From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
This is a comedy trope now, the guy that can't say I love you to his woman. Not sure how much of one it was back in 2004, but I decided to take a crack at it as the show came up to Valentine's Day. I'm not a romantic guy, yet I have written quite a number of Valentine bits, to submit to PHC and an annual monologue festive that was held in NYC for a couple of years, that was themed around love. Anyway, this is a cute sketch, incredibly short, though. They passed on this piece.
Valentine's
(GY: Guy, GL: Gal OF: Offspring)
GY: Happy Valentine's Day, honey.
GL: Thank you, sweetie. I love you.
GY: And it's great having you around, too.
GL: Honey, I think we need to talk.
GY: What?
GL: It's that you never say "I love you."
GY: Sure I do.
GL: No, really, you don't. A girl likes to hear it now and then.
GY: You're so adorable when you're insecure.
GL: It's not that, it's just that...well, what do you think of NASCAR?
GY: I love NASCAR.
GL: Or the movie "Die Hard"?
GY: I love that movie.
GL: And what do you think of me?
GY: You have to ask?
GL: See? That's what I mean. You're willing to say you love NASCAR or movies or chili dogs--
GY: You know I love chili dogs.
GL: But you can't say it to your wife.
GY: What's your point?
GL: How can you say you love baseball but not me?
GY: Easy. They're not around. You are.
GL: Wait a second. Are you saying that if, say, Derek Jeter, was right here, you couldn't say "I love you" to him?
GY: No, that would be stupid.
GL: Or if a chili dog was set on a plate before you, you wouldn't say "I love you" to it?
GY: Come on, honey, that's just weird. Now you got me talking to food! You okay? Do I have to check the CO2 levels in the house?
GL: Oh, never mind!
(stomps out, door slam)
OF: Hey, daddy. What's wrong with Mom?
GL: Oh, she always gets emotional around St. Valentine's Day. That's why I love her. Now, who's in the mood for a chili dog?
OF: Me! Me!
end
GY: Happy Valentine's Day, honey.
GL: Thank you, sweetie. I love you.
GY: And it's great having you around, too.
GL: Honey, I think we need to talk.
GY: What?
GL: It's that you never say "I love you."
GY: Sure I do.
GL: No, really, you don't. A girl likes to hear it now and then.
GY: You're so adorable when you're insecure.
GL: It's not that, it's just that...well, what do you think of NASCAR?
GY: I love NASCAR.
GL: Or the movie "Die Hard"?
GY: I love that movie.
GL: And what do you think of me?
GY: You have to ask?
GL: See? That's what I mean. You're willing to say you love NASCAR or movies or chili dogs--
GY: You know I love chili dogs.
GL: But you can't say it to your wife.
GY: What's your point?
GL: How can you say you love baseball but not me?
GY: Easy. They're not around. You are.
GL: Wait a second. Are you saying that if, say, Derek Jeter, was right here, you couldn't say "I love you" to him?
GY: No, that would be stupid.
GL: Or if a chili dog was set on a plate before you, you wouldn't say "I love you" to it?
GY: Come on, honey, that's just weird. Now you got me talking to food! You okay? Do I have to check the CO2 levels in the house?
GL: Oh, never mind!
(stomps out, door slam)
OF: Hey, daddy. What's wrong with Mom?
GL: Oh, she always gets emotional around St. Valentine's Day. That's why I love her. Now, who's in the mood for a chili dog?
OF: Me! Me!
end
