Here are the jokes that Newsbusted didn't use. Apparently, they're getting away from that whole "funny" type of joke telling...
In an effort to appease the protesters in Libya, Colonel Kaddafi has offered to have himself demoted to Sergeant Kaddafi.
Rahm Emanuel was elected mayor of Chicago…
…We expect mass rallies of protest at any moment.
…Thanks to the cries of both “Get out the vote” and “Bring out your dead.”
…and then proceeded to tell Chicago it could go <Bleep> itself.
In Wisconsin, 14 Senate Democrats went into hiding in Illinois to stall a vote on an anti-union bill, and stayed away until Republican Gov. Scott Walker agreed to compromise…
…the trick was to keep them out of the state long enough to miss their Election Day.
…if it were only that easy to get all Democrats to flee.
In a major policy reversal, the Obama administration said it will no longer defend the constitutionality of a federal law banning recognition of same-sex marriage…
…I guess he figured out a way to tax them.
…since they don’t spent that much time defending the Constitution itself.
According to a new release by WikiLeaks, Libyan leader Moamar Gadhafi turned down a chance to invest with Bernie Madoff…
…proving the guy may be crazy, but he’s not stupid.
…as if Gadhafi didn’t have enough problems.
…good thing, because he’s going to need those retirement funds real soon.
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has signed into law a ban on smoking in city parks, beaches, public plazas and boardwalks…
…but you can still pee on the sidewalks.
…because Bloomberg is never too busy to tell everyone how to live.
Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker’s proposed bill which would end collective bargaining rights for Wisconsin public workers has thousands of union workers protesting in the state capital. Good thing they have all those days off.
A Phoenix jury convicted Faleh Hassan Almaleki, an Iraqi immigrant, for the "honor killing" of his daughter because he believed his daughter had become too Westernized. In a related story, the man was just voted Iraq’s Father of the Year.
Guinness World Records officially recognized Sex.com as the "most expensive internet address domain name”, after it was sold for $13 million…"
…just beating out “Pizza.com.”
…which means my domain, “sexsexsex.com” must be worth 3 times as much.
…but it logs you off only after a couple of minutes.
…not surprisingly, the site “Foreplay.com” only brought in a buck eighty.
With reports that the Libyan air force has been firing on demonstrators, the UN is proposing a No-Fly Zone over Libya. Next then they hope to propose a No Flies Zone for Taco Bell.
A Massachusetts man drove off a bridge and into the Danvers River because he was distracted while texting. Police were able to locate him because his last text read “Hey, I’m driving into the Danvers River!”
The Arab League Foreign Ministers are now set to discuss Libya on March 2. Provided Libya’s still there. And the Arab League Foreign Ministers are still around.
It’s being reported that Apple will unveil the iPad 2 March 2nd…
…Unless they finish the iPad 3 before then.
…they also hope to unveil the new version of Steve Jobs.
Lifetime is airing an original movie, “William & Kate,” about the romance between Prince William and Kate Middleton 11 days before the William and Kate's royal wedding. It’s then following it up with “The Divorce of William and Kate” sometime in May.
And in Hollywood, the 13th annual Costume Designers Guild Awards were held last week. Once again, porn movies got shut out.
The Obama Administration had been slow to evacuate Americans from Libya during the unrest there. But the Administration claims it hasn’t been slow, it’s just that none of the Americans are really in a rush to get back to America.
Recently on “Good Morning America,” news anchor Juju Chang stated that with the instability in the Middle East, that oil prices have been pushed above "$100 per gallon." Of course she meant “per barrel.” But give it time, Juju, give it time.
A Saudi student was arrested for allegedly buying chemicals and equipment to make a bomb and researching US targets, including the Dallas home of former President George W. Bush…
…he came to the US with a student visa. What tipped off officials was that he stated he was majoring in “Jihad.”
…Or as the main-stream media is referring to it, an “extra credit assignment.”
As the violence in Libya continues, the White House has stated that President Obama is about to issue a stern finger wag at Col. Kaddafi.
There has been a lot of backlash over the delay of President Obama speaking out about the violence in Libya. Although the White House says it did send a stern message to Col. Kaddaffi but since no one really knows how to spell his name, it was never delivered.
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who is the Senator from Nevada, said the time has come for his state to outlaw prostitution…
…wow, the Democrats aren’t happy until they put everyone out of work.
…because under Reid, nobody gets to have any fun.
…and that isn’t restraint of trade?
A Goldman Sachs economist warned that the $60 billion package of spending cuts proposed by the Republicans to counter President Obama's proposal could slow economic growth…
…but mostly their ticked that there aren’t anymore Wall Street bailouts.
…oh, now, suddenly, we’re going to take Goldman’s word about economics?
Playboy founder Hugh Hefner and his fiancée Crystal Harris have set their wedding date and will be marrying on June 18 at the Playboy Mansion…
…unless she comes to her senses.
…so now it’s simply a race against the clock.
…at around 4pm, so they get the early bird special.
After refusing to bomb a crowd of protesters, two Libyan air force pilots landed their jets in Malta and are now seeking political asylum and a book deal.
A pair of TSA screeners were caught stealing $39,000 from a passenger's bag and have since admitted to thefts totaling at least $160,000…
…which they claimed was terrorist drug money.
…apparently groping passengers and looking at naked x-rays of them wasn’t perk enough for the job.
Urban flight over the past 10 years has left Chicago with its lowest population since the 1920 census but I’m sure the election Rahm Emanuel as mayor will fix everything.
A London ice cream shop is now selling ice cream made out of breast milk …
…all orders are double scoops.
…so, I guess that makes me a franchise.
…they wanted to call it Dairy Queen, but it was already taken.
…cows have begun picketing the shop.
Welcome the Newsbusted, the one show that can’t be shut down by Charlie Sheen’s behavior.
And Hollywood insiders are now saying Charlie Sheen has been hired as a new cast member on “Deadliest Catch.” So, good luck, Charlie.
Rahm Emanuel was elected mayor of Chicago…
…We expect mass rallies of protest at any moment.
…Thanks to the cries of both “Get out the vote” and “Bring out your dead.”
…and then proceeded to tell Chicago it could go <Bleep> itself.
In Wisconsin, 14 Senate Democrats went into hiding in Illinois to stall a vote on an anti-union bill, and stayed away until Republican Gov. Scott Walker agreed to compromise…
…the trick was to keep them out of the state long enough to miss their Election Day.
…if it were only that easy to get all Democrats to flee.
In a major policy reversal, the Obama administration said it will no longer defend the constitutionality of a federal law banning recognition of same-sex marriage…
…I guess he figured out a way to tax them.
…since they don’t spent that much time defending the Constitution itself.
According to a new release by WikiLeaks, Libyan leader Moamar Gadhafi turned down a chance to invest with Bernie Madoff…
…proving the guy may be crazy, but he’s not stupid.
…as if Gadhafi didn’t have enough problems.
…good thing, because he’s going to need those retirement funds real soon.
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has signed into law a ban on smoking in city parks, beaches, public plazas and boardwalks…
…but you can still pee on the sidewalks.
…because Bloomberg is never too busy to tell everyone how to live.
Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker’s proposed bill which would end collective bargaining rights for Wisconsin public workers has thousands of union workers protesting in the state capital. Good thing they have all those days off.
A Phoenix jury convicted Faleh Hassan Almaleki, an Iraqi immigrant, for the "honor killing" of his daughter because he believed his daughter had become too Westernized. In a related story, the man was just voted Iraq’s Father of the Year.
Guinness World Records officially recognized Sex.com as the "most expensive internet address domain name”, after it was sold for $13 million…"
…just beating out “Pizza.com.”
…which means my domain, “sexsexsex.com” must be worth 3 times as much.
…but it logs you off only after a couple of minutes.
…not surprisingly, the site “Foreplay.com” only brought in a buck eighty.
With reports that the Libyan air force has been firing on demonstrators, the UN is proposing a No-Fly Zone over Libya. Next then they hope to propose a No Flies Zone for Taco Bell.
A Massachusetts man drove off a bridge and into the Danvers River because he was distracted while texting. Police were able to locate him because his last text read “Hey, I’m driving into the Danvers River!”
The Arab League Foreign Ministers are now set to discuss Libya on March 2. Provided Libya’s still there. And the Arab League Foreign Ministers are still around.
It’s being reported that Apple will unveil the iPad 2 March 2nd…
…Unless they finish the iPad 3 before then.
…they also hope to unveil the new version of Steve Jobs.
Lifetime is airing an original movie, “William & Kate,” about the romance between Prince William and Kate Middleton 11 days before the William and Kate's royal wedding. It’s then following it up with “The Divorce of William and Kate” sometime in May.
And in Hollywood, the 13th annual Costume Designers Guild Awards were held last week. Once again, porn movies got shut out.
The Obama Administration had been slow to evacuate Americans from Libya during the unrest there. But the Administration claims it hasn’t been slow, it’s just that none of the Americans are really in a rush to get back to America.
Recently on “Good Morning America,” news anchor Juju Chang stated that with the instability in the Middle East, that oil prices have been pushed above "$100 per gallon." Of course she meant “per barrel.” But give it time, Juju, give it time.
A Saudi student was arrested for allegedly buying chemicals and equipment to make a bomb and researching US targets, including the Dallas home of former President George W. Bush…
…he came to the US with a student visa. What tipped off officials was that he stated he was majoring in “Jihad.”
…Or as the main-stream media is referring to it, an “extra credit assignment.”
As the violence in Libya continues, the White House has stated that President Obama is about to issue a stern finger wag at Col. Kaddafi.
There has been a lot of backlash over the delay of President Obama speaking out about the violence in Libya. Although the White House says it did send a stern message to Col. Kaddaffi but since no one really knows how to spell his name, it was never delivered.
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who is the Senator from Nevada, said the time has come for his state to outlaw prostitution…
…wow, the Democrats aren’t happy until they put everyone out of work.
…because under Reid, nobody gets to have any fun.
…and that isn’t restraint of trade?
A Goldman Sachs economist warned that the $60 billion package of spending cuts proposed by the Republicans to counter President Obama's proposal could slow economic growth…
…but mostly their ticked that there aren’t anymore Wall Street bailouts.
…oh, now, suddenly, we’re going to take Goldman’s word about economics?
Playboy founder Hugh Hefner and his fiancée Crystal Harris have set their wedding date and will be marrying on June 18 at the Playboy Mansion…
…unless she comes to her senses.
…so now it’s simply a race against the clock.
…at around 4pm, so they get the early bird special.
After refusing to bomb a crowd of protesters, two Libyan air force pilots landed their jets in Malta and are now seeking political asylum and a book deal.
A pair of TSA screeners were caught stealing $39,000 from a passenger's bag and have since admitted to thefts totaling at least $160,000…
…which they claimed was terrorist drug money.
…apparently groping passengers and looking at naked x-rays of them wasn’t perk enough for the job.
Urban flight over the past 10 years has left Chicago with its lowest population since the 1920 census but I’m sure the election Rahm Emanuel as mayor will fix everything.
A London ice cream shop is now selling ice cream made out of breast milk …
…all orders are double scoops.
…so, I guess that makes me a franchise.
…they wanted to call it Dairy Queen, but it was already taken.
…cows have begun picketing the shop.
Welcome the Newsbusted, the one show that can’t be shut down by Charlie Sheen’s behavior.
And Hollywood insiders are now saying Charlie Sheen has been hired as a new cast member on “Deadliest Catch.” So, good luck, Charlie.
