I had totally forgotten about this sketch. I re-read it and not to toot my own horn, it's pretty good. Now, you have to remember, TMI: Hollywood had a huge cast. It was strange to me that they didn't break the troupe up into groups to handle sketches with casts of 4 or 5. Instead, they insisted on sketches with big casts. And they had to have some heft to them, beyond just five pages. This sketch checked both boxes there, was topical and in the news (which was the format of TMI, it had to be a news item).
The parody is very much in a Mad/Cracked magazine manner. There's a lot going on and I think each cast member got a moment, both big and small. Frankly, I read this and I can't remember where some of the bits of business came from; the escalating tip, the Minotaur poop reference and the call-back to it. My brain amazes me sometimes.
Since Stranger Things is back on the radar with a record-breaking season 4 (spoiler alert: it's just a big build up to Season 5), I present:
DOMINO PIZZA GUY
MIKE, DUSTIN, LUCAS, and ELEVEN enter. They carry slingshots, rakes, flashlights, etc. They creep along.
MIKE: I can’t believe we made it into the Upside-Down.
DUSTIN: I can’t believe you talked us into this, Mike!
LUCAS: I can’t believe you thought it was a good idea, Dustin!
MIKE: Well, if you geniuses have a better way of saving Will, I’m open to suggestions, you dim-wads.
LUCAS: Well, maybe we need to get a friend you doesn’t keep getting lost in this horror-scape.
ELEVEN: Friends shouldn’t talk to friends like that.
MIKE: You’re right, Eleven. I’m sorry.
(Lucas and Dustin make kissy noises at Mike and Eleven.)
MIKE: Stop it. Those noises will only attract the Demogorgon. We have to be super careful.
DUSTIN: Totally. We say “totally” in the 1980s, right?
MIKE: So, everyone, quiet.
ELEVEN: I’m sensing something…
LUCAS: The Demogorgon?
DUSTIN: The smoke monster?
ELEVEN: Something else…not evil, just not very good.
(DOMINO PIZZA GUY enters.)
PIZZA GUY: Domino Pizza! Hey, I got a delivery here for one Domino Pizza!
ELEVEN: Is it frozen waffles?
PIZZA GUY: No, it’s pizza.
LUCAS: Well, Domino’s Pizza.
PIZZA GUY: Don’t be a snot-nose, kid.
DUSTIN: Why are you here?
PIZZA GUY: Look, Domino’s decided we’re going to deliver these things to beaches and parks and where ever, so, here I am. That’ll be $15.99.
MIKE: We didn’t order pizza.
DUSTIN: And we certainly don’t have 15 bucks.
PIZZA GUY: Well, sixteen. At least 18 with a tip.
DUSTIN: Yeah, well if we don’t have 15 dollars, we’re not about to have 18 dollars.
ELEVEN: I saved some hair from my last haircut.
(Eleven reaches into her pocket, Mike stops her from taking it out.)
PIZZA GUY: Look, they tell me to deliver a pizza to the Upside-Down, I deliver a pizza to the Upside-Down. I get here and you’re here, so excuse me for thinking it was your pizza.
LUCAS: What kind of pizza?
PIZZA GUY: (checking) Half pepperoni, half mushroom and slug.
DUSTIN: Sounds good.
MIKE: No it doesn’t.
DUSTIN: I was going to pick the slugs off.
ELEVEN: Could we get a pizza with frozen waffles on it?
LUCAS: Now I’m getting hungry.
MIKE: Stop, it Lucas! We can’t stop for pizza! We have to rescue Will!
PIZZA GUY: Also, you don’t have 19 dollars.
DUSTIN: Nineteen? I thought you said 18?
PIZZA GUY: Well, I’m figuring getting here is worth an extra dollar. Did you see all that web crap you have to cut through?
MIKE; Yes, we’re aware of the web-crap.
(JOYCE and NANCY enter. Joyce carries a string of Christmas Lights and her purse.)
JOYCE: Will? Will? Are you here, Will? Speak to me! Light up my lights!
PIZZA GUY: Wow, that’s like the worse Christmas display I’ve ever seen.
MIKE; What are you doing here, Mrs. Byers?
JOYCE; I’m looking for Will! Will!
NANCY: Also, we smelled pizza.
JOYCE: Will loves pizza. Will!
PIZZA GUY: So, is this your pizza? Did you order a delivery to the Upside-Down?
NANCY: I didn’t order pizza.
JOYCE: We only just got here by walking through that strange wardrobe in the evil laboratory.
PIZZA GUY; Wardrobe? I hate those things. Don’t get me started about that Narnia delivery. Tried to pay me in Minotaur poop.
LUCAS: No one’s asking.
NANCY: So, what kind of pizza?
PIZZA GUY: Do you have 20 dollars? Otherwise, what’s even the point of this topic of discussion?
DUSTIN: Twenty dollars???
PIZZA GUY: Shut up, kid.
JOYCE: (going through it) Good thing I brought my purse. Can you break a fifty?
PIZZA GUY: Sorry, no. All I have is Minotaur poop.
MIKE: What about Will, guys?
ELEVEN; What is pizza?
MIKE: Shut up, Eleven!
DUSTIN: Look, Will wouldn’t want us searching for him on an empty stomach.
LUCAS: No, he wasn’t that kind of kid.
JOYCE: No, he would never expect that of you!
BARB; Hey! What are you doing with my pizza?
NANCY: Barb! You’re alive!
BARB: If you call this living.
NANCY; But how?
BARB: Don’t even talk to me, Nancy. We’re done.
MIKE: You ordered the pizza? How did you order it?
BARB: I got an app.
LUCAS: App? You can’t have an app, this is the 1980s!
BARB: Yeah, yeah, it’s also the Upside-Down, so the rules don’t apply, Urkel. Where’s my pie?
PIZZA GUY: That’ll be 25 dollars.
(Pizza Guy points at Dustin to cut him off.)
BARB: Yeah, well, it took you longer than 30 minutes to deliver it, so I get it free. Hand it over!
PIZZA GUY: Rats! I knew I shouldn’t have cut through that field of rotten pumpkins.
(Barb walks off.)
NANCY: Barb! Wait!
BARB: No, I’m not sharing. Go back on your date with Ferris Bueller.
MIKE: (calling after her) Hey, did you happen to see Will around anywhere? What? Yes? No? Ok, fine, be that way.
NANCY: Wow. Being in the Upside-Down has made her hard.
JOYCE: I never liked her. Will!
PIZZA GUY: Great, just great. I hate this new policy. So, A—does anybody know how to get out of here? And B--anybody know how to get to… (checks order pad) Oz?
(A beat. Eleven raises her hand.)