From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
People have forgotten (or ignore) what a object of ridicule Donald Trump was before he ever ran for office. SNL was mocking him back in the Phil Hartman days. By the 2000s, he was on "The Apprentice" and a regular target for Darrell Hammond. And we were piling on, too. I wrote up this piece about Trump after he announced some golf course was opening. I wrote the radio sketch and after PHC passed on it, I adapted it for Cracked magazine. The timing is close, the sketch is from February 2004 and it was in Cracked #364, which is dated September 2004, but usually comes out a month or two earlier. Cracked didn't have a long lead time, so if I re-wrote quickly enough, Cracked could have grabbed it quickly. They were kind of desperate for material during this era. It maybe have been too pop-culture-y for GK. Or Trump simply wasn't on Keillor's radar yet. I don't remember if they had done any Trump-related material back then. Nonetheless, here's the version I submitted to PHC:
Trump Golf
(GK, DT: Donald Trump, TW: Tiger Woods, WE: Wildlife Expert, GF: Golfer
GK: And we'll be back after this word from our newest sponsor, Trump Golf.
DT: Hi, I'm Donald Trump but you can call me the Donald. I don't know why, it's just what people do. Anyway, I'm here to show you my latest enterprise. I've built a golf course. But not just any golf course, a Trump golf course. Like anything else with the Trump name, it'll be bigger, flashier, more dazzling, and with the worst comb-over than anything in your mealy little lives. Come with me down as we visit Trump Golf.
(motor sounds)
DT: This course is the biggest course ever built! It's the size of a small eastern seaboard state. It'll take you a week to complete the course. The first tee is a par 72. We have our own zip code. And mail can be forwarded to you during play.
GF: Fore! Fore! Fore!
(motor sounds)
DT: You won't travel by some lame golf cart. No, at Trump Golf, you'll be chauffeured to each hole by a luxurious stretch limo, containing all the amenities any golfer would need, like chilled champagne,
(bottle pop)
DT: Some sushi and a ball washer.
DT: Our caddies are all professional golfers, like Ben Crane, Adam Scott, Suzy Whaley and Tiger Woods.
TW: Hi, boss.
DT: What did I say to call me, Tiger?
TW: Hi, the Donald.
DT: Hi, yourself. These caddies are at your beck and call to provide you with the perfect advice for every shot. In fact, they'll even take the shot for you, if need be.
(golf swing, ball hit)
GT: Wow, I hit that great! Thanks.
TW: You're welcome, sir.
DT: On the 7th hole, you'll shoot your ball through a windmill. But not some dinky toy windmill, but a real authentic windmill I imported from Holland or the Netherlands or one of those countries.
DT: Here, come look at this green. See that? Each cup is the size of a manhole, so everyone can get a hole-in-one. Hey, for the amount of money you'll be paying to play here, it's the least I could do.
DT: You want water hazards? You know I got `em! We flew in and installed the Great Salt Lake from Utah. Those Mormons couldn't get rid of it fast enough!
(splash, show music starts)
DT: Of course, at the completion of each hole, there's a dynamite musical show featuring the best looking show girls. I oughta know, I dated most of them! And as you finish the 18th hole, you'll enjoy a spectacular fireworks display.
(explosions, oohs and aaahs)
DT: Need a break after nine holes? Then stop by the Trump Golf Mall, featuring a Cinnabuns, Starbucks, and many specialty shops which carrying my new line of Trump Golf wear. And since the course is build over sacred Indian burial grounds, there's a casino, with the loosest slots in the state.
(jungle sounds.)
DT: If you hit your ball into the rough, it'll be unlike any rough you've ever hit into before. Our wooded areas have been stocked with the most exotic animals from around the world. But fear not, we have the wildlife experts to keep them under control.
WE: Crikey!
DT: So if you want a foursome with more some, come on down to Trump Golf for the holes of your life. It's not golf, it's Trump Golf.
GK: Trump Golf, it's built over ancient Indian burial grounds featuring the best all-you-can-eat buffet.
end
GK: And we'll be back after this word from our newest sponsor, Trump Golf.
DT: Hi, I'm Donald Trump but you can call me the Donald. I don't know why, it's just what people do. Anyway, I'm here to show you my latest enterprise. I've built a golf course. But not just any golf course, a Trump golf course. Like anything else with the Trump name, it'll be bigger, flashier, more dazzling, and with the worst comb-over than anything in your mealy little lives. Come with me down as we visit Trump Golf.
(motor sounds)
DT: This course is the biggest course ever built! It's the size of a small eastern seaboard state. It'll take you a week to complete the course. The first tee is a par 72. We have our own zip code. And mail can be forwarded to you during play.
GF: Fore! Fore! Fore!
(motor sounds)
DT: You won't travel by some lame golf cart. No, at Trump Golf, you'll be chauffeured to each hole by a luxurious stretch limo, containing all the amenities any golfer would need, like chilled champagne,
(bottle pop)
DT: Some sushi and a ball washer.
DT: Our caddies are all professional golfers, like Ben Crane, Adam Scott, Suzy Whaley and Tiger Woods.
TW: Hi, boss.
DT: What did I say to call me, Tiger?
TW: Hi, the Donald.
DT: Hi, yourself. These caddies are at your beck and call to provide you with the perfect advice for every shot. In fact, they'll even take the shot for you, if need be.
(golf swing, ball hit)
GT: Wow, I hit that great! Thanks.
TW: You're welcome, sir.
DT: On the 7th hole, you'll shoot your ball through a windmill. But not some dinky toy windmill, but a real authentic windmill I imported from Holland or the Netherlands or one of those countries.
DT: Here, come look at this green. See that? Each cup is the size of a manhole, so everyone can get a hole-in-one. Hey, for the amount of money you'll be paying to play here, it's the least I could do.
DT: You want water hazards? You know I got `em! We flew in and installed the Great Salt Lake from Utah. Those Mormons couldn't get rid of it fast enough!
(splash, show music starts)
DT: Of course, at the completion of each hole, there's a dynamite musical show featuring the best looking show girls. I oughta know, I dated most of them! And as you finish the 18th hole, you'll enjoy a spectacular fireworks display.
(explosions, oohs and aaahs)
DT: Need a break after nine holes? Then stop by the Trump Golf Mall, featuring a Cinnabuns, Starbucks, and many specialty shops which carrying my new line of Trump Golf wear. And since the course is build over sacred Indian burial grounds, there's a casino, with the loosest slots in the state.
(jungle sounds.)
DT: If you hit your ball into the rough, it'll be unlike any rough you've ever hit into before. Our wooded areas have been stocked with the most exotic animals from around the world. But fear not, we have the wildlife experts to keep them under control.
WE: Crikey!
DT: So if you want a foursome with more some, come on down to Trump Golf for the holes of your life. It's not golf, it's Trump Golf.
GK: Trump Golf, it's built over ancient Indian burial grounds featuring the best all-you-can-eat buffet.
end
