From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
I've done a ton of "It's a Wonderful Life" parody. I love the movie, but, face it, after multiple viewings, you start to see the plot holes and odd bits of business. We have to recall that movies weren't really meant to be see a hundred times. You saw them in a theater when they were released, maybe again if they did a re-release. Once TV came onto the scene, suddenly movies were being seen a lot more frequently. And home video, DVDs to VOD and streaming, well you can catch every mistake old movies made. There are entire websites devoted to this. But, again, we do it out of love.
And face it, Wonderful Life covers a lot of territory and makes a lot of sly points. And as our history moves on, it's fun to take new events and work them into the frame work of a classic film. It's a solid, established foundation that can let you build upon with any goofy idea. Back then, some of George Bailey's behavior in the movie struck me as...unbalanced. How would he deal with some of his burdens in modern times? There's a pill for that. So, here's yet another updating of IAWL, written for PHC that got passed over. Merry Christmas you broken down old radio show!
And face it, Wonderful Life covers a lot of territory and makes a lot of sly points. And as our history moves on, it's fun to take new events and work them into the frame work of a classic film. It's a solid, established foundation that can let you build upon with any goofy idea. Back then, some of George Bailey's behavior in the movie struck me as...unbalanced. How would he deal with some of his burdens in modern times? There's a pill for that. So, here's yet another updating of IAWL, written for PHC that got passed over. Merry Christmas you broken down old radio show!
It's a Wonderful Pharmacy
(GK, GB: George Bailey, MG: Mr. Gower, MB: Mary)
GK: Later tonight, the American Pharmaceutical Board presents its version of the classic Christmas tale, "It's a Wonderful Life."
(dramatic music, wind blows)
GB: Lord, I'm not a praying man, but help me please, I don't know what to do. Help me.
(Harp crescendo)
MG: Hello, George. I'm here to help.
GB: Mr. Gower? What's the town pharmacist doing out here on this bridge?
MG: I'm the answer to your prayers, George.
GB: What do you mean? Are you some kind of angel?
MG: Hardly, George. But I do think we need to review your life. You're a moody guy, George Bailey. First, you're all excited about moving away. Then you can't, so you get all depressed. Then you get excited about helping people, then you just resent them. You push away Mary like you hate her, then you marry her. You get bummed out by giving away all your money during the bank run, then you start dancing and singing over the last two dollar bills. You love your sister-in-law, but resent your brother.
GB: What's your point?
MG: Just look at tonight; yelling at Uncle Willie. Yelling at your kids, then hugging them, then trashing the house. You apologize to the kids, then threaten them. You pick a fight with your daughter's teacher after tenderly putting your daughter to bed.
GB: Yeah, it's been quite the Christmas for the Baileys.
MG: You're a manic-depressive, George.
GB: Wait a second, say that again in my good ear.
MG: You're a manic-depressive. Maybe even bi-polar. Your brain chemistry is all pixelated.
GB: My brain chemistry, you say?
MG: Yeah, that's why you're out here on this bridge, ready to end it all. So I'm here to give you this.
GB: What's that?
MG: Prozac. It'll fix you right up.
GB: You're not just saying that, are you, Mr. Gower?
MG: I'm a pharmacist, George.
GB: Yeah, well, you almost poisoned that kid.
MG: Hey, hey, we agreed never to talk about that again.
GB: Fine, fine. Let me see that.
MG: Here's some water.
GB: Thanks. You been walking around with that all day?
MG: Pretty much.
GB: Goes down easy enough. That's it?
MG: Yes, sir. Now you're on the road to well-being. But if that don't work, I have some Zoloft or Felbatol ready to go.
MB: George! George! There you are!
GB: Mary! Is it you? Is it really you? It's so good to see you again. But not overly so.
MB: Everyone's been out looking for you! They've all pitched in to help. It's a miracle, George, a miracle!
GB: That's nice, dear.
MB: I must say, you seem a lot more reasonable.
GB: That's because I'm on drugs now, Mary.
(Bell tingles)
MB: What was that?
GB: Just an old, dear friend of mine. Every time a person walks into the pharmacy, someone gets drugs.
(Bell tingles)
(Auld Lange Syne plays)
GK: That's tonight, "It's a Wonderful Prescription" on the public radio network. Brought to you by the American Pharmaceutical Board which says, "Drugs, yeah, that'll work."
end
GK: Later tonight, the American Pharmaceutical Board presents its version of the classic Christmas tale, "It's a Wonderful Life."
(dramatic music, wind blows)
GB: Lord, I'm not a praying man, but help me please, I don't know what to do. Help me.
(Harp crescendo)
MG: Hello, George. I'm here to help.
GB: Mr. Gower? What's the town pharmacist doing out here on this bridge?
MG: I'm the answer to your prayers, George.
GB: What do you mean? Are you some kind of angel?
MG: Hardly, George. But I do think we need to review your life. You're a moody guy, George Bailey. First, you're all excited about moving away. Then you can't, so you get all depressed. Then you get excited about helping people, then you just resent them. You push away Mary like you hate her, then you marry her. You get bummed out by giving away all your money during the bank run, then you start dancing and singing over the last two dollar bills. You love your sister-in-law, but resent your brother.
GB: What's your point?
MG: Just look at tonight; yelling at Uncle Willie. Yelling at your kids, then hugging them, then trashing the house. You apologize to the kids, then threaten them. You pick a fight with your daughter's teacher after tenderly putting your daughter to bed.
GB: Yeah, it's been quite the Christmas for the Baileys.
MG: You're a manic-depressive, George.
GB: Wait a second, say that again in my good ear.
MG: You're a manic-depressive. Maybe even bi-polar. Your brain chemistry is all pixelated.
GB: My brain chemistry, you say?
MG: Yeah, that's why you're out here on this bridge, ready to end it all. So I'm here to give you this.
GB: What's that?
MG: Prozac. It'll fix you right up.
GB: You're not just saying that, are you, Mr. Gower?
MG: I'm a pharmacist, George.
GB: Yeah, well, you almost poisoned that kid.
MG: Hey, hey, we agreed never to talk about that again.
GB: Fine, fine. Let me see that.
MG: Here's some water.
GB: Thanks. You been walking around with that all day?
MG: Pretty much.
GB: Goes down easy enough. That's it?
MG: Yes, sir. Now you're on the road to well-being. But if that don't work, I have some Zoloft or Felbatol ready to go.
MB: George! George! There you are!
GB: Mary! Is it you? Is it really you? It's so good to see you again. But not overly so.
MB: Everyone's been out looking for you! They've all pitched in to help. It's a miracle, George, a miracle!
GB: That's nice, dear.
MB: I must say, you seem a lot more reasonable.
GB: That's because I'm on drugs now, Mary.
(Bell tingles)
MB: What was that?
GB: Just an old, dear friend of mine. Every time a person walks into the pharmacy, someone gets drugs.
(Bell tingles)
(Auld Lange Syne plays)
GK: That's tonight, "It's a Wonderful Prescription" on the public radio network. Brought to you by the American Pharmaceutical Board which says, "Drugs, yeah, that'll work."
end
