Okay, since the powers that be can't handle my jokes at Newsbusted, here's the gems they passed over:
AOL bought The Huffington Post for $315 million…
…or about 314,999,999 dollars more than it’s worth.
…because the internet wasn’t liberal enough.
…which explains why my “You have mail” message now has a Greek accent.
…Apparently, Al Jazeera English was asking for too much.
…which means the bloggers won’t get paid by a bigger company now.
AOL bought The Huffington Post for $315 million…
…or about 314,999,999 dollars more than it’s worth.
…because the internet wasn’t liberal enough.
…which explains why my “You have mail” message now has a Greek accent.
…Apparently, Al Jazeera English was asking for too much.
…which means the bloggers won’t get paid by a bigger company now.
ABC News continues to quote Ron Reagan Jr.’s recent criticisms of Sarah Palin without reminding viewers of his liberal political views…
…I guess they’re hoping people think they’re quoting President Ronald Reagan.
…but with pretty much any criticism of Palin, that’s redundant.
The FCC is planning an upgrade to the national Emergency Alert System by including presidential announcements in the system…
…so we’ll know who to blame the emergency on.
…the tricky part? Hooking the president’s Teleprompter into the system.
President Obama told the Chamber of Commerce that, corporate profits have to be shared by American workers…
…taking the quote from “Socialism for Dummies.”
…which, coincidentally, is Cuba’s national motto.
…and this was after he said his administration would treat business better.
…forgetting that they are. They’re called “wages.”
President Obama told Bill O’Reilly that he’s not concerned about the Muslim Brotherhood in Egypt, because only certain strains of the Muslim Brotherhood are against the US. The really violence, well-armed strain.
A new Gallup poll shows that while Democrats approved of the job President Obama was doing by 81 percent only 13 percent of Republicans approved, a gap of 68 points, the biggest gap since the 1950s…
…so denial isn’t just a river of an ally we’re about to lose.
Keith Olbermann announced he will move to Al Gore’s Current TV cable channel...
…Well, that’s going to raise Current TV’s carbon footprint, hiring that gasbag.
…and you think it was easy finding a cable channel with fewer viewers than MSNBC?
…seems Al Jazeera English wasn’t hiring.
…too bad Dan Rather’s make-believe news channel wasn’t hiring.
…which fits in with his agreement not to appear on TV for at least six months after leaving MSNBC.
Dina Lohan, Lindsey’s mom, says she wants the TV show Glee to stop being “hurtful” and embarrassing her daughter…
…Because that’s her job.
…I know, if it weren’t for “Glee” Lindsay Lohan could hold her head up high.
During an interview with Barbara Walters, David Letterman told her that he is taking medication to fight Depression. No word on what his audience is taking.
Jonathan Gruber, the MIT economics whiz who developed Obamacare, plans to explain the complex and controversial plan to Americans in a comic book…
…reminding us that the medium is the message.
…maybe they should have passed the comic book instead.
…only there’s no super hero to rescue us at the end.
President Obama is calling for a six-year, $53 billion spending plan for high-speed rail...
…because he’s running out of things to increase the deficit with.
…instead of developing flying cars which is what we all really want.
The Obama administration stated that it wants Egyptian President Mubarak to step aside now---wait, this just in; the administration is saying that President Mubarak doesn’t have to resign just yet---wait, this just in; the administration says that Mubarak must resign now---oh, never mind, he’s out.
A new Gallup poll shows that forty-one percent believe the economy is getting better. That 41% is mostly bankruptcy lawyers and repo men.
Los Angeles Port Police seized more than $10 million in counterfeit iPods and iPhones…
…Sadly, they work better than my iPhone.
…Police became suspicious when people were actually able to make phone calls using them.
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, is reportedly angry that Swedish authorities leaked private information about him during his court battle to fight extradition to Sweden…
…not so much fun when the Leak is on the other Wiki.
…the court then added the charge of irony to his crimes.
Police say a man attending an illegal cock fight died after being stabbed in the leg by a sharp blade that had been attached to a fighting rooster…
…the bird was captured, roasted and pronounced “Delicious.”
…so the liberals are now introduction rooster control legislature.
…how embarrassing was that 911 call? Help me, help me, I’ve been stabbed by a chicken!
The Los Angeles District Attorney's office filed criminal charges against Lindsay Lohan for allegedly stealing a $2,500 necklace, meaning she could spend up to three years in jail…
…Really $2,500? She snorts more that that in her sleep.
…but it’s kind of like getting Al Capone on tax evasion, no?
A new poll shows that 68% of Americans disapprove of President Obama handling of the federal budget deficit. Really? Who’da thought that tripling the deficit would turn off so many people like that?
Planned disturbances by Arabs and leftists forced former U.S. President George W. Bush to cancel a speech to the United Israel Appeal in Switzerland due to concerns for his security. Protesters were planning to throw shoes at President Bush. The protest was planned by Al Quida and Tom McAnn.
House Republican Leader Eric Cantor told reporters that the House will be voting next week to block funding for Obamacare. So, Democrats, this is your last chance to back away from it.
Rep. Fred Upton of Michigan, the new chair of the House Energy and Commerce Committee, stated that climate change is not man-made. However, he re-stated his belief that joblessness is man-made. And this is the man. <pix of Obama>
After the announcement of the AOL-Huffington Post merger, Arianna Huffington said that AOL will not skew toward left-wing politics under her leadership…
…because it already does.
…then added she was going to end spam, clean out everyone’s cache and stop speaking with an accent.
…adding that the deficit was under control, the tea party movement peaked and her accent wasn’t all that thick.
In Seattle, authorities arrested a suspect in a convenience store robbery where the robber pulled a gun and asked for a favor, to empty the till, saying “I’m robbing you, sir.” I guess the liberals did start an age of civility.
Rep. Chris Lee resigned his seat in the U.S. House of Representatives just hours after it was reported that the married congressman sent shirtless photos of himself to a woman on Craigslist. Unfortunately for Lee, he was not a Democrat, because then not only could he have kept his job, he could have been nominated for president.
Charlie Sheen has offered to partially reimburse the crew of his hit CBS comedy series Two and a Half Men who have been sidelined while the actor is undergoing rehab. Unfortunately, he wants to pay them in coke and condoms.
Producers for “Two and a Half Men” have announced a replacement for Charlie Sheen while he is in rehab. The show has hired Lindsay Lohan.
John Gage, President of the American Federation of Government Employees, said that those who want to cut spending are “mentally retarded…”
…he has come under intense fire for use of the term—wait—oh, turns out he’s the head of a union so he gets a pass.
…when he meant to use the term “fiscally responsible.”
…no, actually, they’re quite mentally tarted.
The White House told reporters that the administration’s message on the turmoil in Egypt between President Mubarak and protesters has been consistent...
…Yes. Consistently confused.
…I guess we’ll have to wait to see the Wikileaks to find out for sure.
Speaking on the need for high-speed rail, Vice President Biden commented that, “If we don’t get a grip, folks, they’ll not only be teaching us, they’re gonna own our kids.” The Vice President then added that the piano dance is tasty and rubber makes a mighty fine dawn.
According to the New York Times, new cars will no longer come with a pre-installed cassette tape decks…
…which just sets the stage for my 8-track collection comeback.
…way to throw all the tape cassette people out of work, Detroit.
…so the tape cassette industry is demanding a bail-out.
A Russian report concluded that the Apophis Asteroid could hit Earth in 2036. Which may explain Congress’s budget plan; spending like there’s no 2037.
Citing decreased sales and higher licensing fees, game maker Activision says it's discontinuing the popular 'Guitar Hero' franchise…
…to replace it with a new “Banjo Hero.”
…but mostly because of complaints that players couldn’t kill anything with the guitar.
Well, Valentine’s Day came a little late for long-term Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak---
Is it me, or does the whole Egypt thing seem like a pyramid scheme?
It seems like the whole mess could have been avoided with simple term limits.
Last week, the Iranian regime celebrated the 32nd Anniversary of the overthrow of the Shah’s regime. Boy, I wish I had the American Flag burning concession for that.
After 18 days of pro-democracy demonstrations by hundreds of thousands, Egypt’s Hosni Mubarak resigned as president and handed control to the military…
…where he left for the Shah’s Home for Former Leaders.
…sure, just as President Obama came out and supported him.
The Obama administration plans to wind down bailed-out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac over the next five to seven years, which came as a surprise to those who didn’t know the bankrupted programs were still in business.
At the Conservative Political Action Conference, the GOP has embraced the Tea Party. Which they figure is better than being replaced by them.
After seven years as California’s governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger is returning to acting…
…unless you count the seven years as a RINO as acting.
…just as well. What else is can a former California governor movie star do?
In a “60 Minutes” interview, the 33 man trapped in a Chilean mine revealed that they were considering cannibalism at one point. But then, who doesn’t like eating at Chili’s?
