From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
This was a fun, goofy script that I tried to keep going. I actually think I wrote it for the stage, but realized it would be a perfect radio sketch. PHC thought otherwise. I just liked the vibe of the sketch with its slight Python-airs, so but I circulated it around afterward back in its stage form. But never got it on it's feet. Oh, well.
ZOO LAYOFFS
(MA:Mayor, AD: Aide)
AD: Sir, these cuts in the city budget are going to hurt you in the polls.
MA: What can I do? The economy's not responding. I can't raise taxes any more. I can't close down firehouses or reduce services. This is the only way.
AD: It'll look bad, sir.
MA: Just send them in.
(Door opens, animal chattering starts)
MA: Hello. So glad you could see me on such short notice.
(monkey sounds)
MA: As you may know, the city has been hit hard by the economy and we're forced to cut back. The city zoo has to be closed.
(wolf howl)
MA: And I'm sorry, we're going to have to let you go.
(lion roar)
MA: Look, I don't like this any better than you. But I have a tough job and I'm going to do it. And frankly, of all my choices, you're the only ones who don't vote.
(crow caw)
MA: You can go back to you cages, gather your things and you'll be escorted out of the compound.
(chicken noises)
MA: Hey, look, you have nothing to gripe about. I don't know why we have chickens in the zoo. It's not like no one's never seen a chicken.
(cluck?)
MA: But the elephants..
(elephant trumpet)
MA: elk...
(elk groans)
MA: Tigers...
(roar)
MA: Those are zoo animals. Or used to be until the budget cuts. Where else in this city can you see the majestic moose...
(Moose noise)
MA: Or the wombats...
(shriek)
MA: Or the meerkats...
(sings a couple of bars of "Acoona Matata" from the "LION KING".)
MA: I love the chimps as much as the next man...
(chimps)
MA: That's why I even had a few in my administration. But you're all going to pack your trunks.
(elephant trumpet)
MA: Not literally. We can not afford the luxury of a zoo any further.
AD: Mr. Mayor.
MA: Yes?
AD: Couldn't we keep the zoo open a little bit longer, if we, you know, fed some of the smaller animals to some of the larger ones?
(worried clucking)
MA: You're right. It worked at the Department of Education.
AD: You know, people might be willing to pay extra to see that. Maybe even televise it. Sell the rights. Pay per view. Make it a real "Zoo Survivor" kind of thing. Get some corporate sponsors.
MA: You think?
AD: Hey, it's nature's way.
MA: Let's do it. All you animals, back to your stations. Let's movie it, creatures!
(animals shuffle off)
AD: That went well.
MA: Yes. Send in the sanitation workers.
end
AD: Sir, these cuts in the city budget are going to hurt you in the polls.
MA: What can I do? The economy's not responding. I can't raise taxes any more. I can't close down firehouses or reduce services. This is the only way.
AD: It'll look bad, sir.
MA: Just send them in.
(Door opens, animal chattering starts)
MA: Hello. So glad you could see me on such short notice.
(monkey sounds)
MA: As you may know, the city has been hit hard by the economy and we're forced to cut back. The city zoo has to be closed.
(wolf howl)
MA: And I'm sorry, we're going to have to let you go.
(lion roar)
MA: Look, I don't like this any better than you. But I have a tough job and I'm going to do it. And frankly, of all my choices, you're the only ones who don't vote.
(crow caw)
MA: You can go back to you cages, gather your things and you'll be escorted out of the compound.
(chicken noises)
MA: Hey, look, you have nothing to gripe about. I don't know why we have chickens in the zoo. It's not like no one's never seen a chicken.
(cluck?)
MA: But the elephants..
(elephant trumpet)
MA: elk...
(elk groans)
MA: Tigers...
(roar)
MA: Those are zoo animals. Or used to be until the budget cuts. Where else in this city can you see the majestic moose...
(Moose noise)
MA: Or the wombats...
(shriek)
MA: Or the meerkats...
(sings a couple of bars of "Acoona Matata" from the "LION KING".)
MA: I love the chimps as much as the next man...
(chimps)
MA: That's why I even had a few in my administration. But you're all going to pack your trunks.
(elephant trumpet)
MA: Not literally. We can not afford the luxury of a zoo any further.
AD: Mr. Mayor.
MA: Yes?
AD: Couldn't we keep the zoo open a little bit longer, if we, you know, fed some of the smaller animals to some of the larger ones?
(worried clucking)
MA: You're right. It worked at the Department of Education.
AD: You know, people might be willing to pay extra to see that. Maybe even televise it. Sell the rights. Pay per view. Make it a real "Zoo Survivor" kind of thing. Get some corporate sponsors.
MA: You think?
AD: Hey, it's nature's way.
MA: Let's do it. All you animals, back to your stations. Let's movie it, creatures!
(animals shuffle off)
AD: That went well.
MA: Yes. Send in the sanitation workers.
end
