Here's the jokes Newsbusted didn't use due to excessive humor quotient.
Attorney General Eric Holder closed the Obscenity Prosecution Task Force…
…because they are overwhelmed. Everything the Obama Administration does is obscene.
…which is a special Justice Department unit set up during the Bush administration to fight the proliferation of obscene material on the Internet. Wait? They were fighting that?
Attorney General Eric Holder closed the Obscenity Prosecution Task Force…
…because they are overwhelmed. Everything the Obama Administration does is obscene.
…which is a special Justice Department unit set up during the Bush administration to fight the proliferation of obscene material on the Internet. Wait? They were fighting that?
The media is trying to paint a Republican party e-mail of President Obama's face super-imposed onto a chimp as racist. They’re not racist, just unoriginal...
Lakers star Kobe Bryant was caught live on camera calling the referee a “faggot” during a game after a bad call. Gay rights groups demanded an apology and Kobe had to go on the air to explain that he was calling the ref a “British cigarette.”
Testifying before a House committee, EPA Assistant Administrator Mathy Stanislaus admitted that the agency does not consider the toll its regulations take on job creation in its decisions to implement them…
…well, looks like the EPA just cost someone else a job.
…but did add that the unemployed do have a smaller carbon footprint then the employed, so it’s win-win.
Standard & Poor’s downgraded the outlook for the United States to negative, saying it believes U.S. policymakers may not reach agreement on how to address the country’s long-term fiscal pressures…
…so much for my savings bonds.
…so, Obama may now have been born in a Third World nation, but not he gets to live in one.
…and man, are the Chinese ticked off.
While Southern states reeled from a massive tornado outbreak that killed several dozen people, President Obama played his 64th round of golf as president. But you have to remember, if he plays 65, he gets a free round.
HBO just renewed its new show, Game of Thrones, after only the premiere episode aired…
…That’s like awarding President Obama the Noble Peace prize before he starts any more wars.
…Apparently the Noble Peace Prize committee asked them to.
An article in the Men's Journal claims that global warming is causing deadly grizzly bear attacks at Yellowstone National Park…
…because they needed something else to blame on Global warming.
…because you know how cranky everyone gets when it’s too hot.
…and the Men’s Journal went on to add that it causes men’s skin to get dry, too.
President Obama got into a video tussle with a Texas reporter after the reporter asked why the President is so unpopular in Texas. Not for the question, but for not having enough time to list all the reasons.
A group called “Muslims Against Crusades” has applied for permission to protest outside Westminster Abbey on the day of the royal wedding…
…talk about holding a grudge.
…”Muslims Against Crusades?” Are they still upset about that? That’s so 9th century.
A new video posted to YouTube claims to show a rotting alien corpse uncovered in the snow in Siberia. The two Russians who taped it were very surprised because they were looking for Bigfoot at the time.
The Obama Administration plans to sell its remaining shares in General Motors Co., which could result in a $11 billion loss…
…wait, this just in, Motor Trend Magazine has just named the Obama Administration “Administration of the Year.”
…great. So who’s going to bail us out?
Charles Manson broke a 20-year silence to give a jailhouse interview to Vanity Fair Spain Magazine and spoke out against global warming…
…just to get the convicted mass murder point of view.
…you know, when he talks about it, Global warming sounds kinda crazy.
…so you know he spend a lot of time thinking about it.
The Mayor of Florence, Italy wants "Jersey Shore" cast to follow certain rules while they are filming there, including “No filming in bars,” “No filming drinking in public,” and “No filming in historic places…”
…so the show will be done with flip books.
…so they are doing the show with puppets.
…I can’t wait for the episode where they sit in church.
…boy, the Mayor of Florence sure knows what makes for good TV.
…oh, why don’t they just deport them and be done with it.
And these Nigerian election results are just coming in; Christian candidate Goodluck Jonathan defeated Muhammadu Buhari 57 percent to 31 percent, but Buhari’s winning in the post-election body count, 153 to nothing.
Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas told reporters that President Obama promised the Palestinians a state by September…
…typical, giving away stuff that isn’t his.
…anything to get Helen Thomas out of town.
Responding to a newspaper editorial, the Mexican Ambassador wrote that the drug cartel leaders are businessmen not terrorist organizations…
…because they kill for profit and not dogma.
…well, their victims will be relieved.
In new state regulations for day camps, New York officials have decided that freeze tag, Wiffle Ball, kickball and dodgeball are dangerous and pose a “significant risk of injury…”
…Welcome to camp, kids, there’s your wad of wet paper. Have fun!
…and this is a state that elected Elliot Spitzer governor, so they know a thing or two about significant risk of injury.
…Welcome to Nerf Camp, kids!
…and boy, are the personal injury lawyers ticked about that.
The Washington Postreports that Obama administration officials repeatedly attempted to convince Standard & Poor's not to lower its outlook on U.S. credit…
…by promising to “bail them out” if you know what I mean.
…they didn’t have any good arguments against it but they wanted S&P not to do it anyway.
…another diplomatic victory for the Obama team.
…so now President Obama has declared a no-fly zone over Standard and Poor’s.
The CIA declassified six of the oldest secret documents in the U.S. government archives, showing how spies of World War I used invisible ink to send secret messages…
…at least that’s what they say the documents are about, because they’re written invisible ink.
…and I’m sure the New York Times was behind it.
Security researchers have learned that your iPhone and iPad are keeping a record of everywhere you go, storing the data and it can be accessed by anyone.
...Gee, my phone knows more about me than my mom.
…because your phone company cares that much about you.
…great, I finally get a stalker and it’s my phone.
The price of gold went above $1,500 an ounce for the first time ever…
…good news for Flavor Flav who can now retire on his dental work.
…so your bling just got a lot bling-ier.
Well another child was accidentally served alcohol at a chain family restaurant, when a waiter at Chili’s served a 4-year-old child a mudslide instead of a chocolate shake…
…although the waiter claims the child had ID.
…which explains why Applebee’s moved it’s Happy Hour to 11am.
…which is why Olive Garden changed its “Happy Hour” to “Nap time.”
…I didn’t know Lindsey Lohan had a 4 year old child.
An environmental group released its annual report detailing trash removal from New Jersey's 127-mile shore, which included 62,000 plastic lids, 43,000 food wrappers, 601 empty bottles of suntan lotion, 500 condoms, 4 television sets, beer kegs, a toilet seat lid…
…and dozens of script pages from “Jersey Shore.”
…and that was just by Snooki’s house.
Producers announced that Lindsay Lohan will not appear in the upcoming movie "Gotti: Three Generations" after negotiations broke down. It seems the Gotti family would be embarrassed by her involvement.
“Where’s the Birth Certificate?” a new book claiming to show that Barack Obama is not eligible to be president will be published in May….
…And you know they found something important because they went and wrote a book about it instead of giving the evidence to the FBI or Secret Service or someone.
…by the same people who published “Where’s Waldo’s Green Card?” and “Where in the World does Carmen San Diego Come From?”
To make it to his one-man show last week, Washington, D.C. police gave Charlie Sheen a police escort to the theater. Is it me or isn’t the theater the last place you expected the police to escort Sheen to?
Time magazine unveiled its annual Time 100 list of the most influential people in the world and ironically, the editors at Time Magazine were once again not on it.
Good Morning America's George Stephanopoulos foisted Barack Obama's certificate of live birth onto guest Michele Bachmann…
…apparently thinking she would turn to dust if she saw it.
…and weirdly, it wasn’t on GMA, he just walks around with it.
In a surprise move, half of the Wisconsin Senate recalled the other half.
Three large companies have dropped their advertisements on the liberal Wonkette blog after it ran a post bashing Sarah Palin and her song Trig. But fortunately she’s got plenty of ads from “Truck Nuts” and “Herbal Viagra.”
A liberal University of Iowa sex professor responded to a mass email from a campus Republican group by replying “F-YOU, REPUBLICANS…"
…obviously not an English professor.
…which just proves what a hot bed of diversity college is.
…someone’s bucking for valedictorian.
…Man, I remember when college professors knew bigger words.
Testifying before a House committee, EPA Assistant Administrator Mathy Stanislaus admitted that the agency does not consider the toll its regulations take on job creation in its decisions to implement them…
…well, looks like the EPA just cost someone else a job.
…but did add that the unemployed do have a smaller carbon footprint then the employed, so it’s win-win.
Standard & Poor’s downgraded the outlook for the United States to negative, saying it believes U.S. policymakers may not reach agreement on how to address the country’s long-term fiscal pressures…
…so much for my savings bonds.
…so, Obama may now have been born in a Third World nation, but not he gets to live in one.
…and man, are the Chinese ticked off.
While Southern states reeled from a massive tornado outbreak that killed several dozen people, President Obama played his 64th round of golf as president. But you have to remember, if he plays 65, he gets a free round.
HBO just renewed its new show, Game of Thrones, after only the premiere episode aired…
…That’s like awarding President Obama the Noble Peace prize before he starts any more wars.
…Apparently the Noble Peace Prize committee asked them to.
An article in the Men's Journal claims that global warming is causing deadly grizzly bear attacks at Yellowstone National Park…
…because they needed something else to blame on Global warming.
…because you know how cranky everyone gets when it’s too hot.
…and the Men’s Journal went on to add that it causes men’s skin to get dry, too.
President Obama got into a video tussle with a Texas reporter after the reporter asked why the President is so unpopular in Texas. Not for the question, but for not having enough time to list all the reasons.
A group called “Muslims Against Crusades” has applied for permission to protest outside Westminster Abbey on the day of the royal wedding…
…talk about holding a grudge.
…”Muslims Against Crusades?” Are they still upset about that? That’s so 9th century.
A new video posted to YouTube claims to show a rotting alien corpse uncovered in the snow in Siberia. The two Russians who taped it were very surprised because they were looking for Bigfoot at the time.
The Obama Administration plans to sell its remaining shares in General Motors Co., which could result in a $11 billion loss…
…wait, this just in, Motor Trend Magazine has just named the Obama Administration “Administration of the Year.”
…great. So who’s going to bail us out?
Charles Manson broke a 20-year silence to give a jailhouse interview to Vanity Fair Spain Magazine and spoke out against global warming…
…just to get the convicted mass murder point of view.
…you know, when he talks about it, Global warming sounds kinda crazy.
…so you know he spend a lot of time thinking about it.
The Mayor of Florence, Italy wants "Jersey Shore" cast to follow certain rules while they are filming there, including “No filming in bars,” “No filming drinking in public,” and “No filming in historic places…”
…so the show will be done with flip books.
…so they are doing the show with puppets.
…I can’t wait for the episode where they sit in church.
…boy, the Mayor of Florence sure knows what makes for good TV.
…oh, why don’t they just deport them and be done with it.
And these Nigerian election results are just coming in; Christian candidate Goodluck Jonathan defeated Muhammadu Buhari 57 percent to 31 percent, but Buhari’s winning in the post-election body count, 153 to nothing.
Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas told reporters that President Obama promised the Palestinians a state by September…
…typical, giving away stuff that isn’t his.
…anything to get Helen Thomas out of town.
Responding to a newspaper editorial, the Mexican Ambassador wrote that the drug cartel leaders are businessmen not terrorist organizations…
…because they kill for profit and not dogma.
…well, their victims will be relieved.
In new state regulations for day camps, New York officials have decided that freeze tag, Wiffle Ball, kickball and dodgeball are dangerous and pose a “significant risk of injury…”
…Welcome to camp, kids, there’s your wad of wet paper. Have fun!
…and this is a state that elected Elliot Spitzer governor, so they know a thing or two about significant risk of injury.
…Welcome to Nerf Camp, kids!
…and boy, are the personal injury lawyers ticked about that.
The Washington Postreports that Obama administration officials repeatedly attempted to convince Standard & Poor's not to lower its outlook on U.S. credit…
…by promising to “bail them out” if you know what I mean.
…they didn’t have any good arguments against it but they wanted S&P not to do it anyway.
…another diplomatic victory for the Obama team.
…so now President Obama has declared a no-fly zone over Standard and Poor’s.
The CIA declassified six of the oldest secret documents in the U.S. government archives, showing how spies of World War I used invisible ink to send secret messages…
…at least that’s what they say the documents are about, because they’re written invisible ink.
…and I’m sure the New York Times was behind it.
Security researchers have learned that your iPhone and iPad are keeping a record of everywhere you go, storing the data and it can be accessed by anyone.
...Gee, my phone knows more about me than my mom.
…because your phone company cares that much about you.
…great, I finally get a stalker and it’s my phone.
The price of gold went above $1,500 an ounce for the first time ever…
…good news for Flavor Flav who can now retire on his dental work.
…so your bling just got a lot bling-ier.
Well another child was accidentally served alcohol at a chain family restaurant, when a waiter at Chili’s served a 4-year-old child a mudslide instead of a chocolate shake…
…although the waiter claims the child had ID.
…which explains why Applebee’s moved it’s Happy Hour to 11am.
…which is why Olive Garden changed its “Happy Hour” to “Nap time.”
…I didn’t know Lindsey Lohan had a 4 year old child.
An environmental group released its annual report detailing trash removal from New Jersey's 127-mile shore, which included 62,000 plastic lids, 43,000 food wrappers, 601 empty bottles of suntan lotion, 500 condoms, 4 television sets, beer kegs, a toilet seat lid…
…and dozens of script pages from “Jersey Shore.”
…and that was just by Snooki’s house.
Producers announced that Lindsay Lohan will not appear in the upcoming movie "Gotti: Three Generations" after negotiations broke down. It seems the Gotti family would be embarrassed by her involvement.
“Where’s the Birth Certificate?” a new book claiming to show that Barack Obama is not eligible to be president will be published in May….
…And you know they found something important because they went and wrote a book about it instead of giving the evidence to the FBI or Secret Service or someone.
…by the same people who published “Where’s Waldo’s Green Card?” and “Where in the World does Carmen San Diego Come From?”
To make it to his one-man show last week, Washington, D.C. police gave Charlie Sheen a police escort to the theater. Is it me or isn’t the theater the last place you expected the police to escort Sheen to?
Time magazine unveiled its annual Time 100 list of the most influential people in the world and ironically, the editors at Time Magazine were once again not on it.
Good Morning America's George Stephanopoulos foisted Barack Obama's certificate of live birth onto guest Michele Bachmann…
…apparently thinking she would turn to dust if she saw it.
…and weirdly, it wasn’t on GMA, he just walks around with it.
In a surprise move, half of the Wisconsin Senate recalled the other half.
Three large companies have dropped their advertisements on the liberal Wonkette blog after it ran a post bashing Sarah Palin and her song Trig. But fortunately she’s got plenty of ads from “Truck Nuts” and “Herbal Viagra.”
A liberal University of Iowa sex professor responded to a mass email from a campus Republican group by replying “F-YOU, REPUBLICANS…"
…obviously not an English professor.
…which just proves what a hot bed of diversity college is.
…someone’s bucking for valedictorian.
…Man, I remember when college professors knew bigger words.
