Is there anything that has a shorter shelf life than a topical sketch that isn't selected? Other than those fragile hand-crafted glass ornaments? It's rough. You pull together a decent take on today's pop culture news only to learn they didn't pick your sketch to be in this week's show. Then what? Submit it around to the hundreds of comedy troupes that are looking for sketches from strangers? Sit on it for a year and try to resubmit? Or, do you just start posting on your own blog because you never know (actually you do, but you do it anyway)? Doing a parody of Hallmark Christmas movies is definitely a thing, and it's hard to get ahead of the curve with SNL out there. But, the comedy troupe did a Christmas show and I decided to write a parody of a Hallmark Christmas movie. And since Hallmark is pushing its "Christmas in July" schedule, I decided to pull this out now.
A Candy Cane Christmas
Hallmark has been showing Christmas romantic comedy movies since October.
Unfortunately they ran out of plots a couple of years ago.
(Lights up on THAT ACTRESS, to the side.)
THAT ACTRESS: Welcome to the Hallmark Channel, home of the Hallmark Hall of Fame and lots of lesser nonsense. Hi, I'm that actress you know from that sitcom that got canceled a few years back and I'll be your host tonight for the new Hallmark move, "A Candy Cane Christmas," starring that guy from that thing and the girl in those commercials. Enjoy!
(Lights down on her and up on stage:)
INT. Small town Candy Cane Company
(DAVE and SAL are talking.)
DAVE: Oh, no, did you read the news?
SAL: What?
DAVE: Old Man Meyers sold the Candy Cane factory!
SAL: What? This small town depends on this factory for its very existence! Without it we’d be like Detroit, only more quaint!
DAVE: I know, I hear that all the time.
SAL: Who’d he sell it to?
DAVE: An investment banking firm in the city!
SAL: An investment banking firm? What the heck would an investment banking firm want with a candy cane company?
DAVE: They like the hard “k” sound?
SAL: This is going to be that Twinkie thing all over again!
DAVE: You mean like when that investment company bought the Twinkie factory, shut it down, fired all the union workers then sold off the company and recipes to other companies?
SAL: Okay, that, too.
(CARLY CAHN enters. Her mousey assistant, Betty, follows.)
CARLY: What is that smell? This whole town smells.
SAL: That would be peppermint.
CARLY: Smells like a Glade candle gone rogue.
SAL: Hi, I’m Sal, the foreman here at Peppermint Dreams Factory.
CARLY: I’m Carly Cahn, representing the new soulless owners.
DAVE: (to Betty) Delighted.
SAL: Focus up, Dave!
CARLY: So, this friendliness stuff? Is that for real?
SAL: Yes, actually. So, what are your plans for the factory?
CARLY: Oh, we have none. We’re stripping it down, selling the parts off, licensing the name to Macy’s, tearing down the building and fraking the lot.
SAL: Twinkies! I knew it!
DAVE: Nice call, Dave. (to Betty) He predicted that.
SAL: And the employees?
CARLY: The employees?
(She looks to Betty. Betty goes through her folders and pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to Carly.)
CARLY: Oh, yes, of course, the employees! (reading) We’ll be laying them off. You can imagine how that’s going to shore up our 4th quarter!
DAVE: Wow, two for two, Sal!
SAL: Well, merry Christmas to us.
CARLY: And a happy New Quarter!
SAL: You just can’t do that. You’ll kill this town!
CARLY: We don’t own the town, so we don’t care!
SAL: I hate you!
CARLY: I hate you more!
(They turn their backs on each other. Dave and Betty share a lingering look.)
DAVE: You’re very attractive.
BETTY: You are too. In a B-plot sort of way.
DAVE: Thank you. My agent says it’s the best I can hope for.
CARLY: Betty, let’s get out of here!
(She leaves. Betty lingers behind.)
CARLY: Betty!
(Betty hustles off after Carly.)
DAVE: Sal, what do we do?
SAL: We’ll go to the mayor! This is a small, rural town so we can just walk in on her, because, despite being rural, we’re progressive enough to elect a woman mayor! Unless the mayor is representing the corporate interests, then he’s a dude.
DAVE: Good plan!
SAL: Wait, there she is now! Mayor McCheese, a moment, please!
(The MAYOR enters.)
MAYOR: Please don’t call me that.
DAVE: But it’s your name and your title.
MAYOR: Sometimes I think this town elected me just because of my last name.
(Dave and Sal nod.)
DAVE & SAL: Pretty much.
MAYOR: What is it, Sal?
SAL: That company that bought the Candy Cane plant told us they’re going to close the company and tear down the factory!
MAYOR: What?
DAVE: You have to stop them!
MAYOR: Oh, who am I, Donald Trump? I can’t just walk in there and save jobs with the wave of my hand!
DAVE: You can’t?
SAL: That was the other reason we voted for you!
DAVE: That and the comedy relief.
SAL: Good point, side kick.
DAVE: Hashtag McCheese Regrets. That was pretty topical, right?
MAYOR: Thinking on it, I don’t think these new owners filed for any permits to do any of those things!
DAVE: Is that a thing?
SAL: Hush, we need a stalling tactic to keep the girl in town and change her mind!
MAYOR: It’s either this or a blizzard that snows us all in.
DAVE: Good point.
SAL: Okay, you bury her in paperwork, while I try to convince her what a swell town this is and what an important asset the Candy cane factory is!
MAYOR: You do that.
(Sal turns. Dave and Mayor start making kissy faces behind him. He turns back, they stop.)
SAL: Yeah, sounds like a plan.
DAVE: Sure does.
(Mayor and Dave exit. Carly comes walking through on her cell.)
CARLY: What have you done!
SAL: What?
CARLY: We were just told we have to file all sorts of paper work to rip down that stupid old factory!
SAL: That was quick. I’m guessing there was supposed to be a commercial break there.
CARLY: Now I’m stuck in this God-forsaken town until my fiancé the lawyer can sort it all out!
SAL: Fiancé? What’s his name?
CARLY: I just call him the lawyer.
SAL: The town’s not that bad.
CARLY: I come from the big city, we have electricity, cable, internet, shows, opera, pretzels on the streets! (suddenly) Is that a flower?
SAL: What? Oh, that, it sure is. It’s the holly rose. Only blooms up there around this time of year.
CARLY: It’s so festive! It makes we want to break out into a generic, public domain Christmas song!
SAL: The more public domain the better!
CARLY: Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh…
SAL: Go, horsey, go!---
CARLY: O’vr the fields we go, laughing all the way…
SAL: Go, horsey, go!---!
CARLY: Really? Is this like the first time you’ve heard this song?
SAL: I’m just a big lug.
CARLY: Indeed. (looks at flower) It’s beautiful
SAL: You’re beautiful.
(They kiss. Suddenly the factory whistle blows. Everyone rushes out. )
CARLY: What’s going on?
SAL: Is the factory re-opening?
DAVE: A new article came out in the medical journal. It shows that peppermint cures the Zika virus! We just got flooded with orders for peppermint suppositories!
SAL: That’s great! Wait, when did you start reading medical journals?
DAVE: I have unfulfilled dreams, too, you know!
CARLY: Well, I guess I’d be crazy to close the factory now. But still be crazy enough to jack up the price on peppermint 500%!
(Turns to Betty who is making out big time with Dave.)
CARLY: Betty, make a note of that! Betty? Betty!
SAL: So, you’ll stay!
CARLY: I will!
SAL: And you’re fiancé?
CARLY: I’ll text him. He’s a lawyer, I’ll just take him off retainer!
(They hug and kiss. Everyone says “Aaaaw.”)
(Santa walks through, waving.)
SANTA: Ho-ho-ho! Buy greeting cards, everybody!
CAST: Merry Christmas!
End
Unfortunately they ran out of plots a couple of years ago.
(Lights up on THAT ACTRESS, to the side.)
THAT ACTRESS: Welcome to the Hallmark Channel, home of the Hallmark Hall of Fame and lots of lesser nonsense. Hi, I'm that actress you know from that sitcom that got canceled a few years back and I'll be your host tonight for the new Hallmark move, "A Candy Cane Christmas," starring that guy from that thing and the girl in those commercials. Enjoy!
(Lights down on her and up on stage:)
INT. Small town Candy Cane Company
(DAVE and SAL are talking.)
DAVE: Oh, no, did you read the news?
SAL: What?
DAVE: Old Man Meyers sold the Candy Cane factory!
SAL: What? This small town depends on this factory for its very existence! Without it we’d be like Detroit, only more quaint!
DAVE: I know, I hear that all the time.
SAL: Who’d he sell it to?
DAVE: An investment banking firm in the city!
SAL: An investment banking firm? What the heck would an investment banking firm want with a candy cane company?
DAVE: They like the hard “k” sound?
SAL: This is going to be that Twinkie thing all over again!
DAVE: You mean like when that investment company bought the Twinkie factory, shut it down, fired all the union workers then sold off the company and recipes to other companies?
SAL: Okay, that, too.
(CARLY CAHN enters. Her mousey assistant, Betty, follows.)
CARLY: What is that smell? This whole town smells.
SAL: That would be peppermint.
CARLY: Smells like a Glade candle gone rogue.
SAL: Hi, I’m Sal, the foreman here at Peppermint Dreams Factory.
CARLY: I’m Carly Cahn, representing the new soulless owners.
DAVE: (to Betty) Delighted.
SAL: Focus up, Dave!
CARLY: So, this friendliness stuff? Is that for real?
SAL: Yes, actually. So, what are your plans for the factory?
CARLY: Oh, we have none. We’re stripping it down, selling the parts off, licensing the name to Macy’s, tearing down the building and fraking the lot.
SAL: Twinkies! I knew it!
DAVE: Nice call, Dave. (to Betty) He predicted that.
SAL: And the employees?
CARLY: The employees?
(She looks to Betty. Betty goes through her folders and pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to Carly.)
CARLY: Oh, yes, of course, the employees! (reading) We’ll be laying them off. You can imagine how that’s going to shore up our 4th quarter!
DAVE: Wow, two for two, Sal!
SAL: Well, merry Christmas to us.
CARLY: And a happy New Quarter!
SAL: You just can’t do that. You’ll kill this town!
CARLY: We don’t own the town, so we don’t care!
SAL: I hate you!
CARLY: I hate you more!
(They turn their backs on each other. Dave and Betty share a lingering look.)
DAVE: You’re very attractive.
BETTY: You are too. In a B-plot sort of way.
DAVE: Thank you. My agent says it’s the best I can hope for.
CARLY: Betty, let’s get out of here!
(She leaves. Betty lingers behind.)
CARLY: Betty!
(Betty hustles off after Carly.)
DAVE: Sal, what do we do?
SAL: We’ll go to the mayor! This is a small, rural town so we can just walk in on her, because, despite being rural, we’re progressive enough to elect a woman mayor! Unless the mayor is representing the corporate interests, then he’s a dude.
DAVE: Good plan!
SAL: Wait, there she is now! Mayor McCheese, a moment, please!
(The MAYOR enters.)
MAYOR: Please don’t call me that.
DAVE: But it’s your name and your title.
MAYOR: Sometimes I think this town elected me just because of my last name.
(Dave and Sal nod.)
DAVE & SAL: Pretty much.
MAYOR: What is it, Sal?
SAL: That company that bought the Candy Cane plant told us they’re going to close the company and tear down the factory!
MAYOR: What?
DAVE: You have to stop them!
MAYOR: Oh, who am I, Donald Trump? I can’t just walk in there and save jobs with the wave of my hand!
DAVE: You can’t?
SAL: That was the other reason we voted for you!
DAVE: That and the comedy relief.
SAL: Good point, side kick.
DAVE: Hashtag McCheese Regrets. That was pretty topical, right?
MAYOR: Thinking on it, I don’t think these new owners filed for any permits to do any of those things!
DAVE: Is that a thing?
SAL: Hush, we need a stalling tactic to keep the girl in town and change her mind!
MAYOR: It’s either this or a blizzard that snows us all in.
DAVE: Good point.
SAL: Okay, you bury her in paperwork, while I try to convince her what a swell town this is and what an important asset the Candy cane factory is!
MAYOR: You do that.
(Sal turns. Dave and Mayor start making kissy faces behind him. He turns back, they stop.)
SAL: Yeah, sounds like a plan.
DAVE: Sure does.
(Mayor and Dave exit. Carly comes walking through on her cell.)
CARLY: What have you done!
SAL: What?
CARLY: We were just told we have to file all sorts of paper work to rip down that stupid old factory!
SAL: That was quick. I’m guessing there was supposed to be a commercial break there.
CARLY: Now I’m stuck in this God-forsaken town until my fiancé the lawyer can sort it all out!
SAL: Fiancé? What’s his name?
CARLY: I just call him the lawyer.
SAL: The town’s not that bad.
CARLY: I come from the big city, we have electricity, cable, internet, shows, opera, pretzels on the streets! (suddenly) Is that a flower?
SAL: What? Oh, that, it sure is. It’s the holly rose. Only blooms up there around this time of year.
CARLY: It’s so festive! It makes we want to break out into a generic, public domain Christmas song!
SAL: The more public domain the better!
CARLY: Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh…
SAL: Go, horsey, go!---
CARLY: O’vr the fields we go, laughing all the way…
SAL: Go, horsey, go!---!
CARLY: Really? Is this like the first time you’ve heard this song?
SAL: I’m just a big lug.
CARLY: Indeed. (looks at flower) It’s beautiful
SAL: You’re beautiful.
(They kiss. Suddenly the factory whistle blows. Everyone rushes out. )
CARLY: What’s going on?
SAL: Is the factory re-opening?
DAVE: A new article came out in the medical journal. It shows that peppermint cures the Zika virus! We just got flooded with orders for peppermint suppositories!
SAL: That’s great! Wait, when did you start reading medical journals?
DAVE: I have unfulfilled dreams, too, you know!
CARLY: Well, I guess I’d be crazy to close the factory now. But still be crazy enough to jack up the price on peppermint 500%!
(Turns to Betty who is making out big time with Dave.)
CARLY: Betty, make a note of that! Betty? Betty!
SAL: So, you’ll stay!
CARLY: I will!
SAL: And you’re fiancé?
CARLY: I’ll text him. He’s a lawyer, I’ll just take him off retainer!
(They hug and kiss. Everyone says “Aaaaw.”)
(Santa walks through, waving.)
SANTA: Ho-ho-ho! Buy greeting cards, everybody!
CAST: Merry Christmas!
End
