From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
The show was back from it's winter break and broadcasting again in February 2002. And there were gearing up for an anniversary. It seemed like a decent premise to base a skit on. The show had done "alternate histories" of itself over the years, and I thought it fit along with the various "later tonight on your local public radio" commercial bits the show. I had forgotten about this sketch and it's just a remarkable goofy routine. It parodies radio, it parodies the Today Show, it parodies the Tomorrow Show (which was a pretty obscure target even back in 2002), it parodies Rush Limbaugh (which I often tried to slip in) and then it falls into one of my signature bits, where many people have the same name. I like to think of it as Pythonesque, because it's a ridiculous conceit, but I'm all in and follow it to a logical conclusion. But the show didn't think so. And it's really a bit that I felt couldn't be reworked for one of my other outlets back then. Now, maybe I could salvage it for the stage troupe. Which reminds me, I have a gameshow with all Jacks sitting on my hard drive that needs to be finished. Until then, I present:
The John Romain Show
GK: It's quite a milestone we've reached, celebrating another anniversary of the show. As most of you know, I'm just the latest in a series of hosts for this program. It's been a great run, back from when it first went on the air as Breakfast with Lilly and Buck...
BK: Hello, everyone and welcome once again to Breakfast with Lilly and Buck...
LY: It's five o'clock in the afternoon! Why are we having breakfast now!
BK: Joining us for flapjacks and syrup is Rex Lance and his Syncopated Foursome..
LY: Flapjacks? You make me wait all day to eat and all I get is flapjacks!
GK: Then of course came the years hosted by Colonel Cappy and His Talent Seekers.
CC: Yohza-yohza-yohza, welcome all to another exciting and entertaining edition of Colonel Cappy's Talent Seekers. My talent seekers have been scouring the land far and wide looking for the most talented citizens of the land. But, frankly, folks, it's slim pickings out there. You people simply aren't that talented. Man, if I listen to one more 13 year old sing "the Trolley Song," I'll scream, I swear I will. Good thing they invented radio, because if you people had to depend on each other for entertainment, I shudder to think what would happen to this nation.
GK: Turns out ol' Cappy was right, and the show didn't last too much longer. They then brought in the always entertaining, always controversial Ed Nauseum who attempted to take the show in a different direction...
ED: It's is Ed Nauseum, the only media source you'll ever need. People, I'm reading the papers and I'm flabbergasted! Those bleeding heart liberals are at it again, taxing us and giving away our money. They never stop, do they? Now that the war's over and Europe's been bombed back into the stone age, where they belong, I might add, this guy Marshall puts forward a plan to just GIVE THEM STUFF. Just give 'em money and more money! Just like that; lose the war, get a check. This does not bode well, people. I see a major disaster in the making, America...
GK: So Ed carried on for a while until he was tragically killed in a pastry-related accident. With Ed's passing, the producers decided to try to bring the show back to it's roots, be less controversial, more homey. They hired Lisa Roberts and Buddy Raymond to co-host the show back then...
LR: Welcome back, everyone. We've got a lot happening this half hour, don't we, Buddy?
BR: You bet we do, Lisa. Why don't you tell them about it?
LR: Indeed I will. Buddy has an interview with the ever-popular Albert Einstein and a new theory he has out.
BR: Exactly right, Lisa. And you'll be talking to Mr. Fluffy, the first rabbit launched into space.
GK: Lisa and Buddy introduced many of the famous elements we've come to love, like broadcasting from a studio with a window looking out on East Exchange Street. People would gather in front of the window and wave. Apparently they concept of radio hadn't quite sunk in yet. But Lisa would often go to the window and interview people, so they could say hi to the folks.
(tapping on glass)
LR: Hi, yes, you...no, no, you in the blue hat, yes, hi!
MN: (muffled) Hi!
LR: How are you?
MN: (muffled) What?
LR: HOW ARE YOU!
MN: (muffled) Good, good.
LR: What?
MN: I'm good!
LR: Oh, good, good. Want to say anything to the folks?
MN: (muffled) I want to wish my mother a happy 75th birthday!
LR: You want a fish? What?
GK: They were eventually forced to remove the window, after the blizzard of '63. It stranded many of the on-lookers, trapping them outside the studio, where, after several weeks they were forced to eat each other. Buddy and Lisa were never heard from again. While they re-built the studio and attempted to avoid much legal wrangling, the show, now re-named "Prairie Home Companion: Coast-to-Coast" was broadcast from a Winnebago, which traveled from town to town.
MK: This is Mary Kneemount from the "Coast-to-Coast" mobile unit. Are you there Sacramento?
(Static)
MK: It seems we're having technical difficulties.
(static, car horns)
DR: C'mon, move it! Move that car!
MK: It's not a car, it's a mobile unit!
(Honk)
TD: (on speaker) Hello? Mary, are you there? This is Todd in Sacramento!
(Honk)
DR: Move that jalopy!
MK: Knock it off, jerk, I'm on the air, here!
GK: Alas, the mobile unit was repossessed and then John Romain took over the hosting duties and began a long run, developing many of the features in place today...
JR: Hi, folks and welcome to Romain's Domain. Let's get ready to name that toad!
GK: Not all of them, but many.
(Intro music)
JR: It's Saturday night and time for Romain's Domain, starring me, John Romain. With our talented group of players, John Appleton, John Lamont and Joan Dainty. Of course, John Bosco and his Band of Merry Johns is on board. We have a great show tonight, glad you could join us. But first a word from our sponsors at the Mustard Advisory Board...
GK: John Romain settled down into a nice long run, until one day...
JY: Good show John.
JR: Thanks, Johnny.
JY: But the producer wants to see you.
JR: See me? I wonder what for?
(footsteps, knock on door)
PR: Come in.
JR: J.J., you wanted to see me?
PR: Oh, John, yes, please come in.
JR: What's up, JJ?
PR: Well, John, we're thinking of taking the show in a new direction.
JR: New direction? What kind of direction?
PR: Well, it's a direction that includes a lot less people named John.
JR: What do you mean?
PR: John, I'm looking over the credits of the show and it's a bunch of guys named John: John Bennett, John Tarentti, John McMurphy, Juan Gomez and one guy named Johnny John-John Johnson.
JR: That's the sound guy.
PR: People don't like that, John. It's too confusing for radio.
JR: It's not that confusing.
PR: It's affecting the audience, it's affecting the show, John.
JR: How can it be affecting the show?
PR: It's confusing! Look. (shouting!) Hey, John, come here!
(lots of footsteps)
ALL: Yeah, boss?
JR: Oh.
PR: Never mind guys. I'll get back to you. See, John, it takes to long to sort things out. And we've run out of nicknames.
JR: Are you sure?
PR: Positive. I've already talked this over with John, Johnny, Big John, Johnny boy, John-John, Little Johnny and Jack, and they all agree.
JR: What if I changed by name to Jon, you know, spelling it J-O-N.
PR: I appreciate the gesture, but it's still pronounced "John" so it really doesn't help.
JR: What now?
PR: We've already hired this bright lad, and he's all set to take the reins.
JR: What's his name?
PR: Garrison.
JR: No mistaking him for a John, I suppose.
PR: About as non-John as you can get.
JR: Certainly there must be a place for me still?
PR: Sorry, John, we're looking to create a "John-free" zone. Now, if you'll excuse me.
JR: Excuse you?
PR: I have to go to the john.
GK: And so the torch was passed to me and I've been thrilled to present it to you all, practically John-free.
end
BK: Hello, everyone and welcome once again to Breakfast with Lilly and Buck...
LY: It's five o'clock in the afternoon! Why are we having breakfast now!
BK: Joining us for flapjacks and syrup is Rex Lance and his Syncopated Foursome..
LY: Flapjacks? You make me wait all day to eat and all I get is flapjacks!
GK: Then of course came the years hosted by Colonel Cappy and His Talent Seekers.
CC: Yohza-yohza-yohza, welcome all to another exciting and entertaining edition of Colonel Cappy's Talent Seekers. My talent seekers have been scouring the land far and wide looking for the most talented citizens of the land. But, frankly, folks, it's slim pickings out there. You people simply aren't that talented. Man, if I listen to one more 13 year old sing "the Trolley Song," I'll scream, I swear I will. Good thing they invented radio, because if you people had to depend on each other for entertainment, I shudder to think what would happen to this nation.
GK: Turns out ol' Cappy was right, and the show didn't last too much longer. They then brought in the always entertaining, always controversial Ed Nauseum who attempted to take the show in a different direction...
ED: It's is Ed Nauseum, the only media source you'll ever need. People, I'm reading the papers and I'm flabbergasted! Those bleeding heart liberals are at it again, taxing us and giving away our money. They never stop, do they? Now that the war's over and Europe's been bombed back into the stone age, where they belong, I might add, this guy Marshall puts forward a plan to just GIVE THEM STUFF. Just give 'em money and more money! Just like that; lose the war, get a check. This does not bode well, people. I see a major disaster in the making, America...
GK: So Ed carried on for a while until he was tragically killed in a pastry-related accident. With Ed's passing, the producers decided to try to bring the show back to it's roots, be less controversial, more homey. They hired Lisa Roberts and Buddy Raymond to co-host the show back then...
LR: Welcome back, everyone. We've got a lot happening this half hour, don't we, Buddy?
BR: You bet we do, Lisa. Why don't you tell them about it?
LR: Indeed I will. Buddy has an interview with the ever-popular Albert Einstein and a new theory he has out.
BR: Exactly right, Lisa. And you'll be talking to Mr. Fluffy, the first rabbit launched into space.
GK: Lisa and Buddy introduced many of the famous elements we've come to love, like broadcasting from a studio with a window looking out on East Exchange Street. People would gather in front of the window and wave. Apparently they concept of radio hadn't quite sunk in yet. But Lisa would often go to the window and interview people, so they could say hi to the folks.
(tapping on glass)
LR: Hi, yes, you...no, no, you in the blue hat, yes, hi!
MN: (muffled) Hi!
LR: How are you?
MN: (muffled) What?
LR: HOW ARE YOU!
MN: (muffled) Good, good.
LR: What?
MN: I'm good!
LR: Oh, good, good. Want to say anything to the folks?
MN: (muffled) I want to wish my mother a happy 75th birthday!
LR: You want a fish? What?
GK: They were eventually forced to remove the window, after the blizzard of '63. It stranded many of the on-lookers, trapping them outside the studio, where, after several weeks they were forced to eat each other. Buddy and Lisa were never heard from again. While they re-built the studio and attempted to avoid much legal wrangling, the show, now re-named "Prairie Home Companion: Coast-to-Coast" was broadcast from a Winnebago, which traveled from town to town.
MK: This is Mary Kneemount from the "Coast-to-Coast" mobile unit. Are you there Sacramento?
(Static)
MK: It seems we're having technical difficulties.
(static, car horns)
DR: C'mon, move it! Move that car!
MK: It's not a car, it's a mobile unit!
(Honk)
TD: (on speaker) Hello? Mary, are you there? This is Todd in Sacramento!
(Honk)
DR: Move that jalopy!
MK: Knock it off, jerk, I'm on the air, here!
GK: Alas, the mobile unit was repossessed and then John Romain took over the hosting duties and began a long run, developing many of the features in place today...
JR: Hi, folks and welcome to Romain's Domain. Let's get ready to name that toad!
GK: Not all of them, but many.
(Intro music)
JR: It's Saturday night and time for Romain's Domain, starring me, John Romain. With our talented group of players, John Appleton, John Lamont and Joan Dainty. Of course, John Bosco and his Band of Merry Johns is on board. We have a great show tonight, glad you could join us. But first a word from our sponsors at the Mustard Advisory Board...
GK: John Romain settled down into a nice long run, until one day...
JY: Good show John.
JR: Thanks, Johnny.
JY: But the producer wants to see you.
JR: See me? I wonder what for?
(footsteps, knock on door)
PR: Come in.
JR: J.J., you wanted to see me?
PR: Oh, John, yes, please come in.
JR: What's up, JJ?
PR: Well, John, we're thinking of taking the show in a new direction.
JR: New direction? What kind of direction?
PR: Well, it's a direction that includes a lot less people named John.
JR: What do you mean?
PR: John, I'm looking over the credits of the show and it's a bunch of guys named John: John Bennett, John Tarentti, John McMurphy, Juan Gomez and one guy named Johnny John-John Johnson.
JR: That's the sound guy.
PR: People don't like that, John. It's too confusing for radio.
JR: It's not that confusing.
PR: It's affecting the audience, it's affecting the show, John.
JR: How can it be affecting the show?
PR: It's confusing! Look. (shouting!) Hey, John, come here!
(lots of footsteps)
ALL: Yeah, boss?
JR: Oh.
PR: Never mind guys. I'll get back to you. See, John, it takes to long to sort things out. And we've run out of nicknames.
JR: Are you sure?
PR: Positive. I've already talked this over with John, Johnny, Big John, Johnny boy, John-John, Little Johnny and Jack, and they all agree.
JR: What if I changed by name to Jon, you know, spelling it J-O-N.
PR: I appreciate the gesture, but it's still pronounced "John" so it really doesn't help.
JR: What now?
PR: We've already hired this bright lad, and he's all set to take the reins.
JR: What's his name?
PR: Garrison.
JR: No mistaking him for a John, I suppose.
PR: About as non-John as you can get.
JR: Certainly there must be a place for me still?
PR: Sorry, John, we're looking to create a "John-free" zone. Now, if you'll excuse me.
JR: Excuse you?
PR: I have to go to the john.
GK: And so the torch was passed to me and I've been thrilled to present it to you all, practically John-free.
end
