One of the bits I found was a rejected skit I submitted in April 2000. As you are aware, PHC was first and foremost a radio show, a theater of the mind. And the cast and crew played mightily in that arena. Garrison Keillor would do entire sketches just about sound effects to give their sound effects guy, the late, great Tom Keith, a chance to shine. They were quite whimsical and silly. I found myself drawn to them and would write several of them, none of which made it to air.
Around this time, the big TV show was "Who Wants to Be A Millionaire" and there were weird game show rip-offs like "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire." That was my inspiration. I remember emailing the producer to ask if Tom Keith was married, because the ending tag kinda revolved on that fact, his wife demanding to know what was going on. I was told Keith wasn't married and dropped that part. Since the show was broadcasting from Town Hall in New York City, I gave it a New York flavor---which explains the Trump reference. As happy as I was with the piece, the fact is, I violated the first rule of writing for Keillor; I based the skit on pop culture, a TV show. He wouldn't get it.
As my motto is "Never throw anything out," I held on to those radio bits. Many years later, the Writers Guild of America, East, began a program to try and get radio dramas back on the air. They cut a deal with the local radio station, WNYC, and produced a number of episodes of a show called "Anything Goes." I pulled out and submitted some of my radio-intensive sketches rejected from PHC and a couple of them were produced for this new show during the summer of 2005.
I wasn't thrilled with the results. There's no sense of fun, the comic timing is off and there's no studio audience, so it's a bit ponderous as opposed to absurd. Oh, well. We'll file this under "What might have been." But I recorded it and I'm posting it here.
I've included the original script from the PHC version beneath.
WHO WANTS TO MARRY A SOUND EFFECTS GUY?
Mr. Keith and his chosen bride will then be married on the air and enjoy a fabulous honeymoon. They'll be flown to New York City...
(JET NOISES)
GK: ...By helicopter...
(CHOPPER NOISES)
GK: ...and parachute into traffic...
(WIND SOUNDS, HONKING HORNS)
GK: ...in front of the Grand Royal Trump Sheraton Hotel. After a royal reception...
(MOUTH TRUMPET)
GK ...The newlyweds will be whisked by horse-drawn carriage...
(HORSE HOOVES, SLOW TROT)
GK: ...I said "whisked"...
(HORSE HOOVES, GALLOP)
GK: ...to the opening of the new Broadway musical, "Riverdance Meets Stomp"...
(CLOGGING NOISES FOLLOWED BY TRASH CAN LID BANGING)
GK: ...then a quiet dinner at the obscenely expensive Chez Chaz...
(DINNER UTENSILS, PIANO MUSIC)
GK: ...Which presents the Mel Torme Experience, a nightly tribute to the late Velvet Fog...
(SCAT SINGING TO "THE CHRISTMAS SONG:)
GK: ...Next they'll join the cast of Cats at their closing night party...
(MEOWS AND HISSING)
GK: Then back into the horse-drawn carriage, to be taken downtown, against traffic...
(HORSE HOOVES, HONKING, CURSING AND CARS SKIDS)
GK: ...to the piers of the South Street Seaport to board the famous Pointless Cruise around Manhattan...
(SHIP HORNS, BELLS)
GK: ...Where they will see many of the famous landmarks of Manhattan from quite a far-away distance. Once in the harbor, they will challenge one of the Staten Island Ferry boats to a race to the The Verrazzano-Narrows Bridge and back...
(OPPOSING SHIP WHISTLES)
GK: ...Winner receiving Governor's Island.
TR: (British accent) 'ello, Guv'nor!
GK: Then the happy couple will be taken to their new home, a beach house at Breezy Point...
(WIND SOUNDS, WAVES CRASH, GULL SOUNDS)
GK: Where they will live out their days, in the manner of Kings...
(MOUTH TRUMPETS)
GK: No, the borough of Kings.
SS: (Brooklyn accent) Hey, yo!
GK: That's next week on "Who Wants to Marry a Sound Effects Guy" on most of these National Public Radio stations. Unless we come to our senses.
end