From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
I've forgotten what an overhaul this sketch had gotten from my submission. The show was since on its road trip and was doing the show from Hawaii. I broke the cardinal rule of writing for PHC, doing TV references. And that little bit of the bit is simply a set up to the main part of the sketch, a SFX skit about coconuts, which I had totally forgotten about. So, Garrison actually took my premise that the FCC requires all broadcast shows to do episodes from Hawaii, and swapped out my TV references (Brady Bunch, Sanford and Son) with other dated TV references like Mr. Ed, Gomer Pyle, Ed Sullivan...and Arthur Godfrey.). Obviously, they turned it into a bit that showcased Tim Russell vocal talents. Some of my references (I Love Lucy, Elvis) got in but vastly reworked. I guess because of that, I got no on air or online credit for the bit. But the SFX half is a pretty good, silly premise with the usual type of SFX antics. Sorry that didn't make it in.
The full show ishere. I put the broadcast version of the sketch below.
The full show ishere. I put the broadcast version of the sketch below.
The Hawaiian Rule
(GK, SS, TK, TR, SC: Santa Claus
GK: ...Coming to you live from Hawaii. Now, we didn't want to come to Hawaii. It really wasn't our idea, but it turns out that it's a regulation of the Federal Communications Commission. Apparently the FCC rules state that every broadcast program has to do an episode from Hawaii. We were surprised, too. But having done research, turns out it's true. Shows like "I Love Lucy" did a Hawaiian episode:
SS: But Ricky, I wanna be in the luau!
GK: Elvis, of course, did a very special program here:
TR: Aloha, aloha very much.
GK: Shows like "The Brady Bunch" came to Hawaii:
SS: Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!
GK: And "Sanford & Son":
TR: Lamont! Lamont! Lamont!
GK: So, here we are. But it turns out to work in our favor. It seems our sound effects man, Tom Keith had to put in a requisition for new coconut shells.
TK: That's right, Garrison. As you know, coconut shells are the preferred method for doing hoof beats. And lately, we've been doing a lot of horse sketches and it's been hard on my coconuts.
GK: I do apologize. But he's right. We have been doing a lot of horse sketches as of late...if you missed it, and who do you think you are if you did, we performed "Seven Horses for Seven Brothers":
TR: Hey, here come the horses now! All seven of them!
(hoof beats)
GK: And then there was "Filly on the Roof":
(few notes of "Tradition")
SS: Without tradition, our lives would be shaky, as shaky as a filly on a roof.
(Whinny and hoof beats glumping around)
GK: And for the kids, we did "101 Stallions"
SS; Stop them! Stop those ponies or I'll never be able to make my pony-skin coat!
(multiple hoof beats)
GK: And I'm sure our Christmas salute to the reindeer didn't help...
SS: And up on the roof, the prancing and pawing of each little hoof---
SC: On Dancer, on Prancer, On Donner, Oh, look a tin roof!
(hoof beats on metal)
TK: Yup. Cracked a number of shells in the last few weeks. Now it's time to get some new coconut shells, so, good thing we were headed here.
GK: And how's the coconut search coming?
TK: It's not so easy. I have to be aware of range. I have to be able to handle anything from a Clysdale...
(Heavy gallop)
TK: to a Shetland...
(light gallop)
TK: to one of those little mutant circus ponies..
(fingers drumming on board)
TK: I have to be able to have them handle gravel...
(on gravel)
TK: Wood...
(on wood)
TK: Cement...
(on cement)
TK: and pudding.
(plodding, sucking noise)
GK: I hadn't been aware of the need for pudding.
TK: That's why I'm the sound effects engineer and you're not.
GK: So it seems you have a lovely bunch of coconuts now.
TK: These are loaners. The coconuts I selected are being properly husk, treated and cured for optimum horse effects ability.
GK: And they'll be ready soon?
TK: Could take a week to ten days. Then, of course, the period needed to break them in, under strict coconut supervision.
GK: A week to ten days?
TK: Yes. We may have to stay over.
GK: Well that hardly seems fair.
TK: Hey, it's not me, it's the coconuts!
GK: Radio just never gets easier, does it?
end
GK: ...Coming to you live from Hawaii. Now, we didn't want to come to Hawaii. It really wasn't our idea, but it turns out that it's a regulation of the Federal Communications Commission. Apparently the FCC rules state that every broadcast program has to do an episode from Hawaii. We were surprised, too. But having done research, turns out it's true. Shows like "I Love Lucy" did a Hawaiian episode:
SS: But Ricky, I wanna be in the luau!
GK: Elvis, of course, did a very special program here:
TR: Aloha, aloha very much.
GK: Shows like "The Brady Bunch" came to Hawaii:
SS: Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!
GK: And "Sanford & Son":
TR: Lamont! Lamont! Lamont!
GK: So, here we are. But it turns out to work in our favor. It seems our sound effects man, Tom Keith had to put in a requisition for new coconut shells.
TK: That's right, Garrison. As you know, coconut shells are the preferred method for doing hoof beats. And lately, we've been doing a lot of horse sketches and it's been hard on my coconuts.
GK: I do apologize. But he's right. We have been doing a lot of horse sketches as of late...if you missed it, and who do you think you are if you did, we performed "Seven Horses for Seven Brothers":
TR: Hey, here come the horses now! All seven of them!
(hoof beats)
GK: And then there was "Filly on the Roof":
(few notes of "Tradition")
SS: Without tradition, our lives would be shaky, as shaky as a filly on a roof.
(Whinny and hoof beats glumping around)
GK: And for the kids, we did "101 Stallions"
SS; Stop them! Stop those ponies or I'll never be able to make my pony-skin coat!
(multiple hoof beats)
GK: And I'm sure our Christmas salute to the reindeer didn't help...
SS: And up on the roof, the prancing and pawing of each little hoof---
SC: On Dancer, on Prancer, On Donner, Oh, look a tin roof!
(hoof beats on metal)
TK: Yup. Cracked a number of shells in the last few weeks. Now it's time to get some new coconut shells, so, good thing we were headed here.
GK: And how's the coconut search coming?
TK: It's not so easy. I have to be aware of range. I have to be able to handle anything from a Clysdale...
(Heavy gallop)
TK: to a Shetland...
(light gallop)
TK: to one of those little mutant circus ponies..
(fingers drumming on board)
TK: I have to be able to have them handle gravel...
(on gravel)
TK: Wood...
(on wood)
TK: Cement...
(on cement)
TK: and pudding.
(plodding, sucking noise)
GK: I hadn't been aware of the need for pudding.
TK: That's why I'm the sound effects engineer and you're not.
GK: So it seems you have a lovely bunch of coconuts now.
TK: These are loaners. The coconuts I selected are being properly husk, treated and cured for optimum horse effects ability.
GK: And they'll be ready soon?
TK: Could take a week to ten days. Then, of course, the period needed to break them in, under strict coconut supervision.
GK: A week to ten days?
TK: Yes. We may have to stay over.
GK: Well that hardly seems fair.
TK: Hey, it's not me, it's the coconuts!
GK: Radio just never gets easier, does it?
end
