From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
As March approaches, we were deep into award season. You had the Emmys, the Tonys, the Grammys, so why not the Noisys? It seemed like the perfect set-up to do one of PHC's patented SFX bits; an off-beat excuse to allow Tom Keith to run through his assortment of sound-making toys. It's a short bit with a lot of silly pun-like sound cues and I thought it worked quite well. I don't recall trying to foist it on to the other radio outlets I was dealing with, they were all dealing with pop music outlets and probably wouldn't consider a sound-effects heavy bit, even if we could tie it to awards season. Needless to say, PHC took a pass on it.
The Noisy Awards
GK: ...But we are honored to be hosting the Academy of Noise and Sciences Awards. These awards, nicknamed "the Noisy" awards are presented for outstanding achievement in sound effects. And it's been a good year. Our first category is best use of a slide whistle. And the nominees are...."Journey to the Center of the Earth."
TR: Look, professor, I found a short cut to the center of the earth!
(side whistle down)
GK: "All Dogs Go to Heaven"...
(dog bark, side whistle up)
GK: "Up the Down stair case"...
(halting up whistle)
GK: And the winner is..."30 seconds over Tokyo."
(long down whistle)
GK: For best use of hoof beats the nominees are "Seven Horses for Seven Brothers":
TR: Hey, here come the horses now! All seven of them!
(hoof beats)
GK: "Filly on the Roof":
(few notes of "Tradition")
SS: Without tradition, our lives would be shaky, as shaky as a filly on a roof.
(Whinny and hoof beats clumping around)
GK: ..."101 Stallions"...
SS; Stop them! Stop those ponies or I'll never be able to make my pony-skin coat!
(multiple hoof beats)
GK: And the winner is "The Night Before Christmas"
SS: And up on the roof, we heard the prancing and pawing of each little hoof---
SC: On Dancer, on Prancer, On Donner, Oh, look a tin roof!
(hoof beats on metal)
GK: Now, for best use of a barnyard animal, the nominees are "Cow Green was my Valley...
(moo)
GK: ..."The Charles Chickens Story"...
(clucking)
GK: ...and "The Mighty Ducks."
(quacks)
GK: and The winner is, oh, it's the foreign entry, "Yak to the Future"...
(yak noise)
GK: Next up, best use of foot wear, the nominees are "The Running Man"...
(footsteps running)
GK: ..."The Shoes of the Fisherman."
(footsteps walking)
GK: And "The Man with one Red Shoe."
(shoe step with a barefoot step)
GK: And the winner is..."Das Boot."
(heaving walking)
GK: Well, congratulations to all the winners, but remember, it's an honor just to be heard.
end
TR: Look, professor, I found a short cut to the center of the earth!
(side whistle down)
GK: "All Dogs Go to Heaven"...
(dog bark, side whistle up)
GK: "Up the Down stair case"...
(halting up whistle)
GK: And the winner is..."30 seconds over Tokyo."
(long down whistle)
GK: For best use of hoof beats the nominees are "Seven Horses for Seven Brothers":
TR: Hey, here come the horses now! All seven of them!
(hoof beats)
GK: "Filly on the Roof":
(few notes of "Tradition")
SS: Without tradition, our lives would be shaky, as shaky as a filly on a roof.
(Whinny and hoof beats clumping around)
GK: ..."101 Stallions"...
SS; Stop them! Stop those ponies or I'll never be able to make my pony-skin coat!
(multiple hoof beats)
GK: And the winner is "The Night Before Christmas"
SS: And up on the roof, we heard the prancing and pawing of each little hoof---
SC: On Dancer, on Prancer, On Donner, Oh, look a tin roof!
(hoof beats on metal)
GK: Now, for best use of a barnyard animal, the nominees are "Cow Green was my Valley...
(moo)
GK: ..."The Charles Chickens Story"...
(clucking)
GK: ...and "The Mighty Ducks."
(quacks)
GK: and The winner is, oh, it's the foreign entry, "Yak to the Future"...
(yak noise)
GK: Next up, best use of foot wear, the nominees are "The Running Man"...
(footsteps running)
GK: ..."The Shoes of the Fisherman."
(footsteps walking)
GK: And "The Man with one Red Shoe."
(shoe step with a barefoot step)
GK: And the winner is..."Das Boot."
(heaving walking)
GK: Well, congratulations to all the winners, but remember, it's an honor just to be heard.
end
Years later, it found a home in a Writers Guild program that was attempting to revive radio as a venue for writers.
