From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell "prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
As summer was approaching, it was time to pull out summertime bits. I had written this piece as a prose article, then converted it into a Cracked magazine submission. It was accepted there, at least. I thought I did a fairly decent job at adapting it for radio, but I didn't make the cut. Perhaps it was a tad cruel and crude for GK, but I always fancied the idea of him reading certain expressions in that tone of his. Nevertheless, we now present the PHC version of...
Roller Coasters
GK: June is upon us. The summer season is here, a time for cook-outs, baseball and amusement parks. I'm a big fan of amusement parks and roller coasters, and very happy to have this portion of the show brought to you by Uncle Bud's Happy Fun Amusement Parks.
UB: Yessiree, we here at Uncle Bud's Happy Fun Parks are always looking to give our visitors the greatest thrills ever. That's why we're proud to announce the opening of our newest roller-coasters... The Washing Machine! First you travel up 4 stories, pelted by dirt and grease, then you plunge into a huge tank of soapy water and sent into a downward spiral known as "the Spin Cycle." Good, clean fun for all!
GK; Roller coasters are very popular, with each new one trying to out do the last.
UB: Uncle Bud here to tell you about the latest, greatest coaster ride ever, The Green Monster! A thrilling thrill ride that travels high into the sky then drops and turns, taking you beyond the park fence to where the jealous people are still standing and waiting in line and resenting you to all get-out! Yee-ha! Don't be surprised if they throw something at you!
GK: Apparently Uncle Bud has one of the largest collection of roller coasters in the country. And he says most of the lawsuits are "without merit."
UB: Uncle Bud here inviting you to Uncle Bud's Happy Fun Park with the best roller coasters on the planet! Get ready to ride the Under Construction: It's a twisting, turning thrill ride of excitement and nobody knows how it'll end. Including us! We haven't finished it yet, but why should that stop you from taking the ride of your life! Watch out for that last step, it's a doozy!
GK: For me, I'll always prefer the classic wooden coasters.
UB: Uncle Bud's Happy Fun Park is proud of it's classic Rickety Old Roller Coaster. It was built back in the era of the great wooden roller-coasters of yore then left in a state of disrepair, so it'll be just as dangerous and nerve-wracking as all those new-fangled high speed metal coasters that loop-de-loop and such. The Rickety starts off easy, but will you make it? We're not saying.
GK: There's a big push to make roller coasters more and more scary. This may not be a pleasant trend.
UB: Come to Uncle Bud's Happy Fun Park and ride The Gravity Master! Not a roller-coaster in the traditional sense, there's no cars or tracks. You're simply pushed off a 3 story tower into a bucket of tacks. If you never ride another roller coaster again, this'll be the reason! Yipee! Come early, lines form quickly for this ride of a lifetime!
GK: And each year brings a new family of roller coasters.
UB: Here at Uncle Bud's Happy Fun Park we are contractually obligated to present a theme park ride based on a hit movie. This year we settled on a roller coaster where we get to shoot at riders, so come on down and ride PEARL HARBOR: THE RIDE, it's contractual!
GK: Uncle Bud's Happy Fun Parks, "we got your fun right here."
the end
