Well, they missed the opportunity to use some jokes again this week:
There was a lot of negative reaction to President Obama’s 2012 State of the Union Address, or as FOX was
calling it, “President Obama’s Last State of the Union Address.”
There was a lot of negative reaction to President Obama’s 2012 State of the Union Address, or as FOX was
calling it, “President Obama’s Last State of the Union Address.”
Jon Huntsman suspended his presidential campaign and has endorsed Mitt Romney…
…Mitt can really use that Huntsman bump.
…locking up the Mormon vote.
The Captain of the capsized ocean liner now is saying he didn’t abandon ship after running it aground, that he tripped and fell into the lifeboat…
…yes, on the hem of the dress he was wearing trying to get on under the “women and children
first” rule.
…and has now been selected as President Obama’s economic adviser.
…Apparently the guy sailing the ship was Capt. Clouseau.
Records now show that the Italian coast guard ordered the captain of the capsized Italian cruise
ship to go back aboard to oversee the evacuation, But he did not…
…he now faces criminal charges and a possible reality TV show.
…so, we call him the anti-Scully.
…Man, we had a Captain Scully land a plane in the water and get everyone off. This guy was
already in the water and still screwed it up.
The news regarding the Italian ocean liners capsizing was especially hard on the main-stream media,
because they couldn’t decide which GOP candidate to compare the shipwreck to.
The Wall Street Journal reports that Occupy Wall Street is running out of money…
…wait, you mean you can’t turn a profit standing around in a park?
…so the main-stream media is going to have to continue covering the protests pro bono.
…so, it’s back to occupy the unemployment line
Iran says it will send the U.S. government a toy model of the CIA drone they captured last month in response to White House requests for the return of the unmanned aircraft...
…all part of China’s marketing to get the new toys into stores for Christmas.
…which is quicker than Walmart will be getting them.
Jay-Z says now that he has a daughter he'll never again use the word "bitch" in a song to describe a woman and return to the more traditional “ho” and “skank.”
Iran is banning the sale of Barbie dolls to protect the public from "destructive cultural and social consequences" of the American toy…
…but“Jihad Ken” is selling like hotcakes.
…unless they’re filled with plastic explosives.
A human head and hand was found near the Hollywood sign last week and Los Angeles police announced they are treating the case as a possible homicide…
…or a suicide gone horribly, horribly wrong.
…or the most gruesome jigsaw puzzle ever.
The US State Department announced that it will not approve the Keystone XL pipeline project…
…so start hoarding your gasoline now.
…because, you know, it might actually do some good around here.
…thereby fast-tracking President Obama’s plan to become a one-term president.
…thereby putting both pipeline workers and protesters out of a job.
America’s tax money was used to pay for port-a-potty rentals at last week’s“Occupy Congress” Capitol protest…
…which comes as a surprise because we didn’t know that the Occupy protesters were using
port-a-potties.
In a New York Times interview George Lucas said he’s retiring from the film business…
…that sound you heard was millions of fanboys getting their lives back.
…and not make any more new movies. He’ll just keep tinkering with “Star Wars” for the rest of his life.
Judicial Watch filed a Freedom of Information Act complaint against the Department of Defense and the CIA to find out if they gave classified information to producers of a film about the death of Osama bin Laden…
…they became suspicious of the movie when they learned it was titled “How Obama Killed bin Laden Dead, Dead, Dead."
…in exchange for a couple of autographs of Clint Eastwood.
President Obama flew to Walt Disney World to unveil a strategy to boost tourism, travel and jobs…
…which apparently will create jobs by having a lot of coverage of all the vacations President Obama takes.
Ricky Gervais has announced that he will not be back to the Golden Globes, after hosting the show three times in a row. He stated he wants to get back to being “vaguely known.”
Celebrity chef Paula Deen recently announced that she has type 2 diabetes. She also announced her new Paula Deen’s Insulin Butter is now available in supermarkets everywhere.
During an online interview, famed dog trainer Cesar Millan told how he originally came to America illegally. Bad, Cesar, bad!
Iranian officials claim that President Obama sent a secret letter to Iran calling for direct talks...
…while the Obama administration denied writing a letter, saying that it was a candygram.
…in it saying the US would never that any hostile action against Iran. Also, they can keep the drone.
…the White House denies sending the letter, but the return address did say 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
…but only if they stop chanting “Death to the USA.”
Three business groups have filed lawsuits opposing President Obama's "recess appointment" of Richard Cordray to the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau claiming that the Senate is wasn’t in recess ...
…so, maybe Congress can undo it during one of the President’s multiple vacations.
ABC News aired an interview with Marianne Gingrich, Newt Gingrich’s second wife two days before the South Carolina presidential primary…
…but did offer to air an interview with a waiter Mitt Romney once stiffed to compensate.
…then showed videos of President Obama with puppies.
Last week’s episode of Modern Family drew protests because the toddler on the show started
using the F-word…
…because who doesn’t enjoy a comedy where kids sound like a Comedy Central stand-up
act?
…in a related story, Modern Family will now be shown on HBO.
According to a new Harris Poll, Johnny Depp is America’s Favorite Actor…
…which comes as a surprise to us who didn’t think he was acting.
…better luck next year, Pauly Shore.
…and at the bottom of the list? That guy from the “We Buy Gold”commercial.
News Corp’s News International has settled 36 more News Of The Worldphone-hacking cases,
with the claimants receiving hundreds of free roll-over minutes.
Let’s get started; GOP primaries underway, severe weather across the nation, Iran working on nukes, so what’s the top story? Michelle Obama was on “iCarly!”
Recently on his CNN show, Piers Morgan praised former President Jimmy Carter for his famous 1979 "Malaise Speech." Morgan then went on to compliment Capt. Francesco Schettino for the way he abandoned his cruise ship, congratulate Mark Wahlberg on his retroactive bravery, and praise the Japanese for their slick attack on Pearl Harbor.
According to last year's report from the IRS, 97 percent of 2009 filers paid less than 15 percent on their taxes…
…which means Mitt Romney needs a new tax accountant.
…so Romney really is one of us.
…well, look who’s part of the 97%.
In a new campaign ad, President Obama says he created 2.7 million jobs in green energy…
…invisible mystery jobs.
…it’s just all that unemployment obscures them.
…not only are they green, they’re invisible.
CNN confirmed that Casey Anthony would be receiving $1 million for her first interview since being
acquitted of murdering her young daughter…
…and then hosting her own show.
…well, there’s money well spent.
…Really? For that money unless that includes a steel-cage match with Nancy Grace, we’re not watching.
…and then becoming the new “Bachelorette” on ABC.
Gov. Rick Perry dropped out of the Republican presidential race and threw his support to Newt
Gingrich…
…I guess Texas could only handle one miracle at a time.
…which is more than his second wife did.
The Iranian regime claims its diesel submarines can ambush and strike US carriers in the Persian
Gulf…
…but only if we make Capt. Francesco Schettino head of the Navy.
…so long as our sonar is turned off and our crews are asleep or on vacation.
Studies show that 32 coal power plants in a dozen states will be forced to close because of the
new, more stringent EPA regulations…
…if you complained when the Internet when dark, just wait until your house does.
…just as well, after the Obama Administration closes all those coal mines, they won’t have
anything to make power with anyway.
A final certified tally of the 2012 Iowa caucus showed that Rick Santorum finished
first, just 34 votes ahead of Mitt Romney…
…leading the Romney campaign to declare “No Do-overs!”
…setting the stage for a re-match, the Raucous in the Caucus!
Actor Mark Wahlberg said in an interview that he would have subdued the 9/11 hijackers and landed the plane safely if he had stuck with a plan to take one of the doomed flights…
…failing that, he would have made the world turn backward and reverse time so he could prevent
it.
…apparently Marky Mark has been watching too many of his movies.
…see, the trouble here is that most barroom boasts don’t get printed in a magazine.
…also, he would’ve stop the Kennedy assassination, killed Hitler and repel the Japanese attack on
Pearl Harbor.
According to police, two young Pennsylvanians attempted to blow up a vehicle with flaming
tampons…
…because they were out of arrows.
…mistaking them for sticks of dynamic.
In Iowa, President Obama’s 2008 Iowa New Media Director was arrested for attempting to use the
identities of the Secretary of State with the intent to falsely implicate the Secretary in illegal behavior…
…the irony of trying to nail someone for something illegal by doing something illegal was
apparently lost on him.
…So, this is like a promotion, right?
In Georgia, a judge has ordered President Barack Obama to appear in court in Atlanta for a
hearing on a complaint that says Obama isn’t a natural-born citizen and can’t be president…
…what? You mean they just won’t let him fax his birth certificate?
…the White House responded that the President is busy. Singing in NYC.
Chuck Norris endorsed Newt Gingrich last week…
…while President Obama pick up support from the girl in the T-Mobile Ads.
Doctors had to perform surgery on an Illinois man who had unknowingly shot a 3-inch nail into
his brain. The man was fine, although he said he had an uncontrollable desire to vote democratic.
…Mitt can really use that Huntsman bump.
…locking up the Mormon vote.
The Captain of the capsized ocean liner now is saying he didn’t abandon ship after running it aground, that he tripped and fell into the lifeboat…
…yes, on the hem of the dress he was wearing trying to get on under the “women and children
first” rule.
…and has now been selected as President Obama’s economic adviser.
…Apparently the guy sailing the ship was Capt. Clouseau.
Records now show that the Italian coast guard ordered the captain of the capsized Italian cruise
ship to go back aboard to oversee the evacuation, But he did not…
…he now faces criminal charges and a possible reality TV show.
…so, we call him the anti-Scully.
…Man, we had a Captain Scully land a plane in the water and get everyone off. This guy was
already in the water and still screwed it up.
The news regarding the Italian ocean liners capsizing was especially hard on the main-stream media,
because they couldn’t decide which GOP candidate to compare the shipwreck to.
The Wall Street Journal reports that Occupy Wall Street is running out of money…
…wait, you mean you can’t turn a profit standing around in a park?
…so the main-stream media is going to have to continue covering the protests pro bono.
…so, it’s back to occupy the unemployment line
Iran says it will send the U.S. government a toy model of the CIA drone they captured last month in response to White House requests for the return of the unmanned aircraft...
…all part of China’s marketing to get the new toys into stores for Christmas.
…which is quicker than Walmart will be getting them.
Jay-Z says now that he has a daughter he'll never again use the word "bitch" in a song to describe a woman and return to the more traditional “ho” and “skank.”
Iran is banning the sale of Barbie dolls to protect the public from "destructive cultural and social consequences" of the American toy…
…but“Jihad Ken” is selling like hotcakes.
…unless they’re filled with plastic explosives.
A human head and hand was found near the Hollywood sign last week and Los Angeles police announced they are treating the case as a possible homicide…
…or a suicide gone horribly, horribly wrong.
…or the most gruesome jigsaw puzzle ever.
The US State Department announced that it will not approve the Keystone XL pipeline project…
…so start hoarding your gasoline now.
…because, you know, it might actually do some good around here.
…thereby fast-tracking President Obama’s plan to become a one-term president.
…thereby putting both pipeline workers and protesters out of a job.
America’s tax money was used to pay for port-a-potty rentals at last week’s“Occupy Congress” Capitol protest…
…which comes as a surprise because we didn’t know that the Occupy protesters were using
port-a-potties.
In a New York Times interview George Lucas said he’s retiring from the film business…
…that sound you heard was millions of fanboys getting their lives back.
…and not make any more new movies. He’ll just keep tinkering with “Star Wars” for the rest of his life.
Judicial Watch filed a Freedom of Information Act complaint against the Department of Defense and the CIA to find out if they gave classified information to producers of a film about the death of Osama bin Laden…
…they became suspicious of the movie when they learned it was titled “How Obama Killed bin Laden Dead, Dead, Dead."
…in exchange for a couple of autographs of Clint Eastwood.
President Obama flew to Walt Disney World to unveil a strategy to boost tourism, travel and jobs…
…which apparently will create jobs by having a lot of coverage of all the vacations President Obama takes.
Ricky Gervais has announced that he will not be back to the Golden Globes, after hosting the show three times in a row. He stated he wants to get back to being “vaguely known.”
Celebrity chef Paula Deen recently announced that she has type 2 diabetes. She also announced her new Paula Deen’s Insulin Butter is now available in supermarkets everywhere.
During an online interview, famed dog trainer Cesar Millan told how he originally came to America illegally. Bad, Cesar, bad!
Iranian officials claim that President Obama sent a secret letter to Iran calling for direct talks...
…while the Obama administration denied writing a letter, saying that it was a candygram.
…in it saying the US would never that any hostile action against Iran. Also, they can keep the drone.
…the White House denies sending the letter, but the return address did say 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
…but only if they stop chanting “Death to the USA.”
Three business groups have filed lawsuits opposing President Obama's "recess appointment" of Richard Cordray to the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau claiming that the Senate is wasn’t in recess ...
…so, maybe Congress can undo it during one of the President’s multiple vacations.
ABC News aired an interview with Marianne Gingrich, Newt Gingrich’s second wife two days before the South Carolina presidential primary…
…but did offer to air an interview with a waiter Mitt Romney once stiffed to compensate.
…then showed videos of President Obama with puppies.
Last week’s episode of Modern Family drew protests because the toddler on the show started
using the F-word…
…because who doesn’t enjoy a comedy where kids sound like a Comedy Central stand-up
act?
…in a related story, Modern Family will now be shown on HBO.
According to a new Harris Poll, Johnny Depp is America’s Favorite Actor…
…which comes as a surprise to us who didn’t think he was acting.
…better luck next year, Pauly Shore.
…and at the bottom of the list? That guy from the “We Buy Gold”commercial.
News Corp’s News International has settled 36 more News Of The Worldphone-hacking cases,
with the claimants receiving hundreds of free roll-over minutes.
Let’s get started; GOP primaries underway, severe weather across the nation, Iran working on nukes, so what’s the top story? Michelle Obama was on “iCarly!”
Recently on his CNN show, Piers Morgan praised former President Jimmy Carter for his famous 1979 "Malaise Speech." Morgan then went on to compliment Capt. Francesco Schettino for the way he abandoned his cruise ship, congratulate Mark Wahlberg on his retroactive bravery, and praise the Japanese for their slick attack on Pearl Harbor.
According to last year's report from the IRS, 97 percent of 2009 filers paid less than 15 percent on their taxes…
…which means Mitt Romney needs a new tax accountant.
…so Romney really is one of us.
…well, look who’s part of the 97%.
In a new campaign ad, President Obama says he created 2.7 million jobs in green energy…
…invisible mystery jobs.
…it’s just all that unemployment obscures them.
…not only are they green, they’re invisible.
CNN confirmed that Casey Anthony would be receiving $1 million for her first interview since being
acquitted of murdering her young daughter…
…and then hosting her own show.
…well, there’s money well spent.
…Really? For that money unless that includes a steel-cage match with Nancy Grace, we’re not watching.
…and then becoming the new “Bachelorette” on ABC.
Gov. Rick Perry dropped out of the Republican presidential race and threw his support to Newt
Gingrich…
…I guess Texas could only handle one miracle at a time.
…which is more than his second wife did.
The Iranian regime claims its diesel submarines can ambush and strike US carriers in the Persian
Gulf…
…but only if we make Capt. Francesco Schettino head of the Navy.
…so long as our sonar is turned off and our crews are asleep or on vacation.
Studies show that 32 coal power plants in a dozen states will be forced to close because of the
new, more stringent EPA regulations…
…if you complained when the Internet when dark, just wait until your house does.
…just as well, after the Obama Administration closes all those coal mines, they won’t have
anything to make power with anyway.
A final certified tally of the 2012 Iowa caucus showed that Rick Santorum finished
first, just 34 votes ahead of Mitt Romney…
…leading the Romney campaign to declare “No Do-overs!”
…setting the stage for a re-match, the Raucous in the Caucus!
Actor Mark Wahlberg said in an interview that he would have subdued the 9/11 hijackers and landed the plane safely if he had stuck with a plan to take one of the doomed flights…
…failing that, he would have made the world turn backward and reverse time so he could prevent
it.
…apparently Marky Mark has been watching too many of his movies.
…see, the trouble here is that most barroom boasts don’t get printed in a magazine.
…also, he would’ve stop the Kennedy assassination, killed Hitler and repel the Japanese attack on
Pearl Harbor.
According to police, two young Pennsylvanians attempted to blow up a vehicle with flaming
tampons…
…because they were out of arrows.
…mistaking them for sticks of dynamic.
In Iowa, President Obama’s 2008 Iowa New Media Director was arrested for attempting to use the
identities of the Secretary of State with the intent to falsely implicate the Secretary in illegal behavior…
…the irony of trying to nail someone for something illegal by doing something illegal was
apparently lost on him.
…So, this is like a promotion, right?
In Georgia, a judge has ordered President Barack Obama to appear in court in Atlanta for a
hearing on a complaint that says Obama isn’t a natural-born citizen and can’t be president…
…what? You mean they just won’t let him fax his birth certificate?
…the White House responded that the President is busy. Singing in NYC.
Chuck Norris endorsed Newt Gingrich last week…
…while President Obama pick up support from the girl in the T-Mobile Ads.
Doctors had to perform surgery on an Illinois man who had unknowingly shot a 3-inch nail into
his brain. The man was fine, although he said he had an uncontrollable desire to vote democratic.
