From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Every so often, PHC would travel to Ocean Grove, New Jersey, which is part of the Jersey short. They would do the show from this huge, old auditorium built right on the beach. Again, since he was approaching my neck of the woods, I pulled out a Jersey shore sketch that I had written. I have written about this sketch before as it was preformed by the comedy troupe Style Without Substance. It's a funny sketch and did well in front of audiences. It was a long shot getting PHC to do it. It's not appealing to his demographics at all. And GK doesn't strike me as a beach-guy. But, it was the Jersey shore (I changed the title from "at the beach" to "at the shore"), it was funny and I pulled out the sight gags for radio, so why not?
Us Guys at the Shore
(JO:Joe, HA: Harry, LA: Lars, G1: Girl, SA: Sally, NY: Nancy)
(Bruce Springsteen ballad playing)
GK: Summers at the Jersey Shore is a rite of passage for many a male living in the Northeast. Asbury Park, Bradley Beach, Wildwood, Belmar, Long Beach Island, Ocean Grove, okay, not so much Ocean Grove, are where the summer days are made for the beach and summer nights are made for summer flings.
(seagulls caw, waves break. Us guys enter, all nerdy, cracking voices.)
JO: Yo, guys, here we are, the Jersey shore!
HA: Yeah!
LA: Yeah!
JO: And what are us guys gonna do?
HA: Have sex!
JO: And who are us guys gonna have it with?
LA: Girls!
(they laugh and whoop)
HA: What should we do now?
LA: I'm hungry.
JO: We got a beach full of beautiful girls smothered in coco butter, Lars. How can you think of food now?
HA: Joe's right. We should try to have as much sex as possible before we eat. Otherwise, I think we could get cramps.
JO: Yeah. Later we can go out and have a food fight or something.
LA: I'm still hungry.
HA: There's a girl. Let's try her!
JO: No, no, Harry. We said only blondes.
HA: Oh, right. I forgot.
LA: There's one, Joe. By the hot dog stand.
HA: She's blonde.
JO: And she's a girl.
ALL: Yeah!
JO: Let's go!
HA: Wait a second, she's coming this way!
LA: She's got a hot dog. She's coming awfully close.
G1: Excuse me, do you have the time?
JO: Uh, yeah, it's...twelve fifteen.
G1: Thank you.
LA: She's gone.
JO: Oh, nuts. I should have said, "Sure, you got the place?"
HA: Yeah, yeah. Then she'd tell you about the bungalow she's sharing with some other girls.
JO: Oh, yeah! Then we'd go over there and make out like bandits!
ALL: Yeah!
JO: We'll be ready next time.
HA: Lots more girls where she came from.
LA: There's a redhead at the snack bar.
JO: He's right! Look at the bosoms on that one!
HA: I better not. I heard you could go blind.
JO: No, that's only if you do it with a prostitute.
HA: Oh, right. I forgot. Yeah. Look at the bosoms on that one!
LA: She's got an ice cream cone. A chocolate and vanilla twist! She's coming this way!
NY: Sally, over here!
SA: Hi, Nancy.
HA: Oh, wow! Another girl! I didn't even see that one coming! What are you gonna do?
LA: She's a brunette.
JO: Shut up, Lars. What are we gonna do?
HA: Maybe we should go put the make on them?
JO: But there's only two of them.
HA: What do we do now?
JO: Here, Lars, go get a hot dog.
LA: Thanks!
HA: This is perfect. Great. We got it made now!
SA: Gosh, Nancy, you see any boys we can have sex with?
NY: Nobody who means my standards. I mean I don't think anyone here could keep up with me.
SA: Maybe. But I still want a virgin. It's a good feeling to know you're the first.
NY: You think with all these college guys here we could find someone. Anyone.
SA: Let's keep looking.
HA: They're gone! Why didn't you say something?
JO: I thought you were going to!
HA: Did you hear that?
JO: College guys!
HA: Sex!
JO: Virgins!
ALL: Yeah!
HA: Was it good for you, too?
JO: You bet!
LA: I'm back guys. You almost finished? My folks'll be here soon to pick us up.
HA: You missed it, Lars!
JO: These two nymphomaniacs were on the beach! Having sex with college virgins!
LA: Really?
HA: Yeah!
LA: And I missed it! Aw! Why didn't you call me?
JO: No time! It happened too fast!
LA: Aw, nuts!
HA: Sorry, Lars, but you know how these things go.
LA: Yeah, I guess.
JO: Don't worry, Lars. Next time around, it'll be all us guys or nothing!
HA: Yeah!
(Car horn)
LA: Oh, my folks are here!
HA: Yeah, I guess we better get going.
JO: And how! Us guys can only take so much in one day. It's going to be a long summer!
ALL: Yeah!
GK: This message brought to you by the New Jersey Beach Association which reminds you, come to the Jersey Shore...we're needle free!
end
(Bruce Springsteen ballad playing)
GK: Summers at the Jersey Shore is a rite of passage for many a male living in the Northeast. Asbury Park, Bradley Beach, Wildwood, Belmar, Long Beach Island, Ocean Grove, okay, not so much Ocean Grove, are where the summer days are made for the beach and summer nights are made for summer flings.
(seagulls caw, waves break. Us guys enter, all nerdy, cracking voices.)
JO: Yo, guys, here we are, the Jersey shore!
HA: Yeah!
LA: Yeah!
JO: And what are us guys gonna do?
HA: Have sex!
JO: And who are us guys gonna have it with?
LA: Girls!
(they laugh and whoop)
HA: What should we do now?
LA: I'm hungry.
JO: We got a beach full of beautiful girls smothered in coco butter, Lars. How can you think of food now?
HA: Joe's right. We should try to have as much sex as possible before we eat. Otherwise, I think we could get cramps.
JO: Yeah. Later we can go out and have a food fight or something.
LA: I'm still hungry.
HA: There's a girl. Let's try her!
JO: No, no, Harry. We said only blondes.
HA: Oh, right. I forgot.
LA: There's one, Joe. By the hot dog stand.
HA: She's blonde.
JO: And she's a girl.
ALL: Yeah!
JO: Let's go!
HA: Wait a second, she's coming this way!
LA: She's got a hot dog. She's coming awfully close.
G1: Excuse me, do you have the time?
JO: Uh, yeah, it's...twelve fifteen.
G1: Thank you.
LA: She's gone.
JO: Oh, nuts. I should have said, "Sure, you got the place?"
HA: Yeah, yeah. Then she'd tell you about the bungalow she's sharing with some other girls.
JO: Oh, yeah! Then we'd go over there and make out like bandits!
ALL: Yeah!
JO: We'll be ready next time.
HA: Lots more girls where she came from.
LA: There's a redhead at the snack bar.
JO: He's right! Look at the bosoms on that one!
HA: I better not. I heard you could go blind.
JO: No, that's only if you do it with a prostitute.
HA: Oh, right. I forgot. Yeah. Look at the bosoms on that one!
LA: She's got an ice cream cone. A chocolate and vanilla twist! She's coming this way!
NY: Sally, over here!
SA: Hi, Nancy.
HA: Oh, wow! Another girl! I didn't even see that one coming! What are you gonna do?
LA: She's a brunette.
JO: Shut up, Lars. What are we gonna do?
HA: Maybe we should go put the make on them?
JO: But there's only two of them.
HA: What do we do now?
JO: Here, Lars, go get a hot dog.
LA: Thanks!
HA: This is perfect. Great. We got it made now!
SA: Gosh, Nancy, you see any boys we can have sex with?
NY: Nobody who means my standards. I mean I don't think anyone here could keep up with me.
SA: Maybe. But I still want a virgin. It's a good feeling to know you're the first.
NY: You think with all these college guys here we could find someone. Anyone.
SA: Let's keep looking.
HA: They're gone! Why didn't you say something?
JO: I thought you were going to!
HA: Did you hear that?
JO: College guys!
HA: Sex!
JO: Virgins!
ALL: Yeah!
HA: Was it good for you, too?
JO: You bet!
LA: I'm back guys. You almost finished? My folks'll be here soon to pick us up.
HA: You missed it, Lars!
JO: These two nymphomaniacs were on the beach! Having sex with college virgins!
LA: Really?
HA: Yeah!
LA: And I missed it! Aw! Why didn't you call me?
JO: No time! It happened too fast!
LA: Aw, nuts!
HA: Sorry, Lars, but you know how these things go.
LA: Yeah, I guess.
JO: Don't worry, Lars. Next time around, it'll be all us guys or nothing!
HA: Yeah!
(Car horn)
LA: Oh, my folks are here!
HA: Yeah, I guess we better get going.
JO: And how! Us guys can only take so much in one day. It's going to be a long summer!
ALL: Yeah!
GK: This message brought to you by the New Jersey Beach Association which reminds you, come to the Jersey Shore...we're needle free!
end
