…so you may want to start blocking that channel now.
…and then Lady Gaga will perform at the 2036 Super Bowl.
…so a wardrobe malfunction may be the least of our problems.
New experts decoding the Mayan tablet that refer to the year 2012 say it does not denote the end of the world as others have read it, just the end of an era. Sure, the end of the era obsessing about the Mayan calendar.
A documentary shown on the BBC is claiming there is no such thing as "al Qaeda…"
…which sounds like a bigger hoax than their report on spaghetti trees.
…it’s just been an amazing coincidence.
…also reported as a hoax: electricity, a round earth and powered flight.
The Senate has introduced a bill that would require the Supreme Court to televise its hearings…
…and advertise them as the most boring reality show ever.
…sure, and why don’t we nominate Judge Judy, too, while we’re at it?
…that’s just so they will be something more boring than C-SPAN on TV.
…needless to say, Liberty Mutual and the scooter companies would kill to sponsor that show.
…which I guess means they’re going to have to start wearing clothes under their robes.
Fox Business Channel is claiming that the new Muppet movie is part of liberal Hollywood’s attempt to brainwash kids to hate the oil industry and corporate America…
…and make over $100 million for the Disney Corporation in the process.
…which was exposed with the new character, Occupy Muppet.
…prompting the formation of a new group MupPETA, an organization dedicated to the Ethical Treatment of Muppets.
The media ran wide last week, picking up the false headline that Fox Business Channel called the Muppets communists…
…they didn’t, they said they were puppets---of liberal Hollywood.
…which makes you wonder, who’s hand is shoved up their butts?
In an interview, Bob Woodward said that Al Gore told him the American public only knows "one percent" of what went on during Bill Clinton's presidency...
…we just assumed the other 99%.
…maybe we can still impeach him retroactively.
…the weird part? That this surprised ace investigative reporter Bob Woodward.
…apparently Deep Throat stopped getting Woodward all his information by this time.
…like they say, follow the horny.
In a radio interview, Rick Santorum said he couldn’t see how Donald Trump would be any worse than any moderator they dealt with from the mainstream media…
…way to suck up to the moderator, Rick.
…although you can be pretty sure George Stephanopoulos won’t decide to run as a 3rd party candidate.
Taking about President Obama’s recent speech in Osawatomie, Kansas, the main stream media started comparing him to Teddy Roosevelt…
…because they probably got tired of comparing him to Franklin Roosevelt, Jack Kennedy, Ronald Reagan…
…when really, the comparison stops with Jimmy Carter.
…of course once he got to Kansas, President Obama told the audience that “It’s great to be back in Texas.” So maybe he’s not Teddy Roosevelt. Maybe he’s “Where’s Waldo.”
In a speech in Kansas, President Obama greeted his audience by saying it was great to be back in Texas…
…but Texas was glad he was in Kansas.
…because his Teleprompter was routed through Houston.
…when he meant to call it England.
A group of black activists has filed a brief against President Obama and the Democrat Party for its long history of racism and discrimination of the black community…
...here’s hoping that goes better then that slavery Reparations deal.
After Karl Rove blasted Donald Trump’s debate, Trump dismissed the comments saying Rove gave us Bush who crashed and burned and gave us Obama…
…pretty tough talk from a guy who combs his hair with a weed whacker.
…maybe we don’t need a debate. Maybe we need some duels.
Rosie O'Donnell announced she is getting married again…
…this will mark her second failed marriage.
…and that couple is registered at Sears.
A new report shows that the Library of Congress is saving all tweets forever in a massive database…
…so, keep it classy, Ashton.
…because you never know how historical all those Housewive tweets are going to be down the line.
…so we can continue to read about Alec Baldwin’s adventures for years to come.
…so future generations can study us through out tweets. Wow, I just made myself sick.
Alec Baldwin was removed from an American Airlines flight after refusing to turn off his iPad, being rude to the crew, calling them inappropriate names and using offensive language…
…that Alec, always for the working man.
…boy, and I thought sitting next to that crying baby was bad.
…so, which is worse? The crying baby or the big cry baby?
…and watching him, in a few months they’re being throwing him off planes for taking two seats.
…in other words, he treats them like they’re family or something.
…or as Alec Baldwin calls it, “Wednesday.”
…all part of his plan to get celebs back into private jets.
AMC announced the next season of “The Walking Dead” will return in February 2012…
…Which gives them lots of time to vote in the presidential election.
…or as the Democrats call it, “The Voting Dead.”
The NAACP is calling on the United Nations to intervene before the 2012 election claiming that new voter ID laws are racist…
…and we know how good the UN’s record is on monitoring elections is.
…so you know Jimmy Carter is sitting by his phone.
Illinois ex-governor Rod Blagojevich was sentenced to 14 years in prison for attempting to sell Barrack Obama’s former Senate seat. The judge originally wanted to give him the chair but then Blagojevich tried to sell it to the highest bidder.
A Frenchman has been ordered to pay his ex-wife thousands in damages for failing to have enough sex with her during their marriage…
…then I guess Dominique Strauss-Kahn will be getting a rebate, then.
…you mean the legal injunction was really foreplay?
…hey, now who has the headache.
…we’re assuming with her.
…way to go, Mrs. Strauss-Kahn.
According to the Wall Street Journal, NBC is talking to Ryan Seacreast to join "Today" as Matt Lauer's possible successor…
…why not? “Today” is barely in the news business anymore.
…apparently Brian Dunkleman was busy.
According to ABC News, the number of registered Democrats in battleground states for next year's election has dropped by nearly one million…
…which is why they are pushing the law to give the vote to Muppets.
Time magazine named the Occupy Wall Street protests as the top U.S. news story of 2011…
…because it included all their favorite other stories; rape, assault, theft and littering.
…which it is, unless you include stories that actually had a point.
…right after the story of the complete collapse of news magazines’ ability to pick a top U.S. story.
…it was a tie with the Kardashian divorce.
Former U.S. senator Jon Corzine told a House committee that he doesn't where clients' money is that went missing from failed investment firm MF Global…
…but then, he didn’t know where taxpayers’ money went when he was Senator.
Banfield Pet Hospital released its list of the top 25 dog names for 2011. The names include Bella, Max, Buddy and Helen Thomas.
Vladimir Putin is blaming Secretary of State Clinton for encouraging violent protests in his country, saying her criticism of Russia's election spurred demonstrators to take to the streets in Moscow and St. Petersburg for three straight nights…
…yeah, well check back with us in 3 months.
…you want to blame a prominent Democrat for encouraging protests? Get in line, Putin.
Jersey Shore star J-Woww is on the cover of Maxim magazine and she stated that it is probably her highest accomplishment. Sadly, no one can debate the point.
In testimony on Capitol Hill, Attorney General Eric Holder said that weapons lost during the failed "Fast and Furious" gun-running operation will continue to show up at crime scenes in the US and Mexico "for years to come." So, instantly Democrats introduced legislature for more gun control.
An Australian man has been sentenced to 500 lashes and a year in jail by a Saudi Arabian court after being found guilty of blasphemy…
…which was reduced from being tossed on the Barbie.
…but may only receive 250 for good behavior.
…and that was just on “The People’s Court.”
As of now, only two candidates, Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorium have confirmed that they will participate in Donald Trump’s proposed GOP debate…
…The others released statements saying they had this thing, you know, this thing to do that they hadda be at.
…so the debate will now be moderated by Ivanna Trump.
…so he sold it to someone else and made a nice profit on the deal.
Republicans have been attacking President Obama’s foreign affairs saying he’s practicing a policy of “appeasement”...
…the President responded by saying he bows to no man---except when he does.
A NASA audit shows that hundreds of samples of moon rocks have gone missing after being loaned out by the US space agency…
…well, sure, because they taste great on a cracker.
…first jobs disappear, now this.
The city of Charlotte, North Carolina is considering an ordinance that would prevent Occupy Wall Street camps during the 2012 Democratic National convention…
…not so fun when the Occupy is on the other foot.
…at which point they will be declared a Tea Party Protest and chased away.
A Congo opposition leader who was declared the loser of the country's election has told French television that he considers himself the new president…
…prompting President Obama to look into that strategy for 2012.
Donald Trump admitted he’s looking into canceling his GOP debate, saying the reason isn’t the lack of debaters, but because he still may run for President…
…ah, so the debate was just a plot to get everyone else to spill their secrets.
Tulsa police arrested a woman for attempting to make meth inside a Walmart…
… Good to see Walmart finally having something American made in it.
…wait! IS that what they were giving out samples of?