From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
The Adventures of the Code Orange Squad
TL: Green, Blue, yellow...those aren't our concern, but when when security's heightened and the code is orange, that's when they call us, The Code Orange Squad.
(Florist humming, shop bell jingles)
FL: Good day, Mrs. Swenson. What do you need today?
MS: I saw those daffodils and tulips in the window and I just had to have a bouquet made up.
FL: Certainly, Mrs. Swenson.
TL: Hold it right there, Aladdin.
FL: I beg your pardon?
TL: We're on to you.
FL: Who are you?
TL: We are the Code Orange Squad, the nation's heightened security guards.
FL: Okay. That's good. So what are you doing here?
TL: We've been picking up a lot of chatter along the terrorist communication lines, and your shop came up, didn't it Johnny?
JY: Sure did boss, sure did.
FL: My shop was mentioned by terrorists? What did they say?
TL: Very coy, Mohammed, if that's your real name.
FL: It's not.
TL: Read that transcript, Johnny.
JY: (reading) Hurry, Johnson. I need that shipment today. My customers are asking about it now that uraniums are in season.
TL: So, where's the shipment of uranium, Allah?
FL: I didn't say uranium. I said geraniums!
FL: It was a rush order of some geraniums. A flower. I sell flowers.
TL: Clever, Mostafva. Then explain these invoices for plutonium?
FL: Hm, yeah, okay, not plutonium, but potting soil.
TL: And the dirty bombs?
FL: Just dirt. We have quite a bit here.
JY: Ask him about the daisy clusters!
FL: Yes, these delightful and fragrant daisies clusters fashioned from fresh cut daisies.
TL: So, everything okay here?
FL: Yeah, pretty good. Business is a little slow, which isn't surprising, considering.
TL: Okay, then, we'll be leaving then, C'mon on, Johnny. Sorry.
FL: No problem. I guess it's good that you're on the job. I guess.
TK: (Bush) America, these are trying times before us and the Code Orange Squad can't do it alone. Be ever vigilant America, be alert, be wary. But not so vigilant and wary that you stop going out and spending money, because that would be bad and the economy would collapse like a house of cards built on top of a bowl of jelly. So, go down to the mall, be alert and buy something nice for yourself, America, you deserve it.
GK: This has been another story from the files of the Code Orange Squad.