From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
I was disappointed this sketch didn't make it to air. We were coming up to the midterm elections, with the presidential elections after that. The Bush White House then came up with a plan to handle it. Every time there was good news or exceptional polling for the Democrats, the White House would suddenly declare a "Code Orange" to freak everyone out. After 9/11, the administration put together a chart with levels of alert the population should maintain. It ranged from "Go about your business" to "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!" And every time things would calm down, some bad news would come out about the Republicans and suddenly we were on maximum alert to wipe it out of the news cycle. It was insane and infuriating. And so blatant. And it worked every time. I wanted to call them out on it, in my own little way. This is what came of that.
The Adventures of the Code Orange Squad
(GK, FL: Florist, MS: Mrs. Swenson, TL: Team Leader, JY: Johnny)
TL: Green, Blue, yellow...those aren't our concern, but when when security's heightened and the code is orange, that's when they call us, The Code Orange Squad.
(musical theme/sting)
(Florist humming, shop bell jingles)
FL: Good day, Mrs. Swenson. What do you need today?
MS: I saw those daffodils and tulips in the window and I just had to have a bouquet made up.
FL: Certainly, Mrs. Swenson.
TL: Hold it right there, Aladdin.
FL: I beg your pardon?
TL: We're on to you.
FL: Who are you?
TL: We are the Code Orange Squad, the nation's heightened security guards.
FL: Okay. That's good. So what are you doing here?
TL: We've been picking up a lot of chatter along the terrorist communication lines, and your shop came up, didn't it Johnny?
JY: Sure did boss, sure did.
FL: My shop was mentioned by terrorists? What did they say?
TL: Very coy, Mohammed, if that's your real name.
FL: It's not.
TL: Read that transcript, Johnny.
JY: (reading) Hurry, Johnson. I need that shipment today. My customers are asking about it now that uraniums are in season.
FL: What?
TL: So, where's the shipment of uranium, Allah?
FL: I didn't say uranium. I said geraniums!
TL: What?
FL: It was a rush order of some geraniums. A flower. I sell flowers.
TL: Clever, Mostafva. Then explain these invoices for plutonium?
FL: Hm, yeah, okay, not plutonium, but potting soil.
TL: And the dirty bombs?
FL: Just dirt. We have quite a bit here.
JY: Ask him about the daisy clusters!
FL: Yes, these delightful and fragrant daisies clusters fashioned from fresh cut daisies.
TL: So, everything okay here?
FL: Yeah, pretty good. Business is a little slow, which isn't surprising, considering.
TL: Okay, then, we'll be leaving then, C'mon on, Johnny. Sorry.
FL: No problem. I guess it's good that you're on the job. I guess.
TK: (Bush) America, these are trying times before us and the Code Orange Squad can't do it alone. Be ever vigilant America, be alert, be wary. But not so vigilant and wary that you stop going out and spending money, because that would be bad and the economy would collapse like a house of cards built on top of a bowl of jelly. So, go down to the mall, be alert and buy something nice for yourself, America, you deserve it.
GK: This has been another story from the files of the Code Orange Squad.
end
TL: Green, Blue, yellow...those aren't our concern, but when when security's heightened and the code is orange, that's when they call us, The Code Orange Squad.
(musical theme/sting)
(Florist humming, shop bell jingles)
FL: Good day, Mrs. Swenson. What do you need today?
MS: I saw those daffodils and tulips in the window and I just had to have a bouquet made up.
FL: Certainly, Mrs. Swenson.
TL: Hold it right there, Aladdin.
FL: I beg your pardon?
TL: We're on to you.
FL: Who are you?
TL: We are the Code Orange Squad, the nation's heightened security guards.
FL: Okay. That's good. So what are you doing here?
TL: We've been picking up a lot of chatter along the terrorist communication lines, and your shop came up, didn't it Johnny?
JY: Sure did boss, sure did.
FL: My shop was mentioned by terrorists? What did they say?
TL: Very coy, Mohammed, if that's your real name.
FL: It's not.
TL: Read that transcript, Johnny.
JY: (reading) Hurry, Johnson. I need that shipment today. My customers are asking about it now that uraniums are in season.
FL: What?
TL: So, where's the shipment of uranium, Allah?
FL: I didn't say uranium. I said geraniums!
TL: What?
FL: It was a rush order of some geraniums. A flower. I sell flowers.
TL: Clever, Mostafva. Then explain these invoices for plutonium?
FL: Hm, yeah, okay, not plutonium, but potting soil.
TL: And the dirty bombs?
FL: Just dirt. We have quite a bit here.
JY: Ask him about the daisy clusters!
FL: Yes, these delightful and fragrant daisies clusters fashioned from fresh cut daisies.
TL: So, everything okay here?
FL: Yeah, pretty good. Business is a little slow, which isn't surprising, considering.
TL: Okay, then, we'll be leaving then, C'mon on, Johnny. Sorry.
FL: No problem. I guess it's good that you're on the job. I guess.
TK: (Bush) America, these are trying times before us and the Code Orange Squad can't do it alone. Be ever vigilant America, be alert, be wary. But not so vigilant and wary that you stop going out and spending money, because that would be bad and the economy would collapse like a house of cards built on top of a bowl of jelly. So, go down to the mall, be alert and buy something nice for yourself, America, you deserve it.
GK: This has been another story from the files of the Code Orange Squad.
end
