From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
I actually included a topical joke at the top of this sketch for some reason:
I saw the stories about CEO of Tyco paying a lot of money on things. $445 for a pin cushion, $6,000 for shower curtains and $2,200 for wastebaskets. I can't help thinking that we we
could have gotten all the company board to shop at K-Mart, we would have avoided 2 bankruptcies.
As previously mentioned, it was Garrison Keillor's 60th birthday. And, as noted earlier, it seemed like a valid topic for humor. This is very loose two-hander made up of a series of jokes and thoughts I had over the course of my adulthood, rounded up and presented here, PHC style (so I thought). I guess nowadays these jokes and thoughts would be tweets. The insect one had been stuck in my head for ages. The toilet paper was another I clung to until I saw Ellen Degeneres do her TP set with the exact same "cheese wheel" reference. I really like the time-share joke. It didn't get used, so maybe I will tweet them out...
I saw the stories about CEO of Tyco paying a lot of money on things. $445 for a pin cushion, $6,000 for shower curtains and $2,200 for wastebaskets. I can't help thinking that we we
could have gotten all the company board to shop at K-Mart, we would have avoided 2 bankruptcies.
As previously mentioned, it was Garrison Keillor's 60th birthday. And, as noted earlier, it seemed like a valid topic for humor. This is very loose two-hander made up of a series of jokes and thoughts I had over the course of my adulthood, rounded up and presented here, PHC style (so I thought). I guess nowadays these jokes and thoughts would be tweets. The insect one had been stuck in my head for ages. The toilet paper was another I clung to until I saw Ellen Degeneres do her TP set with the exact same "cheese wheel" reference. I really like the time-share joke. It didn't get used, so maybe I will tweet them out...
Sixty
TK: So, how was your summer?
GK: My summer had its ups and downs. I got a timeshare.
TK: Those are nice.
GK: Didn't work out.
TK: No?
GK: I got it with Prof. Steven Hawking. But he just kept
proving how time can't be shared and hogged up all the vacations for himself.
TR: So, you turned the big 6-0.
GK: Yes. Yes I did.
TR: How's it feel?
GK: I still feel like I'm 20. Except when I try to comb my hair.
TR: Makes you think, don't it?
GK: No more than usual.
TR: Nice night.
GK: Yup.
TR: Look at all those bugs flying around the lantern.
GK: I see 'em.
TR: Makes you wonder.
GK: About what?
TR: They come out at night and fly right for the light bulb. If they like the light that much, why don't they come out during the day?
GK: Don't know.
TR: Evolution. That gets me thinking.
GK: How so?
TR: Sex.
GK: Sex?
TR: I mean, okay, the male can develop a sex organ over time, but really, what were the odds of a female developing a place to put it at the exact same time?
GK: Never thought about it like that.
TR: Must have been some frustrated species until they got that all worked out.
GK: Yeah. Could explain extinction.
TR: Yeah. Not like you're going to find a fossil of one of those.
GK: No, sir.
TK: Marshmallows.
GK: They get you wondering?
TK: All those cereals with the marshmallows. Marshmallows shaped like stars and moons, colored marshmallows, letter-shaped marshmallows and multi-colored marshmallows...
GK: Yeah, I've seen those.
TK: They even got those marshmallows that change colors in milk.
GK: Indeed.
TK: This country is just so far ahead in marshmallow technology.
GK: You sure like those marshmallows.
TK: At our age you get your thrills where you can. They say marshmallows make good bait.
GK: Only if your fishing for s'mores.
TK: They call it the autumn of our lives. Why do they call it autumn?
GK: I think because our hair changes color and falls off.
TK: Don't like growing old much.
GK: Beats the alternative.
TK: I don't feel old. I don't act old.
GK: Like they say, you're only young once, but you can be immature forever.
TK: You gonna do that?
GK: Nope. I'm going to shake my fist at young 'uns, chase kids off my lawn and rile against these new-fangled ways.
TK: Raise tomatoes?
GK: Why?
TK: Don't know. At our age, we're supposed to raise tomatoes.
GK: Can I chase kids out of the tomato patch?
TK: Don't see why not.
GK: Then, okay. Maybe I'll do that. Toilet paper.
TK: Toilet paper?
GK: Yeah. I think about it. Way do they keep making the rolls of paper fluffier and fuller? It doesn't fit in the paper holder then. And when I go to the men's room at work, they have these rolls of toilet paper the size of cheese wheels. I mean, what are they thinking? You're forced to try and pull the paper on the roll, but it's only toilet paper, after all. It can't support the weight of this big roll of toilet paper so the paper keeps ripping and tearing until you're left sitting there with the floor covered with bits and pieces of tattered T.P. It's very frustrating. Didn't used to be like that. Now they have these big old rolls of paper under lock and key like there's this huge black market in industrial grade T.P.
TK: Been thinking about that much?
GK: A bit. Granted, it's no marshmallow-type thought, but it's mine.
TK: Might as well head back in, eh, pops? What do you think, gramps?
GK: Might as well. Nothing biting out here except the comments.
TK: Happy birthday.
GK: Thanks.
end
GK: My summer had its ups and downs. I got a timeshare.
TK: Those are nice.
GK: Didn't work out.
TK: No?
GK: I got it with Prof. Steven Hawking. But he just kept
proving how time can't be shared and hogged up all the vacations for himself.
TR: So, you turned the big 6-0.
GK: Yes. Yes I did.
TR: How's it feel?
GK: I still feel like I'm 20. Except when I try to comb my hair.
TR: Makes you think, don't it?
GK: No more than usual.
TR: Nice night.
GK: Yup.
TR: Look at all those bugs flying around the lantern.
GK: I see 'em.
TR: Makes you wonder.
GK: About what?
TR: They come out at night and fly right for the light bulb. If they like the light that much, why don't they come out during the day?
GK: Don't know.
TR: Evolution. That gets me thinking.
GK: How so?
TR: Sex.
GK: Sex?
TR: I mean, okay, the male can develop a sex organ over time, but really, what were the odds of a female developing a place to put it at the exact same time?
GK: Never thought about it like that.
TR: Must have been some frustrated species until they got that all worked out.
GK: Yeah. Could explain extinction.
TR: Yeah. Not like you're going to find a fossil of one of those.
GK: No, sir.
TK: Marshmallows.
GK: They get you wondering?
TK: All those cereals with the marshmallows. Marshmallows shaped like stars and moons, colored marshmallows, letter-shaped marshmallows and multi-colored marshmallows...
GK: Yeah, I've seen those.
TK: They even got those marshmallows that change colors in milk.
GK: Indeed.
TK: This country is just so far ahead in marshmallow technology.
GK: You sure like those marshmallows.
TK: At our age you get your thrills where you can. They say marshmallows make good bait.
GK: Only if your fishing for s'mores.
TK: They call it the autumn of our lives. Why do they call it autumn?
GK: I think because our hair changes color and falls off.
TK: Don't like growing old much.
GK: Beats the alternative.
TK: I don't feel old. I don't act old.
GK: Like they say, you're only young once, but you can be immature forever.
TK: You gonna do that?
GK: Nope. I'm going to shake my fist at young 'uns, chase kids off my lawn and rile against these new-fangled ways.
TK: Raise tomatoes?
GK: Why?
TK: Don't know. At our age, we're supposed to raise tomatoes.
GK: Can I chase kids out of the tomato patch?
TK: Don't see why not.
GK: Then, okay. Maybe I'll do that. Toilet paper.
TK: Toilet paper?
GK: Yeah. I think about it. Way do they keep making the rolls of paper fluffier and fuller? It doesn't fit in the paper holder then. And when I go to the men's room at work, they have these rolls of toilet paper the size of cheese wheels. I mean, what are they thinking? You're forced to try and pull the paper on the roll, but it's only toilet paper, after all. It can't support the weight of this big roll of toilet paper so the paper keeps ripping and tearing until you're left sitting there with the floor covered with bits and pieces of tattered T.P. It's very frustrating. Didn't used to be like that. Now they have these big old rolls of paper under lock and key like there's this huge black market in industrial grade T.P.
TK: Been thinking about that much?
GK: A bit. Granted, it's no marshmallow-type thought, but it's mine.
TK: Might as well head back in, eh, pops? What do you think, gramps?
GK: Might as well. Nothing biting out here except the comments.
TK: Happy birthday.
GK: Thanks.
end
