From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
What with Halloween approaching, I was obligated to come up with a Halloween sketch. What I did here was take a lot of bits and pieces, jokes and routines along with some one-liners and observations I've had over the years and cobbled them into a radio bit. Garrison talking with some Trick or Treaters, who really don't get it. I thought it was a solid PHC bit. No one else did. I may have worked some things into another long form piece, I don't recall right now, but here's my tribute to Halloween 2002...
Trick or Treat
GK, Kid 1, Kid 2
(door bell)
GK: Now who could that be? Yes?
KD: Trick or Treat.
GK: Aren't you a little old for trick or treating?
K1: You're never too old for free candy.
GK: I know you, you're those young hooligans from down the street.
K1: That's not us.
GK: Then why are you carrying shaving cream?
K2: In case we have to shave.
GK: You were the ones who handed out those apples with the dried grapes stuck in them.
K2: That's true, due to a miscommunication, we made about a dozen apples with RAISINS in them. It really hurt our image.
K1: Although they were quite tasty.
GK: Yes, actually they were, But it was still not nice.
K2: Whatever. So, do you have candy or don't you?
GK: It is late, let's see what's left....Hmmm, some peanut-flavored taffy, generic lollipops, some supermarket brand bubble gum and packets of sugar from the diner.
K1: Sugar packets?
GK: Sort of like square, dye free Pixie sticks.
K2: We're looking for candy in the chocolate food group.
GK: You're about an hour too late.
K1: You gave it all away?
GK: No, actually, I pretty much finished them off myself. Not many kids tonight. A lot of kids were too scared to go trick or treating this year. Something really spooked them.
K2: What spooked them so bad?
GK: The local church. Claims Halloween is a Satanic ritual. Every piece of candy is another soul for Satan.
K1: That could suck the fun right out of it.
GK: That and the heavy metal music.
K2: Bummer.
GK: I try to be open minded. Just because you wear black, and have t-shirts with skulls on them and are heavily pierced and listen to rap music doesn't mean you worship Satan.
K1: No, we don't worship Satan.
K2: We just admire him.
GK: I see.
K1: So, no candy?
GK: Sorry. Try again next year.
K2: Okay. We're going to just TP your house now, then.
GK: With what?
K1: These boxes of TP.
GK: That's tissue paper.
K1: Right.
GK: TP means toilet paper. How do you plan to put tissue paper all over my house?
K2: We brought some tape.
GK: So, you're going to stand around and tape sheets of tissue paper to my house.
K2: Yeah. It's duct tape.
GK: You're supposed to use toilet paper and simply throw the rolls into the air, draping everything in paper.
K1: That sounds easy.
GK: It is. Or so I hear. You guys really need to read up on this stuff.
K1: Read?
GK: Well, ask someone, at least. Try again next year.
K1: I guess.
K2: Bye now.
GK: Happy Halloween.
end
(door bell)
GK: Now who could that be? Yes?
KD: Trick or Treat.
GK: Aren't you a little old for trick or treating?
K1: You're never too old for free candy.
GK: I know you, you're those young hooligans from down the street.
K1: That's not us.
GK: Then why are you carrying shaving cream?
K2: In case we have to shave.
GK: You were the ones who handed out those apples with the dried grapes stuck in them.
K2: That's true, due to a miscommunication, we made about a dozen apples with RAISINS in them. It really hurt our image.
K1: Although they were quite tasty.
GK: Yes, actually they were, But it was still not nice.
K2: Whatever. So, do you have candy or don't you?
GK: It is late, let's see what's left....Hmmm, some peanut-flavored taffy, generic lollipops, some supermarket brand bubble gum and packets of sugar from the diner.
K1: Sugar packets?
GK: Sort of like square, dye free Pixie sticks.
K2: We're looking for candy in the chocolate food group.
GK: You're about an hour too late.
K1: You gave it all away?
GK: No, actually, I pretty much finished them off myself. Not many kids tonight. A lot of kids were too scared to go trick or treating this year. Something really spooked them.
K2: What spooked them so bad?
GK: The local church. Claims Halloween is a Satanic ritual. Every piece of candy is another soul for Satan.
K1: That could suck the fun right out of it.
GK: That and the heavy metal music.
K2: Bummer.
GK: I try to be open minded. Just because you wear black, and have t-shirts with skulls on them and are heavily pierced and listen to rap music doesn't mean you worship Satan.
K1: No, we don't worship Satan.
K2: We just admire him.
GK: I see.
K1: So, no candy?
GK: Sorry. Try again next year.
K2: Okay. We're going to just TP your house now, then.
GK: With what?
K1: These boxes of TP.
GK: That's tissue paper.
K1: Right.
GK: TP means toilet paper. How do you plan to put tissue paper all over my house?
K2: We brought some tape.
GK: So, you're going to stand around and tape sheets of tissue paper to my house.
K2: Yeah. It's duct tape.
GK: You're supposed to use toilet paper and simply throw the rolls into the air, draping everything in paper.
K1: That sounds easy.
GK: It is. Or so I hear. You guys really need to read up on this stuff.
K1: Read?
GK: Well, ask someone, at least. Try again next year.
K1: I guess.
K2: Bye now.
GK: Happy Halloween.
end
