From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
I liked this bit a lot.
PHC had pitched its tent for its annual visit to New York City, my hometown. I really attempted to create some special bits for this, thinking I had some sort of home field advantage.
I assembled a menagerie of jokes and gags I had created over the years about NYC and winter and cobbled them together in a very (I thought) Keillor-esque manner. I could hear his voice slowly rolling out the lines, then the cast members coming back at him. It was just so...radio. But they didn't do it. I allowed my daily panic to taint all my writing interactions. I never enjoyed when they used something because I was always worried about next week when they might not. So, when they actually didn't, I became more aggravated.
PHC had pitched its tent for its annual visit to New York City, my hometown. I really attempted to create some special bits for this, thinking I had some sort of home field advantage.
I assembled a menagerie of jokes and gags I had created over the years about NYC and winter and cobbled them together in a very (I thought) Keillor-esque manner. I could hear his voice slowly rolling out the lines, then the cast members coming back at him. It was just so...radio. But they didn't do it. I allowed my daily panic to taint all my writing interactions. I never enjoyed when they used something because I was always worried about next week when they might not. So, when they actually didn't, I became more aggravated.
PHC still hasn't used my work, and I thought the NYC snow bit was perfect. What do I know?
As I said, I like this bit. It wasn't really transferable. Although I note in my journal that I would attempt to turn it into a prose piece for a online site that was attempting to create a "pay-per-click" readership (anyone remember ThemeStream? Now that place was a hoot and doomed to failure).
Winter in NYC
(GK, TR, SS, WM:Weatherman,
CO: Cashier, MR: Mister, BM: Businessman)
GK: Winter has arrived in New York City. Each night the darkness arrives a bit earlier. It's getting nippy, getting chilly. Now, normally New Yorkers are perceived as rough and tough...
TR: Hey, I'm walkin' here!
SS: What are you lookin' at??
TR: Do I amuse you?
GK: People who can handle hard times and hopeless situations...
(car horn)
TR: Could you move your little accident onto the sidewalks, please? I'm trying to get to work, here!
GK: But New Yorkers have an Achilles heel. They do have their kryptonite...
WM: And tonight's weather, we have clouds moving in with a chance of flurries---
SS: Flurries! Tony, wake up! The weather man said flurries!
TR: Flurries! Oh, jeez, I gotta get the snow tires on!
GK: Snow. Unlike their upstate brethren, urban folk don't deal well with snow---
SS: I saw a flake! Harry! Quick, go down to the deli and buy all the bread and milk you can! Go! Hurry!
GK: Snow strikes terror into the heart of the city dweller...
CO: I'm sorry, mister, this cash register is only 10 items or less.
MR: But it's only one item! Toilet paper!
CO: You have, like, 50 rolls of it.
MR: It's going to snow!
CO: Why didn't you say so!
(on loud speaker)
CO: Attention shoppers, it's going to snow. Please add 40% to all purchases.
GK: You have to remember, it was the blizzard of 1888 which terrorized New York into burying all its power lines, telephone wires and commuter trains. They just stuck them underground where the snows couldn't reach them...
TR: Dig faster, Stevie, faster! It smells like snow again!
GK: They panic. They truly do...
TR: Rock salt! I need rock salt!
SS: Jimmy, look, a sidewalk pretzel vendor!
TR: So?
SS: So, we'll buy all his pretzels and then scrape off all the salt!
TR: Genius!
GK: And once the snow actually begins falling, they go into red alert...
TR: (on phone) Yeah, Johnny, it's snowing! Get all the crews off garbage collection and into the snow plows pronto! Don't worry about the garbage. The snow'll cover it. It'll look pretty.
SS: Have they closed the schools? Have they closed the schools???
TR: The snow's getting all over my brand new SUV! Oh, the humanities!
GK: Only one breed seems immune to this weather whim. That's the busy business man. No matter the weather, temperature or wind chill factor, you'll see these business men walking the streets in nothing more than a business suit. No coat for him.
BM: That's right. I'm too busy and too important to be cold.
GK: But it must be 20 degrees out here. The wind chill is minus 14.
BM: I've got business to tend to. No time for cold. Coats, umbrellas, they only slow me down and gum up the works. On, off, open, close...time is money.
Gk: I understand that, but it's really cold out.
(cell phone rings)
BM: Excuse me, I have to take this. Hello. Yes. Authorize the trade. Make the bid. Get me that report. Oh, and I'll be 20 minutes late for the meeting. Yes. Apparently, my cell phone has become frozen to the side of my head. I'll be stopping off at the emergency room.
GK: Perhaps in the future New York may be able to throw off its asphalt shackles and its glass and steel cocoons to accept the season and embrace winter---
TR: Yo, embrace this!
SS: Hey, Radio Boy, I got your season right here!
GK: Or not.
end
CO: Cashier, MR: Mister, BM: Businessman)
GK: Winter has arrived in New York City. Each night the darkness arrives a bit earlier. It's getting nippy, getting chilly. Now, normally New Yorkers are perceived as rough and tough...
TR: Hey, I'm walkin' here!
SS: What are you lookin' at??
TR: Do I amuse you?
GK: People who can handle hard times and hopeless situations...
(car horn)
TR: Could you move your little accident onto the sidewalks, please? I'm trying to get to work, here!
GK: But New Yorkers have an Achilles heel. They do have their kryptonite...
WM: And tonight's weather, we have clouds moving in with a chance of flurries---
SS: Flurries! Tony, wake up! The weather man said flurries!
TR: Flurries! Oh, jeez, I gotta get the snow tires on!
GK: Snow. Unlike their upstate brethren, urban folk don't deal well with snow---
SS: I saw a flake! Harry! Quick, go down to the deli and buy all the bread and milk you can! Go! Hurry!
GK: Snow strikes terror into the heart of the city dweller...
CO: I'm sorry, mister, this cash register is only 10 items or less.
MR: But it's only one item! Toilet paper!
CO: You have, like, 50 rolls of it.
MR: It's going to snow!
CO: Why didn't you say so!
(on loud speaker)
CO: Attention shoppers, it's going to snow. Please add 40% to all purchases.
GK: You have to remember, it was the blizzard of 1888 which terrorized New York into burying all its power lines, telephone wires and commuter trains. They just stuck them underground where the snows couldn't reach them...
TR: Dig faster, Stevie, faster! It smells like snow again!
GK: They panic. They truly do...
TR: Rock salt! I need rock salt!
SS: Jimmy, look, a sidewalk pretzel vendor!
TR: So?
SS: So, we'll buy all his pretzels and then scrape off all the salt!
TR: Genius!
GK: And once the snow actually begins falling, they go into red alert...
TR: (on phone) Yeah, Johnny, it's snowing! Get all the crews off garbage collection and into the snow plows pronto! Don't worry about the garbage. The snow'll cover it. It'll look pretty.
SS: Have they closed the schools? Have they closed the schools???
TR: The snow's getting all over my brand new SUV! Oh, the humanities!
GK: Only one breed seems immune to this weather whim. That's the busy business man. No matter the weather, temperature or wind chill factor, you'll see these business men walking the streets in nothing more than a business suit. No coat for him.
BM: That's right. I'm too busy and too important to be cold.
GK: But it must be 20 degrees out here. The wind chill is minus 14.
BM: I've got business to tend to. No time for cold. Coats, umbrellas, they only slow me down and gum up the works. On, off, open, close...time is money.
Gk: I understand that, but it's really cold out.
(cell phone rings)
BM: Excuse me, I have to take this. Hello. Yes. Authorize the trade. Make the bid. Get me that report. Oh, and I'll be 20 minutes late for the meeting. Yes. Apparently, my cell phone has become frozen to the side of my head. I'll be stopping off at the emergency room.
GK: Perhaps in the future New York may be able to throw off its asphalt shackles and its glass and steel cocoons to accept the season and embrace winter---
TR: Yo, embrace this!
SS: Hey, Radio Boy, I got your season right here!
GK: Or not.
end
