The jokes Newsbusted chose not to use this week:
Former Libyan Foreign Minister Ali Abdussalam Treki, who was due to be Libya's new UN ambassador, has now defected. Sorry STAR TREK fans, Ali Abdussiam Trekker.
President Obama formally launched his re-election campaign last week. And promptly scuttled by attending a fund raiser for Al Sharpton.
Bobby Titcomb, a childhood friend of President Obama, was arrested in Honolulu in a prostitution sting by Honolulu police…
…in case you wanted to know who the President would be pardoning this year.
…A childhood friend? Bobby Titcomb doesn’t look Kenyan.
…It’s not really a big deal. I just like saying Titcomb.
…also for having a silly last name.
Well, the government has shut down. Unfortunately, the mainstream media is still open.
President Obama told a concerned citizen who was worried about rising gas prices, that he may want to think about a trade-in. So, what do we have to do to get you in a new president today?
A Democratic Florida Congresswoman complained that the Republican budget plan would cut back Medicare and make it a “death trap” for seniors which is somehow worse than the Democratic death panels.
House Majority Leader Eric Cantor promised that they will not leave Washington until they cut spending and get our fiscal house in order…
…Fiscally responsible and willing to work hard? No wonder Senator Schumer called them extreme.
…Unfortunately, President Obama didn’t hear the speech. He had left for a vacation.
Colonel Gaddafi sent a letter to President Obama asking him to stop the bombings. Gaddafi also wished Obama good luck in the elections…
…I guess he figured he’d do it now, in case he’s not around in 2012.
…what a suck-up.
…why do I get the feeling that of the two, Gaddafi will still have a job in 2012?
Senate Democrats defeated a Republican effort to ban the Environmental Protection Agency from controlling the gases blamed for global warming…
…they also blocked cuts to the Federal Unicorn Adoption Program, the Elf Relocation Agency and the Bureau of Troll Affairs.
President Obama visited the Gamesa wind turbine factory in Pennsylvania and told his audience that this is the future of American energy. By which he means it’s bailed out by the federal government and foreign-owned.
A new report on the wind farms in England show that the average power output of wind turbines across Scotland is well below the rates often claimed by industry and government…
…officials here say the report doesn’t apply to the US, because we have so many more windbags in DC.
…but what they lack in turbine power, they make up for in esthetic beauty.
Glenn Beck will end his daily Fox News Channel program later this year. Oddly, there are more people at MSNBC taking credit for Beck’s departure than there are people watching MSNBC.
The latest Rasmussen survey finds that the Tea Party is twice as popular as Congress…
…of course, oil sludge is twice as popular as Congress.
…Heck, I’m twice as popular as Congress.
According to reports Oprah Winfrey will not be publicly supporting Barack Obama for president in 2012…
…Which gets filed under “Won’t get fooled again.”
…Fine. I wanted the new car, anyway.
A gunman opened fire at an elementary school in Rio de Janeiro and at 13 people were killed, including the shooter...
…we are still awaiting the media’s spin to blame the NRA for it.
…which has the US mainstream media asking, “Does Brazil have an NRA that we can blame?”
A 75-year-old Georgian woman is facing jail time after she accidentally sliced through an underground cable and caused all Internet services in neighboring Armenia to crash…
…of course, all internet service in Armenia consists of AOL; Armenia On Line.
…which Armenia didn’t notice for several days and blamed on Time Warner.
…which is giving President Obama ideas how he’s going to work his internet kill-switch.
"30 Rock" stars Tina Fey and Jane Krakowski are both pregnant. So, I guess it’s on you, Alec Baldwin.
Some iPhone 4 users are reporting that their Apple smartphones are taking pictures of them without their knowledge, then displaying these photos during FaceTime calls…
…maybe the Amish have the right idea.
…and apparently will keep doing it until it catches you naked.
"Good Morning America" reported on the latest cosmetic surgery craze: elfin ears…
…for geeks who are really committed to their role-playing life-style.
…for those geeks who have money burning a hole in their pocket.
…and it’s covered under Tolkin-care.
A NATO air strike in Libya slammed into a rebel combat convoy, killing at least five fighters and angering the anti-government forces. But it was Obama just trying to be bipartisan.
The entire "Jersey Shore" cast is on board for Season 4 to begin shooting in May. Imagine that, none of them had any other job commitments.
"The Real Housewives of D.C." was cancelled, making it the first "Housewives" franchise not to be renewed for a 2nd season. But not the last, eh Mr. Obama?
Last week, Madame Tussauds unveiled the wax figure of Kelly Ripa. The life-size figure was made out of 7 used birthday candles.
Disney announced that it is building its first theme park in mainland China. We hope all the Chinese kids can get off from work long enough to enjoy it.
While the TV networks have said little about President Obama’s flip-flop on closing Guantanamo, liberal talk radio show hosts are expressing their anger. But they better be careful because, you know, Gitmo’s still open.
Well, with Congress failing to extend the government’s credit ceiling, the government shut down. Yet, NPR, PBS and Planned Parenthood are all up and running.
Fox News is reporting that Iran has a new facility to secretly produce components for the country’s renegade nuclear program…
…but fortunately, Iran’s government shut down, so it stopped.
…Wow, if we can’t trust the Iranians, who can we trust?
A Pakistani man arrested in Massachusetts during the investigation into the failed Times Square bombing is willing to admit he lied to federal agents and be deported under a plea deal. And will be back to planning the jihad shortly there after.
A cologne company has released Bay-cone, the world’s first cologne/perfume that smells like bacon…
…for people who want to smell like a short-order cook without actually being one.
…for people who just want to smell like they have high cholesterol.
…and just in time for Easter, they also introduced their baked-ham aftershave.
…It comes in regular and Canadian.
According to U.S. census data, white children will be a minority by 2019. So, you’re safe, Snookie.
President Obama formally launched his re-election campaign last week. And promptly scuttled by attending a fund raiser for Al Sharpton.
Bobby Titcomb, a childhood friend of President Obama, was arrested in Honolulu in a prostitution sting by Honolulu police…
…in case you wanted to know who the President would be pardoning this year.
…A childhood friend? Bobby Titcomb doesn’t look Kenyan.
…It’s not really a big deal. I just like saying Titcomb.
…also for having a silly last name.
Well, the government has shut down. Unfortunately, the mainstream media is still open.
President Obama told a concerned citizen who was worried about rising gas prices, that he may want to think about a trade-in. So, what do we have to do to get you in a new president today?
A Democratic Florida Congresswoman complained that the Republican budget plan would cut back Medicare and make it a “death trap” for seniors which is somehow worse than the Democratic death panels.
House Majority Leader Eric Cantor promised that they will not leave Washington until they cut spending and get our fiscal house in order…
…Fiscally responsible and willing to work hard? No wonder Senator Schumer called them extreme.
…Unfortunately, President Obama didn’t hear the speech. He had left for a vacation.
Colonel Gaddafi sent a letter to President Obama asking him to stop the bombings. Gaddafi also wished Obama good luck in the elections…
…I guess he figured he’d do it now, in case he’s not around in 2012.
…what a suck-up.
…why do I get the feeling that of the two, Gaddafi will still have a job in 2012?
Senate Democrats defeated a Republican effort to ban the Environmental Protection Agency from controlling the gases blamed for global warming…
…they also blocked cuts to the Federal Unicorn Adoption Program, the Elf Relocation Agency and the Bureau of Troll Affairs.
President Obama visited the Gamesa wind turbine factory in Pennsylvania and told his audience that this is the future of American energy. By which he means it’s bailed out by the federal government and foreign-owned.
A new report on the wind farms in England show that the average power output of wind turbines across Scotland is well below the rates often claimed by industry and government…
…officials here say the report doesn’t apply to the US, because we have so many more windbags in DC.
…but what they lack in turbine power, they make up for in esthetic beauty.
Glenn Beck will end his daily Fox News Channel program later this year. Oddly, there are more people at MSNBC taking credit for Beck’s departure than there are people watching MSNBC.
The latest Rasmussen survey finds that the Tea Party is twice as popular as Congress…
…of course, oil sludge is twice as popular as Congress.
…Heck, I’m twice as popular as Congress.
According to reports Oprah Winfrey will not be publicly supporting Barack Obama for president in 2012…
…Which gets filed under “Won’t get fooled again.”
…Fine. I wanted the new car, anyway.
A gunman opened fire at an elementary school in Rio de Janeiro and at 13 people were killed, including the shooter...
…we are still awaiting the media’s spin to blame the NRA for it.
…which has the US mainstream media asking, “Does Brazil have an NRA that we can blame?”
A 75-year-old Georgian woman is facing jail time after she accidentally sliced through an underground cable and caused all Internet services in neighboring Armenia to crash…
…of course, all internet service in Armenia consists of AOL; Armenia On Line.
…which Armenia didn’t notice for several days and blamed on Time Warner.
…which is giving President Obama ideas how he’s going to work his internet kill-switch.
"30 Rock" stars Tina Fey and Jane Krakowski are both pregnant. So, I guess it’s on you, Alec Baldwin.
Some iPhone 4 users are reporting that their Apple smartphones are taking pictures of them without their knowledge, then displaying these photos during FaceTime calls…
…maybe the Amish have the right idea.
…and apparently will keep doing it until it catches you naked.
"Good Morning America" reported on the latest cosmetic surgery craze: elfin ears…
…for geeks who are really committed to their role-playing life-style.
…for those geeks who have money burning a hole in their pocket.
…and it’s covered under Tolkin-care.
A NATO air strike in Libya slammed into a rebel combat convoy, killing at least five fighters and angering the anti-government forces. But it was Obama just trying to be bipartisan.
The entire "Jersey Shore" cast is on board for Season 4 to begin shooting in May. Imagine that, none of them had any other job commitments.
"The Real Housewives of D.C." was cancelled, making it the first "Housewives" franchise not to be renewed for a 2nd season. But not the last, eh Mr. Obama?
Last week, Madame Tussauds unveiled the wax figure of Kelly Ripa. The life-size figure was made out of 7 used birthday candles.
Disney announced that it is building its first theme park in mainland China. We hope all the Chinese kids can get off from work long enough to enjoy it.
While the TV networks have said little about President Obama’s flip-flop on closing Guantanamo, liberal talk radio show hosts are expressing their anger. But they better be careful because, you know, Gitmo’s still open.
Well, with Congress failing to extend the government’s credit ceiling, the government shut down. Yet, NPR, PBS and Planned Parenthood are all up and running.
Fox News is reporting that Iran has a new facility to secretly produce components for the country’s renegade nuclear program…
…but fortunately, Iran’s government shut down, so it stopped.
…Wow, if we can’t trust the Iranians, who can we trust?
A Pakistani man arrested in Massachusetts during the investigation into the failed Times Square bombing is willing to admit he lied to federal agents and be deported under a plea deal. And will be back to planning the jihad shortly there after.
A cologne company has released Bay-cone, the world’s first cologne/perfume that smells like bacon…
…for people who want to smell like a short-order cook without actually being one.
…for people who just want to smell like they have high cholesterol.
…and just in time for Easter, they also introduced their baked-ham aftershave.
…It comes in regular and Canadian.
According to U.S. census data, white children will be a minority by 2019. So, you’re safe, Snookie.
