...which the White House has ordered for its speech writers.
…oh, good, now the Obama administration has something appropriate to write its policies on.
The New York Times reports that last week the White House scheduled President Obama's speech on Libya at 7:30 so it wouldn’t interrupt ABC's "Dancing With the Stars," which airs live. So, basically, it was “Screw You, Wheel Watchers.”
Under sweeping new regulations from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, the government created a new definition of “disability” under the Americans with Disabilities Act, including people with diabetes, epilepsy, or bipolar disorder. So there go the rest of the good parking spaces.
Alain Robert, the man known as the "French Spider-Man," climbed the 2,717-foot-tall Burj Khalifa in Dubai, which is currently the tallest building in the world. Meanwhile, I start whining when the escalator at the mall is out of order and I have to use the stairs.
More than 40 governments and international organizations are meeting in London to map out Libya's future and attempt to figure out where Moammar Gadhafi could go into exile. Apparently, they are going to play music and the last one left standing gets him.
Qatar University engineers say they will construct a giant artificial cloud to provide shade over the desert nation's stadiums for the 2022 World Cup, an idea lifted out of "The Simpsons.” Well, at least they didn’t try to copy any ideas from Wile E. Coyote.
Researchers claimed that women turn into their mothers at age 32, taking on their mom's particular habits, phrases and behaviors. Expect for Rachael Maddow, who turned into her father.
Rep. Anthony Weiner, who has often complained about UN diplomats who don’t pay their parking tickets in Manhattan, has more than $2,000 in unpaid parking tickets in Washington D.C. But Weiner claims he had received a parking waiver from the Obama Administration.
After releasing his own birth certificate to set an example, Donald Trump learned that it wasn’t his official birth certificate. The tip-off was that under “baby’s name” it said “The Donald.”
On the TODAY show, Matt Lauer attempted to make the argument that Obama's strategy of bombing Libya was a good way to show support for the rebels which include al Qaeda members and get on their good side. Sure, maybe we can go from being The Evil Satan to just being AN Evil Satan.
UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon told Israel that it must revert back to its 1967 borders and called for the division of Jerusalem…
…because apparently Arab rockets still can’t reach Tel Aviv.
…and said that if they could stop existing, that would be a big help, too.
…as part of a plan to get Israel back to its 1947 borders.
While NATO is reporting that there were “flickers” of Al-Qaeda in the Libyan rebels ranks, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said that the US is arming the rebels.
…I’m sure that won’t come back to bite us.
…it’s like trying to find someone to root for in “King Kong Vs. Godzilla.”
…how screwed up are things when Quadffi starts looking like the good guy here?
The NATO Supreme Allied Commander in Europe told a committee that there were “flickers” of Al-Qaeda in the Libyan rebels ranks…
…so I wouldn’t count on them welcoming us as liberators either.
…along with a smidgen of jihadists, a speck of anti-Semites and a sprinkling of nuts.
A group of extremist Muslims have threatened to disrupt the royal wedding of Prince William…
…Scotland Yard is now studying the RSVP they sent for clues.
…no word on what they were planning for the bachelor party.
…talk about your wedding crashers.
Last week Iran unveiled the first diesel-engine locomotive, produced by the country’s experts...
…just another step forward out of the 12th century.
…which now gives them the capacity to create a train-bomb.
…which now gives them the capacity to enter the 20th century.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez was given a prize by an Argentine journalism school or his contribution to "popular communication…
…Chavez said he would hang the plaque on the same wall where he hangs the heads of many Argentine journalists.
…but you have to remember, he eliminated most of the competition.
…runner-up was Joe Biden, who only locked a journalist in a closet for an hour.
A controversial new biography of Mahatma Gandhi is out which states that he was a racist bisexual who left his wife for a male Jewish bodybuilder. Next we’ll find out he murdered a cow once just to watch him die.
NBC is asking actors on their new series, "The Playboy Club," to sign a nudity clause. They say they want to shoot nude scenes for syndication or on DVD releases…
…but we know that NBC will try anything to get people to watch.
…but they’re really just waiting for the Parent’s Council to stop paying attention.
…which is weirdly still in effect even after the show gets cancelled.
Filming on Judge Judy had to stop when star Judy Sheindlin had to be rushed to the hospital for intestinal discomfort. Doctors say she’s fine and just had her fill of the losers who come into her court.
Since the New York Times reported that the country's most profitable business, GE, paid no taxes the story has been reported in every media outlet, except NBC News, which is owned by GE. Although NBC executives did promise to make it part of the plot for one of the “Law and Order” shows.
After Hillary Clinton said Syrian tyrant Bashar Assad was a “reformer,” she then told reporters that when she’s interviewed she’s not speaking either for herself or for the administration, she was just making “chit-chat.”
NBC News reports that that one in five Libyan rebels was fighting Gadhafi because he believes the leader is Jewish…
…boy, I hope Gadhafi has a birth certificate.
A woman is suing the Transportation Security Administration claiming they fired her for being a witch…
…after she was assigned to watch all passengers arriving and departing the airport by broom.
…after a co-worker reported her for putting a hex on her car. They fire the witch, but keep the lady who thinks there’s a hex on her car.
An Ohio town has decided to change the name of their local Easter egg hunt to “The Spring Egg Hunt…”
…starting now to beat the War on Christmas rush.
…Then why are they even looking for Easter eggs there?
…because who doesn’t love finding Spring Eggs?
…and are now calling the Easter Bunny “Sid.”
The latest presidential poll was released showing that only 42% approve of President Obama but none of the three major broadcast networks mentioned it. That’s because 100% of ABC, CBS and NBC approve of the job Obama is doing.
Ten foreign UN workers were killed in an attack on the UN headquarters in Afghanistan by demonstrators protesting the burning of the Koran by a US pastor…
…what? They couldn’t write a letter to the editor?
…I suppose just burning a copy of the Bible was too mundane for them.
…which is allowed under the “Surah of Overreacting.”
According to the Labor Department, the unemployment rate declined to 8.8 percent, with the economy gaining jobs in March…
…with the largest growth in the field of people complaining about Obama.
…it only took the Obama Administration 2 years to reduce the unemployment rate from terrible to merely awful.
…the biggest jump in employment was for apologists for President Obama.
Al Qaeda has declared Yemen’s Abyan province an “Islamic Emirate” and banned women from going outsidebecause the first thing you do after a fight for freedom do to make sure your women have no rights.
A Wisconsin teacher was charged with emailing death threats to state Republican lawmakers during the state’s budget and union battle…
…With two felony counts and two misdemeanor counts, she could be sentence to 3-7 years of eraser clapping.
…well, I guess that’ll teach her a lesson.
…but under Union rules, she’ll still have a job and pension.
Fast-food pizza chain Sbarro Inc filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Who thought they’d run out of dough?
Rutgers University paid Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi from "Jersey Shore" $32,000 to talk about her gym, tanning, and laundry lifestyle…
…they did, however, pay her in tequilla.
…to counteract all that learning they are doing.
Animal rights group PETA is demanding that San Francisco’s Mayor to change the name of the city’s famous Tenderloin District…
…but then, I probably didn’t have to mention that it was San Francisco.
…also, Gay rights groups want to change the name of the meat-packing district.
…because PETA has just that much time on its hands.
…next PETA is going after Liverpool.