T2: Jason, CC: Carol Channing, BD: Bob Dylan,
JV: Jesse Ventura, BC: Bill Clinton, EB: Edith Bunker, SK: State Delegate, TK: Tom Keith, DR: Director, AS: Arnold Scharzengger)
GK: It's great to be back, of course. I had a great vacation. A good summer. Very busy. A lot happened. For instance, Maybe you saw me on the game show "Name that Answer." I had an amazing winning streak there, appearing on the show for nearly 3 months.
AX: The father of the Constitution?
AX: Garrison rings in.
GK: Who is James Madison, Alex.
AX: That is correct.
GK: It was amazing. I was on fire, drawing on my vast knowledge of everything. I defeated one contestant after another.
C1: What is origami?
AX: I'm sorry, that's incorrect.
AX: Yes, Garrison?
GK: What is the Internet, Alex.
AX: Correct once again, Garrison.
GK: But I could tell the host was getting a little sick of me.
AX: Competing today is Regina Bower, a computer analysts, Harold Lox, a bank, and this guy yet again. I don't want to say he's been here a long time, but they've started forwarding his mail here. To the show. Because he's been here a long time. One more week and I have to declare him as a dependent.
GK: I was obviously taxing the host's comic abilities. But they had recently changed the rules of the show that a contestant could stay on the show as long as he kept winning. And it got interesting because the next week was the Teen Tournament, but I got to play through.
GK: What is Humpty Dumpty, Alex.
AX: Oooo, you got it right. What a shocker. Okay, listen up, kids... who was the author of "Little Woman?"
T1: Who is Jane Austin?
AX: Sorry, no. Anyone?
GK: Who is Lousia Alcott, Alex.
AX: Yeah, yeah. For 20 points, name the sequel to that popular book.
GK: "Little Men" written 1871.
AX: What was the last little pigs' house made of?
AX: Yes, Jason?
T2: Bricks, Alex.
AX: I'm sorry, Jason, it has to be in the form of a question.
GK: What are bricks, Alex.
T1: Hey, mister, why don't you give us kids a chance?
T2: Yeah, you big bully know-it-all.
GK: I mopped the floor up pretty good with those tykes, winning over $500,000 that week. Then came the Celebrity Tournament, where I was now pitted against famous people in show business.
AX: Yes, Carol Channing?
CC: What are the Nuremburg Trials?
AX: I'm sorry, that's incorrect.
AX: Yes, Garrison.
GK: What are the Amish.
AX: Correct. The next subject, Presidents. What president was famous for his Gettysburg Address?
BD: (Bob Dylan gibberish)
AX: The judges say no. Anyone else?
AX: Jesse Ventura.
JV: Who is Gerald Ford?
JV: Are you sure? I'm pretty certain I visited him at his Gettysburg Address. It was a timeshare he had.
AX: Bill Clinton.
BC: Who is Andrew Johnson?
AX: No, sorry.
BC: Oh, right, he was the only other president to be impeach. I think about him a lot.
AX: Edith Bunker?
EB: Was it...Eisenhower. I think that was his summer home.
AX: No, dingbat, that is not correct.
EB: For the last time, the name's Jean Stapleton!
(buzz, buzz, buzz)
AX: Oh, knock it off, Garrison. Stop toying with us and just answer the damn question.
GK: Who is Lincoln?
AX: You know you're right.
GK: And I'd be there still, but the game show changed the locks on the studio and I couldn't get in anymore. But just around then the Republicans asked me to speak at the convention. Apparently, they felt that since Ron Reagan Jr. spoke at the Democratic Convention, they needed to even things out. I didn't so much speak as sing a couple of choruses of our song, "We're all Republicans Now."
SK: (echo)...From the great state of Minnesota, state of a thousand lakes, the state that believes this country is only as great as its people, a state shaped kinda like a rectangle, but not quite, Garrison Keillor:
GK: (echo) What an honor to be here. I haven't seen this much money all together since the last pledge drive. No, but seriously folks, I love this country. A place where any dream can come true and anybody can be president. And I do mean anybody. That someone can overcome privileged birth and the old boys business network to become the leader of the free world is mind boggling. I know it boggles my mind.
GK: Pity about the lack of gavel-to-gavel coverage these days. But no sooner did the convention end then we learned that our team had been selected to participate in this year's Summer Radio Olympics. We had an exciting two weeks competing. It was truly awe inspiring, from the lighting of the torch...
GK: ...to the release of the doves...
GK: ...marred only by the fact that the doves flew too close to the flames...
(flame swoosh, eek sounds)
GK: Team PHC was there in force. We came to compete and we did exceptionally well in the lift and moo...
GK: ...and the free style door slam...
GK: And we even set the world record in the synchronized fog horn...
(series of fog horns)
GK: We captured the gold in all three events. It wasn't a perfect competition, however. We were out-of-the money in the indoor rant and finished a poor fourth in the two man lewd. But we finished up strong in the field events, including the 2x4, which is the event where you hit a melon with a 2x4...
GK: ...the hop, skip and BOING...
(foot falls and a boing)
GK: ...and Tom Keith had a personal best in the 100 meter chicken...
GK: With outstanding team effort on the relay slide whistle...
GK: We smashed the other teams like so many balsa wood guitars. We did have one set back when Tom pulled a hamstring on the car horn and honk.
(car horns, violin plink)
TK: Ow! My leg!
GK: He's on the mend. So we're very proud of our team, and we can't wait until the winter radio olympics in just two years. We've already begun training in such event as the shoosh and shoot...
(skiing sounds then gun sounds)
GK: ...the very popular ice spinning.
GK: And a new event, the caribou toss...
(caribou moo and a thud)
DR: Cut! Cut!
GK: What was wrong with that take?
DR: I wasn't feeling it. I didn't believe you were Garrison Keillor.
GK: But I am Garrison Keillor.
DR: No, no, it's not going to work. Bring in the Garrison double.
AS: It's a bout time. I'm here to make this an action picture. With bigger explosions and lotsa action.
GK: It's not what I had in mind.
AS: What do I care, you're only the actor.
GK: Actually, I'm the writer.
AS: Worse still. Girlie man.
DR: Take five, everyone. I have to mood this out.
GK: So that's what I was doing over my summer vacation.