From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
So, this was going to be the last show of the 2003-04 season and as I started to re-read this piece after 20-odd years, I thought it was going to be a goof on Keillor and his show, since I was featuring his fictional writer, Sarah Bellum. Back in the early days of TV, when a show went on summer hiatus, they would often replace it with a "summer series." It could be a variety show, a British import, or some left-over program that didn't make the cut. It starts with that as the premise. Maybe I'll come up with some wacky-sounding replacement radio shows with punny names. But that premise gets hijacked by a missing paranoid programing director. Then this sketch really takes an sudden turn. Evil dictator Suddam Hussein had been captured and as summer approached, they were setting up his trial for war crimes and general evil-ness. So, that was in the news and my little PHC parody became a Hussein sketch. No goofy radio shows. No (major) digs at PHC. No sly in-jokes about my stuff never getting selected. No summer cliff-hangers. Disappointingly, it didn't get selected. So, prepare to witness...
Summer Turnover
(GK, SS: Sara Bellum)
GK: And summer time is here. This is, of course, the last show of the season. And it is at this point that we will now formally turn over the time slot to the summer programing department, which have some wonderful summer shows lined up. So here now is the Deputy Director of Summer Programming, Wolf Attador. Welcome, sir.
SS: He's not here.
GK: What do you mean?
SS: He left about 2 days ago.
GK: Ladies and gentlemen, our head writer, Sara Bellum.
SS: Thank you ever so much.
GK: Now, then, why did he leave?
SS: We already turned the time slot over to him.
GK: We did? Where was I?
SS: You were really deep in thought over the ketchup bit, so they just went ahead with the transfer.
GK: Two days ago? But I thought we were supposed to do it today.
SS: Mr. Attador said there was some conflict in his schedule.
GK: That's odd. This was arranged months ago.
SS: He also said he wanted to turn over the time slot before "they" found out.
GK: "They?" What "they?" There's a they?
SS: Apparently. And he wanted to confuse them by transferring the time slot early.
GK: I don't even remember seeing him.
SS: Well, we did the transfer in the cellar, in that back office, in the dark. And then he was gone.
GK: He left behind the summer schedule, didn't he?
SS: Yes, yes he did. As it turns out, it's pretty much the same. Repeats of this show.
GK: And he left.
SS: Yes. Seems "they" were closing in on him.
GK: So, it's really not much of a turnover, is it?
SS: All things considered, no. However there is one thing.
GK: Yes?
SS: We got custody of Saddam Hussein.
GK: How did that happen?
SS: I'm not really sure, but he said we'd really be helping him out of a jam if we could do it. So now the staff is trying to figure out a schedule of who's-watching-him-when over the summer. We have you down for August 7 through the 14.
GK: What am I supposed to do with Saddam Hussein over the summer?
SS: Just keep him out of trouble until they set his court date.
GK: I don't want him with me.
SS: He'll be no trouble. It's not like he has any WMDs. He's had all his shots and he's lice-free. And he doesn't eat much. You can just stick him in a spider hole with some pretzels. I heard he's fine with that.
GK: It's kind of an inconvenience.
SS: Tell me something I don't know. I got him at the end of the month during my honeymoon. My fiance is livid. But I told him that if we don't do it, the terrorists win.
GK: Okay, fine, fine. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I just you'll be hearing more of the same all summer.
end
GK: And summer time is here. This is, of course, the last show of the season. And it is at this point that we will now formally turn over the time slot to the summer programing department, which have some wonderful summer shows lined up. So here now is the Deputy Director of Summer Programming, Wolf Attador. Welcome, sir.
SS: He's not here.
GK: What do you mean?
SS: He left about 2 days ago.
GK: Ladies and gentlemen, our head writer, Sara Bellum.
SS: Thank you ever so much.
GK: Now, then, why did he leave?
SS: We already turned the time slot over to him.
GK: We did? Where was I?
SS: You were really deep in thought over the ketchup bit, so they just went ahead with the transfer.
GK: Two days ago? But I thought we were supposed to do it today.
SS: Mr. Attador said there was some conflict in his schedule.
GK: That's odd. This was arranged months ago.
SS: He also said he wanted to turn over the time slot before "they" found out.
GK: "They?" What "they?" There's a they?
SS: Apparently. And he wanted to confuse them by transferring the time slot early.
GK: I don't even remember seeing him.
SS: Well, we did the transfer in the cellar, in that back office, in the dark. And then he was gone.
GK: He left behind the summer schedule, didn't he?
SS: Yes, yes he did. As it turns out, it's pretty much the same. Repeats of this show.
GK: And he left.
SS: Yes. Seems "they" were closing in on him.
GK: So, it's really not much of a turnover, is it?
SS: All things considered, no. However there is one thing.
GK: Yes?
SS: We got custody of Saddam Hussein.
GK: How did that happen?
SS: I'm not really sure, but he said we'd really be helping him out of a jam if we could do it. So now the staff is trying to figure out a schedule of who's-watching-him-when over the summer. We have you down for August 7 through the 14.
GK: What am I supposed to do with Saddam Hussein over the summer?
SS: Just keep him out of trouble until they set his court date.
GK: I don't want him with me.
SS: He'll be no trouble. It's not like he has any WMDs. He's had all his shots and he's lice-free. And he doesn't eat much. You can just stick him in a spider hole with some pretzels. I heard he's fine with that.
GK: It's kind of an inconvenience.
SS: Tell me something I don't know. I got him at the end of the month during my honeymoon. My fiance is livid. But I told him that if we don't do it, the terrorists win.
GK: Okay, fine, fine. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I just you'll be hearing more of the same all summer.
end
