Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have split up after seven years of marriage, with Anthony stated that J-Lo was getting very “rhymes with pitchy.”
Phoenix police arrested a 61-year-old Colorado woman for grabbing the breast of a TSA officer and "squeezing and twisting" it during an airport security check…
…Homeland Security was at first undecided as to whether they should prosecute her or hire her.
…just making it tougher for the other 61 year old ladies who have to go through airport security.
…and here’s the kicker, neither one was a terrorist!
MSNBC has given Rev. Al Sharpton his own show…
…the show will be called “Groundless Accusations.”
…which shouldn’t interfere with his ability to “make things up.”
Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel fired nearly 625 city employees last week in order to close Illinois’ $30 million budget gap. Of course, first he cursed them out.
The big Comic convention in San Diego featured a salute to “The Walking Dead.” Which turned out not to be about the economy.
After failing to generate interest in an auction, Borders announced that it would liquidate; closing 400 stores and laying off 10,700 employees…
…so, no federal bail-out?
…Yeah, I read about it on my iPad.
The producers of “Transformers: Dark of the Moon” have signed a deal with Cartoon Network to develop a live-action movie based on Ted Turner’s Captain Planet. The biggest problem? Getting Al Gore into the tights.
During an earnings conference call with analysts, Las Vegas casino magnate Steve Wynn strongly criticized the President on the economy and the debit ceiling debate…
…so, the media should be quick to report that. Wanna bet?
…so, what do you think the odds are the media reporting that?
A Senate committee is looking into the issue of gay marriage looking to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act. I hope this doesn’t take away from their work on the Defense of Deficits Act.
Muslim activists protested along the U.S.-Canadian border against racist American policies that target Muslims at US borders. They want to be treated equally. So the border patrol let them all sneak in.
The head of the Republican National Committee is calling for a Justice Department investigation of President Obama over a fundraising video that was shot in the Map Room of the White House, violating Federal Campaign laws…
…to which the Justice Department responded, “Whatever.”
…The DOJ responded that they can’t investigate unless the president is named “Bush.”
A report by UCLA psychologists finds that, because of social media and television, fame is the top goal among kids these days. Which is why in the future, the 15 minutes of fame is being reduced to 10 minutes.
A French-Canadian couple was awarded $12,500 from a lawsuit against Air Canada because announcements were only made in English. The couple was expecting the announcements to be made in Canadian.
Youtube has been the center of the latest celebrity dating craze as members of the military post videos asking celebs like Mila Kunis, Justin Timberlake, Betty White and Eliza Dushku to go out with them. You know it’s getting serious when Joe Biden posted a video asking Eric Cantor to get together on the debt ceiling debate.
A policeman working with the Taliban in Afghanistan killed seven of his colleagues by first giving them poison and then shooting them dead. For the Taliban, this is their idea of a back-up plan.
Al Qaeda affiliates in Yemen said they are creating a cartoon movie designed to inspire children to join the jihad…
…wow, talk about your loony toons.
…that’s just daffy.
…to be titled “Duck Season, Infidel Season.”
Tiger Woods fired his long-time caddy, Steve Williams, last week…
...apparently, Steve caught Woods with another caddy.
…Williams is filing for cad-amony.
…after Williams heard from Caddies 2 through 17.
On the heels of the movie “Friends With Benefits” Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced his new picture, “Maids With Benefits.”
MSNBC Live hostCenk Uygur has left the network for “creative differences…”
…they wanted him to lean left and he wanted to lean really, really left.
…which was going from MSNBC to BS-NBC.
…He hopes to go to another network that can pronounce his name.
…Uygur stated he wanted to spend more time ranting at his family.
…claiming the White House forced him out for being too hard on the Obama Administration. Apparently he kept bringing up unemployment.
A group of hackers that call themselves “Anonymous” claims to have breached NATO security and accessed a gigabyte of confidential data. Not surprisingly, the hackers were unable to find an exit strategy for the war in Libya anywhere in NATO’s computers.
A new promotional video released by the Department of Homeland Security characterizes white middle class Americans as the most likely terrorists…
…if by terrorist you mean paying passenger.
…the video also stated that people actually enjoyed being felt up at the airport.
…no wonder the Palins travel by bus.
…the video also stated that huge deficits are cool, Al Sharpton on MSNBC would be awesome and Muslims would love us more if we could just let gays marry.
…Or “John McCain voters.”
At special meeting of the Security Council, the United Nations is considering using peacekeeping units to enforce climate change policy…
…accordingly, the UN force is now occupying the mansions of Al Gore for being in violation of energy consumption limits.
…which I guess means now they can start condemning Israel for littering, too.
…and their first task? Getting rid of Israel’s carbon-footprint. Completely.
British police have now hit President Obama’s motorcade with a $200 fine for failing to pay the $16 congestion charge required when driving in parts of London during his recent trip to there. Great, he managed to bump up the deficit again.
MTV announced the nominees for the 2011 Video Music Awards, begging the question, why does MTV care about music video anymore?
The U.S. Justice Department is preparing subpoenas as part of an investigation into Rupert Murdock’s News Corp. relating to alleged foreign bribery and alleged hacking of voicemail of Sept. 11 victims. Sure, we keep asking the Obama Administration to make a stand on immigrants and they go after the legal one.
White House Press Secretary Jay Carney told reporters that the economy is vastly improved from what it was when Barack Obama was sworn into office as president…
…more surprisingly, he said it with a straight face.
…it’s just all those pesky unemployed people mucking things up.
…so, I’m guessing we don’t want to know what a worse economy looks like.
As the government sells its shares of the bailed out Chrysler Corp, the Treasury Dept. announced that taxpayers are likely to lose $1.3 billion…
…man, I could’ve bought my own minivan with my share.
…even more if the US decides to bail out the Edsel next.
According to Immigration and Customs Enforcement the Obama administration set a record last year for the number of deportations of immigrants. However, they have supplied them with absentee ballots.
Kim Kardashian is suing Old Navy for using a look-alike actress in a recent ad campaign. Kardashian said she first became suspicious of the impersonator when she didn’t receive a check for doing the commercial.
The military certified the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” the military’s ban on openly gay service personnel. Immediately, US forces began glitter bombing raids in Afghanistan and Libya.
Washington State has canceled the driver’s license of journalist Jose Antonio Vargas, who recently revealed that he is an illegal immigrant…
…well, that’ll teach him.
…which means he can’t drive back to the Philippines.
The number one movie last weekend was “Capt. America: First Avenger,” or as the White House refers to it, “Comrade America.”