolutions to improve yourself that will inevitably fail. So why succumb to guilt over life-changing alterations gone unheeded? Want to make a resolution this New Years, but not a hard one? Something that will be easy to stick to? Then try one of our patented Easy-to-Keep New Years Resolutions!
MAN: No unnecessary space trips.
WOMAN: Cut back on adopting third world babies.
MAN: I resolve not to post government secrets online.
WOMAN: I’m cutting back on bacon-flavor sodas.
MAN: I’m turning down any offers to be the subject of a reality TV show.
WOMAN: Cut down on spamming people.
MAN: Stop tough negotiating with the Yankees.
WOMAN: No more suicide bombing missions.
MAN: Cut down on my egg-nog consumption for a couple of months.
WOMAN: Try to put on a few pounds.
MAN: I resolve to use more contractions in my speech and writing.
WOMAN: Limit my resolutions to once a year.
ANNOUNCER: Easy, right? So keep on listening for more of our Easy-to-keep New Years Resolutions!
End
MAN: No unnecessary space trips.
WOMAN: Cut back on adopting third world babies.
MAN: I resolve not to post government secrets online.
WOMAN: I’m cutting back on bacon-flavor sodas.
MAN: I’m turning down any offers to be the subject of a reality TV show.
WOMAN: Cut down on spamming people.
MAN: Stop tough negotiating with the Yankees.
WOMAN: No more suicide bombing missions.
MAN: Cut down on my egg-nog consumption for a couple of months.
WOMAN: Try to put on a few pounds.
MAN: I resolve to use more contractions in my speech and writing.
WOMAN: Limit my resolutions to once a year.
ANNOUNCER: Easy, right? So keep on listening for more of our Easy-to-keep New Years Resolutions!
End
