A cranky piece I put on Associated Content back in 2004.
SIM Staten Island
I've been working on a new simulation computer game, but I need to BETA test the logic programming, so I thought I might run it by you, if I could. I'm trying to make it as realistic as possible.
The object of the game, as it is of all the simulated games, is to run an entire borough, to develop and care for its citizens and keep things running smoothly.
Begin:
The object of the game, as it is of all the simulated games, is to run an entire borough, to develop and care for its citizens and keep things running smoothly.
Begin:
Begin:
1) Select neighbors:
a) Organized mobsters
b) People from Brooklyn
c) Trailer park folk
d) Native Staten Islanders
e) Former communists
2) Pick dwelling:
2a) Pre-bridge house
2b) Post-bridge house:
1) Duplex
2) Townhouse
3) Condominium:
*Purchase your home. You have parking for one car, but the developer points out that there's lots of street parking because of the undeveloped property across the street. You now face:
A) Parking problems because your car doesn't even fit in the driveway
B) Parking problems because everyone on the block buys two and three cars.
C) Parking problems because the developer builds on the property across the street.
D) Trying to save your spot with a garbage can, starting a neighborhood riot.
4) Apartment
-Upstairs from cigarette smoking couple.
-Downstairs from the cast of "River dance."
3) Pick vehicle:
a) Minivan
b) Jeep
c) SUV
d) Hummer
e) Two SUVs
SIM-island starts with three railroads, long, winding, narrow roads, and large unspoiled tracts of woods, wetlands, beaches and fields. Begin:
a) Tear them down for housing.
b) Build some power plants that you promise not to have working all the time.
c) Set up parklands but get all huffy about using them for soccer.
d) Open a landfill.
f) Leave the long, winding, narrow roads as is.
SIM-island has amusement parks, summer beach houses, ball fields, roller rinks and bowling alleys with movie theaters in each town. Proceed:
a) Tear them down for housing
b) Allow them to get run-down and become shadows of their former selves, and then tear them down for housing.
c) Replace them with shopping centers that have inadequate parking.
There are entire neighborhoods made up of beautiful old homes filled with character and class. Proceed:
a) Tear them down for housing.
b) Sell them to doctors, who don't have any place to park their patients' cars.
c) Have it declared a historic district and watch developers fume and circle like vultures.
As a developer you must get permits and conform to zoning regulations. Apply:
Granted: Build housing.
Denied: Build housing.
Your street is a dead end, even though it continues on the other side of that lot. Proceed:
a) Punch the street through, creating a convenient thoroughfare.
b) Fight any attempt to complete the street and enjoy your paved roller-skating rink and basketball court at taxpayers' expense.
c) Build townhouses on that lot.
You assume possession of old LNG tanks. Proceed:
a) Build townhouses.
b) Build duplexes.
c) Build another drugstore.
d) Build prison.
The road conditions are terrible. Proceed:
a) Experiment with glasphalt.
b) Replace the potholes with speed bumps.
c) Nothing, everyone owns an SUV anyway and they are perfect for these crater-ridden streets.
There is a very bad intersection where traffic is constantly backed up. Proceed:
a) Commission a committee to study it.
b) Put in "right-on-red" signs.
c) Fix it with some paint and brushes.
d) Construct new housing on that intersection.
e) Build new bridge to Jersey...one-way.
Developers are encroaching on wetlands. Your options:
a) Write a letter to the editor.
b) You notice that that wetlands aren't all that wet anyway.
c) Make sure the buyers like mosquitoes.
d) Hey, it's not like you built houses down by the ocean that are knee deep in water after the last Nor'easter.
e) See how many foundations they can put in before zoning is downsized.
Property goes on the market near a train station. You:
a) Build a newsstand for commuters.
b) Build a coffee shop for commuters.
c) Build a parking lot for commuters.
d) Construct new housing, adding more commuters and eliminating street parking.
The Navy abandons a valuable waterfront property, ceding the property to the borough. Proceed:
a) Build housing. The residents can then enjoy bowling across the street-no, wait, you torn down the bowling alley to build houses. Well, at least they're right by a hospital...oh snap...
b) Build a casino.
c) Pretend to build a movie studio then put up housing instead.
The world's largest landfill closes. Proceed:
a) Check to see if land is toxic
If No: build housing.
If Yes: build housing.
The end of the game comes when all the native Staten Islanders have moved to Jersey.
Well, that's how much I have so far. I can't wait to write the part about Mount Loretto.
1) Select neighbors:
a) Organized mobsters
b) People from Brooklyn
c) Trailer park folk
d) Native Staten Islanders
e) Former communists
2) Pick dwelling:
2a) Pre-bridge house
2b) Post-bridge house:
1) Duplex
2) Townhouse
3) Condominium:
*Purchase your home. You have parking for one car, but the developer points out that there's lots of street parking because of the undeveloped property across the street. You now face:
A) Parking problems because your car doesn't even fit in the driveway
B) Parking problems because everyone on the block buys two and three cars.
C) Parking problems because the developer builds on the property across the street.
D) Trying to save your spot with a garbage can, starting a neighborhood riot.
4) Apartment
-Upstairs from cigarette smoking couple.
-Downstairs from the cast of "River dance."
3) Pick vehicle:
a) Minivan
b) Jeep
c) SUV
d) Hummer
e) Two SUVs
SIM-island starts with three railroads, long, winding, narrow roads, and large unspoiled tracts of woods, wetlands, beaches and fields. Begin:
a) Tear them down for housing.
b) Build some power plants that you promise not to have working all the time.
c) Set up parklands but get all huffy about using them for soccer.
d) Open a landfill.
f) Leave the long, winding, narrow roads as is.
SIM-island has amusement parks, summer beach houses, ball fields, roller rinks and bowling alleys with movie theaters in each town. Proceed:
a) Tear them down for housing
b) Allow them to get run-down and become shadows of their former selves, and then tear them down for housing.
c) Replace them with shopping centers that have inadequate parking.
There are entire neighborhoods made up of beautiful old homes filled with character and class. Proceed:
a) Tear them down for housing.
b) Sell them to doctors, who don't have any place to park their patients' cars.
c) Have it declared a historic district and watch developers fume and circle like vultures.
As a developer you must get permits and conform to zoning regulations. Apply:
Granted: Build housing.
Denied: Build housing.
Your street is a dead end, even though it continues on the other side of that lot. Proceed:
a) Punch the street through, creating a convenient thoroughfare.
b) Fight any attempt to complete the street and enjoy your paved roller-skating rink and basketball court at taxpayers' expense.
c) Build townhouses on that lot.
You assume possession of old LNG tanks. Proceed:
a) Build townhouses.
b) Build duplexes.
c) Build another drugstore.
d) Build prison.
The road conditions are terrible. Proceed:
a) Experiment with glasphalt.
b) Replace the potholes with speed bumps.
c) Nothing, everyone owns an SUV anyway and they are perfect for these crater-ridden streets.
There is a very bad intersection where traffic is constantly backed up. Proceed:
a) Commission a committee to study it.
b) Put in "right-on-red" signs.
c) Fix it with some paint and brushes.
d) Construct new housing on that intersection.
e) Build new bridge to Jersey...one-way.
Developers are encroaching on wetlands. Your options:
a) Write a letter to the editor.
b) You notice that that wetlands aren't all that wet anyway.
c) Make sure the buyers like mosquitoes.
d) Hey, it's not like you built houses down by the ocean that are knee deep in water after the last Nor'easter.
e) See how many foundations they can put in before zoning is downsized.
Property goes on the market near a train station. You:
a) Build a newsstand for commuters.
b) Build a coffee shop for commuters.
c) Build a parking lot for commuters.
d) Construct new housing, adding more commuters and eliminating street parking.
The Navy abandons a valuable waterfront property, ceding the property to the borough. Proceed:
a) Build housing. The residents can then enjoy bowling across the street-no, wait, you torn down the bowling alley to build houses. Well, at least they're right by a hospital...oh snap...
b) Build a casino.
c) Pretend to build a movie studio then put up housing instead.
The world's largest landfill closes. Proceed:
a) Check to see if land is toxic
If No: build housing.
If Yes: build housing.
The end of the game comes when all the native Staten Islanders have moved to Jersey.
Well, that's how much I have so far. I can't wait to write the part about Mount Loretto.
