From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Okay, back to Shakespeare! These skits have been a running theme for me since college. It started with Abbott & Othello and just grew from there. I managed to get The Three Stooges of Verona on its feet but none of the others. So, I pitched them to the gang at PHC.
I thought with the success of Abbott & Othello, they might be receptive to another sequel. They weren't. Again, somewhat pop culture, maybe too long, a kinda big cast of characters, perhaps no one could do a decent Dean Martin, who knows?
I attempted to break the skit up to follow their production of Abbott & Othello; mouth trumpets, breaking up the skit with GK pronouncements and such, making it a commercial for a show coming up afterward, but it didn't pan out. I was so disappointed that I didn't even bother to write "Here's Another Fine Tempest" that may or may not have played better on radio.
I thought with the success of Abbott & Othello, they might be receptive to another sequel. They weren't. Again, somewhat pop culture, maybe too long, a kinda big cast of characters, perhaps no one could do a decent Dean Martin, who knows?
I attempted to break the skit up to follow their production of Abbott & Othello; mouth trumpets, breaking up the skit with GK pronouncements and such, making it a commercial for a show coming up afterward, but it didn't pan out. I was so disappointed that I didn't even bother to write "Here's Another Fine Tempest" that may or may not have played better on radio.
The Nutty Merchant of Venice
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(GK, SY: Shylock, LT: Lancelot, ML: Milady, AN: Antonio.
GK: Coming up later on many of these public radio stations, a new production of William Shakespeare's lost classic, "The Nutty Merchant of Venice."
(MOUTH TRUMPETS)
ML: Gentlemen, tell me anon, what are the terms of Shylock's bond?
AN: (DEAN MARTIN) Oh, milady, a loan of three thousand ducats for three months was our deal. And he extracts a pound of my flesh should my payments fail.
LT: (Jerry Lewis) Not to mention the penalties for early withdrawal.
ML: Be still, Lancelot. Come, Antonio, what hast thou to say on the matter?
AN: (MARTIN, singing) Everybody owes somebody sometime.
Everybody needs to spare a dime.
Whether you be Jew or Gentile--
LT: (LEWIS) It's ment-tile to try...
GK: The long-lost early draft of "The Merchant of Venice," written before Shakespeare took those all-important writing classes.
LT: (LEWIS) Milay-deeeee! Hey, milady!!!
AN: (MARTIN) Will you settle down, Lancelot!
LT: (LEWIS) Fine! It's no skin off my nose!
AN: (MARTIN) No, it may be off mine!
GK: The manuscript was recently unearthed. Literally. It was in a leather pouch, wrapped in linens, packed in a wooden crate, buried in a hole and covered with rocks and planks. So we're assuming it wasn't accidentally lost. And you'll see why...
ML: Shylock says he shall have his pound of flesh. You made a deal-th.
LT: Maybe you can let Antonio get sunburn and collect it as he peel-th.
AN: Hark! Shylock approachth!
SY: Antonio! The money is due today and you have it not. You attempt to cheat me for I am but a Jew! Hath not a Jew eyes? If you tickle us, do we not laugh?
(Lancelot giggles)
LT: Stop it, you crazy.
SY: If you prick us, do we not bleed?
(violin plink)
LT: Owww! That hurt!
AN: Oh, I get it! If I clunk you, do you not grimace?
(A Clunk)
LT: Hey!
AN: If I twist your nose, are you not irked?
(RATCHET SOUNDS)
LT: Hey, hey!
SY: If you poison us, do we not die?
LT: All right, all right, we get the point!
GK: "The Nutty Merchant of Venice," featuring the original "telethon" ending:
LT: I have to get serious with you people out here today. We're here for my friend. We can prevent a serious miscarriage of justice. We need your money urgently. You must giveth. Giveth until it hurts. Then you must giveth more. With your contributions we can do it. Call, make that pledge!
AN: Let's look at the tote board.
LT: Timpani! Do it!
(Drum roll)
LT:Three thousand ducats! Yea! All right, we did it! Thanks to you. All of you. And I mean that, After all, the quality of mercy is not strained. It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath, so---(singing)Walk on, walk on
with a song in your heart and you'll never walk
alone. You'll never walk a---(chokes up)
(Mouth trumpets)
GK: That's later tonight Shakepeare's "The Nutty Merchant of Venice" along with a command performance of "I Love Lucy's Labour Lost". On most of these Public Radio Stations.
(MOUTH TRUMPETS)
END
