In March 2016, a new comedy website launched, featuring short online articles. It was The Morning Kvetch. Alas, there was no traction and the site no longer exists. So, I'm going to drag out the bits I wrote for them and post them here from time to time. So, let us present:
It Doesn’t Take a Village to Raise a Pet
I see a lot of internet chatter and pet store commercials claiming that I’m not a pet owner, no, no, I’m a “Pet Parent.” To which I respond, no, I’m not a “Pet Parent.” Beyond the whole biological/DNA issue, I am not this animal’s parent. I am not raising it to carry on my family name. I am not teaching it how to get on in the world, go to school, get a job and start a family. It is not my “fur baby.” It is my pet. It is a small, formerly wild animal I am allowing in my house. It is a companion, to be sure, but not an equal. A pet is my child the way corporations are people. They’re not.
I don’t know why people out there keep trying to equate my kids with their dog or cat. First, no one told me when I had my kids that I had to go and get them neutered or spayed. Didn’t come up at all. But go and adopt a dog and that’s all they throw at you.
My kids don’t eat out of the garbage or drink out of the toilet.
My kids never humped strangers’ legs.
I don’t expect my kids to defend the house against strangers or sleep on the floor at the foot of my bed.
If I posted videos of what my 3-year old does when I leave her alone all day in the house, I won’t get a bunch of likes on Facebook, I’ll get a call from Children’s Services. Ditto if I dragged my kid down to the park to take a dump.
I don’t need 52 different dog foods with organic ingredients in a variety of gourmet flavors. We mentioned the toilet drinking and garbage eating, right?
I’ve had pets most of my life, and I’ve enjoyed and loved them. But that was it. They were pets.
So back off Pet Depot.
I don’t know why people out there keep trying to equate my kids with their dog or cat. First, no one told me when I had my kids that I had to go and get them neutered or spayed. Didn’t come up at all. But go and adopt a dog and that’s all they throw at you.
My kids don’t eat out of the garbage or drink out of the toilet.
My kids never humped strangers’ legs.
I don’t expect my kids to defend the house against strangers or sleep on the floor at the foot of my bed.
If I posted videos of what my 3-year old does when I leave her alone all day in the house, I won’t get a bunch of likes on Facebook, I’ll get a call from Children’s Services. Ditto if I dragged my kid down to the park to take a dump.
I don’t need 52 different dog foods with organic ingredients in a variety of gourmet flavors. We mentioned the toilet drinking and garbage eating, right?
I’ve had pets most of my life, and I’ve enjoyed and loved them. But that was it. They were pets.
So back off Pet Depot.
