From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell "prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Here's one of those bits I had forgotten about. The show's season was winding down and I was pretty much putting every pet peeve of mine into a sketch. It didn't get picked, and I can't argue the point. It's a weird, angry little bit...
What are ya, Stupid?
(GK, SR: Sara, BB: Bob)
GK: As a public service, we'd like to present a new series of consumer education segments showing consumers how they are mis-using perfectly safe products. Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for:
TK: (echo) What are you, stupid?
GK: Today's installment, "Cell phone: Friend or Fiend?"
SR: Hi, Bob. Nice cell phone.
BB: Thanks, Sara. It's a beauty. Just like the one Harrison Ford used on "Air Force One."
SR: I can see. I wanted to get a cell phone, but I've heard about the dangers and that puts me off.
BB: Dangers? What Dangers?
SR: How cell phones are related to a growing number of car accidents, causing drivers to be inattentive. Why, many states are now outlawing the use of hand-held cell phones while driving.
BB: Sara, Sara, Sara. What are you, stupid? Cell phones are perfectly safe.
SR: But people have died.
BB: Cell phones don't kill people, Sara, people with cell phones kill people. We don't need state laws, we just need some good old fashion common sense.
SR: Common sense? What do you mean?
BB: Try only to use your cell phone at red lights or stop signs. Long stretches of lonely road. Or traffic jams. Don't get a cell phone with call waiting. Put all the numbers you dial into the memory, so you can dial with just one touch. Don't gesture excessively while talking. Or better yet, just get somebody else to drive you around. That's what I do!
SR: Oh, I see.
BB: Yes, with just a bit of common sense, we can keep Mr. Excessive Government at bay. I don't want the government telling me when and where I can make my personal calls.
(cell phone ring)
BB: Oh, pardon me, I have to take this. Hello? Hi, Stan. No, nothing much. What? What? You're breaking up---
SR: Do you think you should be doing that now?
BB: Why not?
SR: The other people in church seem annoyed.
BB: And?
SR: Well, the priest is glaring at you.
BB: Just like him.
SR: The widow looks a tad irked.
BB: Hey, people, do you mind? I'm on the phone here!
GK: Thanks for joining us for this week's...
TK: (echo) What are you, stupid?
GK: Next week, cigarettes.
end
