From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
This is a quirky bit that I stole from myself. There's a scene in a screenplay I wrote, "The Importance of being Ernie" (or "I was a Teenage Screenplay writer"), that had this scene it it. It was a brazen attempt to update Abbott & Costello wordplay into the newer slang...well, the newer slang, circ. 2000s, which is really 1990s when I originally wrote the scene. It was a set piece which I could easily copy and paste elsewhere. Which is what I did, essentially. I don't recall where the premise set-up came from, if that was based on some real-life rumors that were floating around at the time or not. But it's a simple bit of silliness that didn't stand a chance at PHC. So, here it is, as seen in "The Importance of being Ernie," Translating Youth:
Translating Youth
GK: I'm sure you heard the news where I was contemplating an offer made to me from Missouri Public radio, which has been attempting to lure me away from Minnesota Public Radio, but it would have meant them bumping "Almost Mozart" from their schedule. I didn't want to be responsible for that, so I'm remaining here at MPR. But as a concession, we've been asked to try to broaden our "youth appeal." So, we've brought in an expert in "youth speak" who will be helping us out. Here's Jason Keller.
JK: Word.
GK: Word?
JK: Word up.
GK: Very good. Already I can feel our demographics expanding. Any advice thus far?
JK: Don't use words like "thus far."
GK: Avoid words.
JK: Word.
GK: Indeed.
JK: That word, too.
GK: What word?
JK: Indeed.
GK: Indeed?
JK: Word.
GK: We've had you reviewing our script and we have a sketch coming up later where a man and woman meet cute, really cute.
JK: Wicked.
GK: I see you've made some notes.
JK: Dude, this Lance and Jane sketch here, where they first meet...
GK: That's a funny scene, where the man says "This girl was great!"
JK: He wouldn't say it like that, dude.
GK: Okay, how would he say it?
JK: He'd say, "She was stoopid and bad!"
GK: No, Lance likes the girl.
JK: Right.
GK: But you just called her stupid.
JK: Stoopid is good.
GK: Stoopid is good?
JK: Yes. It's dope.
GK: Dope is good? I though dope was bad.
JK It is!
GK: Then what is bad?
JK: Bad is good.
GK: It is?
JK: It's off the hook.
GK: And that's bad.
JK: Wicked bad.
GK: I don't know if we want to be that bad.
JK: Okay, then Lance could say she was "phat."
GK: So you meet a girl you like and tell her she's fat and stupid?
JK: Yes.
GK: No wonder you don't date much.
JK: What a dope.
GK: Excellent!
end
JK: Word.
GK: Word?
JK: Word up.
GK: Very good. Already I can feel our demographics expanding. Any advice thus far?
JK: Don't use words like "thus far."
GK: Avoid words.
JK: Word.
GK: Indeed.
JK: That word, too.
GK: What word?
JK: Indeed.
GK: Indeed?
JK: Word.
GK: We've had you reviewing our script and we have a sketch coming up later where a man and woman meet cute, really cute.
JK: Wicked.
GK: I see you've made some notes.
JK: Dude, this Lance and Jane sketch here, where they first meet...
GK: That's a funny scene, where the man says "This girl was great!"
JK: He wouldn't say it like that, dude.
GK: Okay, how would he say it?
JK: He'd say, "She was stoopid and bad!"
GK: No, Lance likes the girl.
JK: Right.
GK: But you just called her stupid.
JK: Stoopid is good.
GK: Stoopid is good?
JK: Yes. It's dope.
GK: Dope is good? I though dope was bad.
JK It is!
GK: Then what is bad?
JK: Bad is good.
GK: It is?
JK: It's off the hook.
GK: And that's bad.
JK: Wicked bad.
GK: I don't know if we want to be that bad.
JK: Okay, then Lance could say she was "phat."
GK: So you meet a girl you like and tell her she's fat and stupid?
JK: Yes.
GK: No wonder you don't date much.
JK: What a dope.
GK: Excellent!
end
