 | In March 2016, a new comedy website launched, featuring short online articles. It was The Morning Kvetch. Alas, there was no traction and the site no longer exists. So, I'm going to drag out the bits I wrote for them and post them here from time to time. So, let us present: |
Notes from the meeting where The Syfy Channel Executives Develop the New Show, ‘Van Helsing,’
That’s right, the Syfy Channel (which can’t even spell Sci-Fi) has a new show which will be a new take on the Dracula legend. It’ll take place in the near-future, in a world controlled by vampires and Van Helsing will be the daughter of the original Abraham Van Helsing, who killed Dracula. So by “new take” they mean “ignore the original stuff.”
Are they kidding? What is going on??? TV shows based on Frankenstein, Jekyll & Hyde (loved him, hated Hyde) and now this? Despite the failure of previous shows based on Dracula and Hannibal which each turned the source material on its ear. Also, the fact that all those characters are appearing on BBC cable shows left and right!
Are they kidding? What is going on??? TV shows based on Frankenstein, Jekyll & Hyde (loved him, hated Hyde) and now this? Despite the failure of previous shows based on Dracula and Hannibal which each turned the source material on its ear. Also, the fact that all those characters are appearing on BBC cable shows left and right!
Forget that they did a movie Van Helsing. Forget that they did a cartoon series Van Helsing. Let’s do Van Helsing! (you know “Van Helsing” was a horrible movie, right? Which, granted, is pretty close, since it was supposed to be a horror movie.)
Which brings us back to “What were they thinking?” And thanks to a fly on the wall (an actual fly, this is sci-fi after all) we now know exactly how that first meeting went:
Which brings us back to “What were they thinking?” And thanks to a fly on the wall (an actual fly, this is sci-fi after all) we now know exactly how that first meeting went:
"Hey, what’s a public domain character we can get our hands on and make multiple movies about?”
“What, you mean like…Sherlock Holmes? Or Frankenstein? Or Dracula? Or Cinderella? Or Snow White? Or Alice in Wonderland? Tarzan? Or Steve Jobs?”
“Yes, one of those. Let’s do a movie/TV show on that. Wait, Van Helsing, the vampire guy in Dracula! Let’s do that!”
“Great idea, boss.”
“Sounds like a winner, chief.”
“Wasn’t there a movie about that, sir? Didn’t it bomb?”
“Probably because they screwed it up. We’ll make him a real vampire hunter!”
“What, you mean like…Sherlock Holmes? Or Frankenstein? Or Dracula? Or Cinderella? Or Snow White? Or Alice in Wonderland? Tarzan? Or Steve Jobs?”
“Yes, one of those. Let’s do a movie/TV show on that. Wait, Van Helsing, the vampire guy in Dracula! Let’s do that!”
“Great idea, boss.”
“Sounds like a winner, chief.”
“Wasn’t there a movie about that, sir? Didn’t it bomb?”
“Probably because they screwed it up. We’ll make him a real vampire hunter!”
“And do it like Buffy!”
“Who?”
“Buffy the Vampire Slayer.”
“Which is?”
“Weren’t you an executive producer at the WB when that show was on, sir?”
“Moving on…we won’t go by the those traditional vampire rules, we’ll make up new ones.”
“Why, sir?”
“Because traditional vampire rules might slow us down. Do you know how much it cost to do night shoots? Or what fang rentals run?”
“Oh, oh, I know, boss, let’s not make it Van Helsing, but his daughter! His sexy daughter that knows martial arts!”
“That’s Buffy.”
“Why do you keep brining that up, Henderson? How’s this, the whole world is now taken over by vampires! You know, like zombies but with cheaper make-up.”
“Terrific, boss!”
“I’m getting goosebumps, chief!”
“Lady Van Helsing is the last hope, because, you know, her dad was an elderly guy that studied vampire legends!”
“Why not have her solve crimes, too, while you’re at it, sir?”
“Don’t get snarky with me, Henderson. This’ll work, we’ve got a name people might know, but we totally change it from what they remember.”
“It’ll be old and new simultaneously. Amazing, boss!”
“There’s a term for this…”
“Spin-off”
“Remake?”
“Reimaging?”
“Bait and switch.”
“Henderson, you’re fired.”
“Who?”
“Buffy the Vampire Slayer.”
“Which is?”
“Weren’t you an executive producer at the WB when that show was on, sir?”
“Moving on…we won’t go by the those traditional vampire rules, we’ll make up new ones.”
“Why, sir?”
“Because traditional vampire rules might slow us down. Do you know how much it cost to do night shoots? Or what fang rentals run?”
“Oh, oh, I know, boss, let’s not make it Van Helsing, but his daughter! His sexy daughter that knows martial arts!”
“That’s Buffy.”
“Why do you keep brining that up, Henderson? How’s this, the whole world is now taken over by vampires! You know, like zombies but with cheaper make-up.”
“Terrific, boss!”
“I’m getting goosebumps, chief!”
“Lady Van Helsing is the last hope, because, you know, her dad was an elderly guy that studied vampire legends!”
“Why not have her solve crimes, too, while you’re at it, sir?”
“Don’t get snarky with me, Henderson. This’ll work, we’ve got a name people might know, but we totally change it from what they remember.”
“It’ll be old and new simultaneously. Amazing, boss!”
“There’s a term for this…”
“Spin-off”
“Remake?”
“Reimaging?”
“Bait and switch.”
“Henderson, you’re fired.”
