This is a sweet little sketch I wrote many moons ago. Naturally, I submitted it around to everyone and received a lot of rejections. I actually wrote a summer sequel to it anyway, "Mid-Summer Crisis." Then I stumbled across a Craig's Listing from the Charles Stewart Howard Playhouse for an annual Christmas show they did. It was an evening of "short plays, 10 minute maximum" which to me means "sketch." I pulled out several of my bits and sent them out. This one got in and was performed. The only record of the night were photos they posted online, which I grabbed.
If you liked this holiday bit, you'll love my book, Lost Claus, the story of a tough PI and an elf who have to save Christmas. It's over at Amazon. Buy a copy today! Yule be glad you did!
Christmas Eve Crisis
(Mom trying to feed her baby in a high chair)
MOM: Come on, baby, it's late. It's Christmas Eve. Drink your ba-ba. Mommy's got a lot to do yet. I still have to put together the bike and something called "Capt. Danger's Laser Palace and Turbo Home." Be a good baby.
KIDS: Mom!
MOM: What is it, kids?
BOBBY: Mom, is it Christmas yet?
MOM: No, it's still a couple of hours away, Bobby.
TEDDY: Did Santa come early, maybe?
MOM: No, Teddy, Santa doesn't come early. He comes exactly on time every
year.
DEBBIE: What time does he come, Mom?
MOM: Bedtime. Now go to sleep, Debbie. All of you.
(Kids grumble off.)
MOM: Come on, babe. Daddy's not going to be home from the store 'til late.
Lord knows why he waits 'til the last minute to try and find "Dolly
Crawlabout." Don't you want your Blue's Clues Foam Neighborhood and Action
Figures? You won't get it until you go to sleep.
KIDS: Mom!!!
MOM: What is it?
BOBBY: We can't sleep.
MOM: Count sheep.
DEBBIE: But it's Christmas!
MOM: Then count reindeer. Upstairs, now!...
(Kids grumble off. )
MOM: All right, little one, let's get a nice burp, then we go to sleep. Come on, little burp...
(Huge burp is heard. )
MOM: Whoa! I wanted a burp, not an eruption!
KIDS: Mom!
MOM: What?
TEDDY: We're too excited to sleep.
BOBBY: Yeah, we're thinking about all the great presents we're going to find
under the tree.
MOM: Well, then think about all the coal you're going to find in your
stocking if you don't go to bed now!
DEBBIE: But mom, it's Christmas Eve. Santa's already made his list.
BOBBY: And checked it twice!
TEDDY: Now doesn't count.
MOM: He can be paged. Bed. Now.
(Kids grumble off.)
MOM: There we go, darlin'. Nice and easy. Night-night. (singing) Silent night. Holy night. All is calm---
KIDS: Mom!
MOM: What!
BOBBY: We took a vote.
TEDDY: We want to watch the rest of the Yule log on Channel 11.
MOM: You watched enough.
DEBBIE: But we want to see how it ends.
MOM: I'll tape it for you.
BOBBY: Mom, did you leave cookies out for Santa?
MOM: Yes.
TEDDY: What kind?
MOM: Chocolate chip.
TEDDY: Jimmy left Oreos last year and he got a Mr. Savage Action Man and his
Killer Dino-Droids.
MOM: So?
DEBBIE: Maybe you should put out some Oreo cookies so we can get good stuff.
BOBBY: Yeah. And real Oreo. Not that bogus Hydrox stuff.
MOM: Get to bed before I put out saltine crackers and you can kiss your
chance for a polyurethane skateboard and helmet good-by.
KIDS: But we're not sleepy!
TEDDY: Yeah, we want to do something Christmas-y.
DEBBIE: Like sing carols.
BOBBY: Or decorate something.
MOM: Okay, fine. I have something here we can play with.
KIDS: What! What!
MOM: Mistletoe. You know how this works?
KIDS: No.
MOM: I hold it over your sister's head and you have to kiss your her!
(Kids exit screaming.)
MOM: I suppose I could tell them it's only parsley. Nah. (sings) Sleep in
heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace.
-END-
MOM: Come on, baby, it's late. It's Christmas Eve. Drink your ba-ba. Mommy's got a lot to do yet. I still have to put together the bike and something called "Capt. Danger's Laser Palace and Turbo Home." Be a good baby.
KIDS: Mom!
MOM: What is it, kids?
BOBBY: Mom, is it Christmas yet?
MOM: No, it's still a couple of hours away, Bobby.
TEDDY: Did Santa come early, maybe?
MOM: No, Teddy, Santa doesn't come early. He comes exactly on time every
year.
DEBBIE: What time does he come, Mom?
MOM: Bedtime. Now go to sleep, Debbie. All of you.
(Kids grumble off.)
MOM: Come on, babe. Daddy's not going to be home from the store 'til late.
Lord knows why he waits 'til the last minute to try and find "Dolly
Crawlabout." Don't you want your Blue's Clues Foam Neighborhood and Action
Figures? You won't get it until you go to sleep.
KIDS: Mom!!!
MOM: What is it?
BOBBY: We can't sleep.
MOM: Count sheep.
DEBBIE: But it's Christmas!
MOM: Then count reindeer. Upstairs, now!...
(Kids grumble off. )
MOM: All right, little one, let's get a nice burp, then we go to sleep. Come on, little burp...
(Huge burp is heard. )
MOM: Whoa! I wanted a burp, not an eruption!
KIDS: Mom!
MOM: What?
TEDDY: We're too excited to sleep.
BOBBY: Yeah, we're thinking about all the great presents we're going to find
under the tree.
MOM: Well, then think about all the coal you're going to find in your
stocking if you don't go to bed now!
DEBBIE: But mom, it's Christmas Eve. Santa's already made his list.
BOBBY: And checked it twice!
TEDDY: Now doesn't count.
MOM: He can be paged. Bed. Now.
(Kids grumble off.)
MOM: There we go, darlin'. Nice and easy. Night-night. (singing) Silent night. Holy night. All is calm---
KIDS: Mom!
MOM: What!
BOBBY: We took a vote.
TEDDY: We want to watch the rest of the Yule log on Channel 11.
MOM: You watched enough.
DEBBIE: But we want to see how it ends.
MOM: I'll tape it for you.
BOBBY: Mom, did you leave cookies out for Santa?
MOM: Yes.
TEDDY: What kind?
MOM: Chocolate chip.
TEDDY: Jimmy left Oreos last year and he got a Mr. Savage Action Man and his
Killer Dino-Droids.
MOM: So?
DEBBIE: Maybe you should put out some Oreo cookies so we can get good stuff.
BOBBY: Yeah. And real Oreo. Not that bogus Hydrox stuff.
MOM: Get to bed before I put out saltine crackers and you can kiss your
chance for a polyurethane skateboard and helmet good-by.
KIDS: But we're not sleepy!
TEDDY: Yeah, we want to do something Christmas-y.
DEBBIE: Like sing carols.
BOBBY: Or decorate something.
MOM: Okay, fine. I have something here we can play with.
KIDS: What! What!
MOM: Mistletoe. You know how this works?
KIDS: No.
MOM: I hold it over your sister's head and you have to kiss your her!
(Kids exit screaming.)
MOM: I suppose I could tell them it's only parsley. Nah. (sings) Sleep in
heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace.
-END-
