From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
PHC was doing one of its remote shows, setting up shop in Miami. I had driven from NY to Orlando with kids and that seemed like a perfectly logical premise to build a sketch around. So I took a series of jokes and thoughts I had about the long drive and Florida and assembled them into a bit. I thought it was cute and a cool way to open the show, but what do I know. They didn't use it. I later re-worked it as a prose piece and did get it publish in the Staten Island Advance, but I'll be darned if I can find the old link or a copy of it in my scrapbook. Very unnerving. Yet, there it is, up on my header page above. I'm starting to wonder if my memories really exist at this point...
Road to Miami
(GK, WF: Wife, K1: Kid 1, K2: Kid 2)
GK: And it is a pleasure to be in amongst the snowbirds of Florida, but it's not an easy drive. We loaded up the car...
WF: Okay, I took all the summer clothes out of the attic so we're all set for Florida.
GK: Aren't we over packed? We will have a washing machine in the timeshare.
WF: What? I'm not on vacation, too?
GK: It would be a lot easier to load the car if we had less luggage.
WF: You checked the car, right?
GK: I had the mechanic look at it. It's fine.
WF: He checked the belts?
GK: Yes.
WF: The fluids?
GK: Yes.
WF: The brakes?
GK: I'm not sure.
WF: What if the brakes fail?
GK: I guess we'll get to Florida faster.
WF: Okay, kids, let's go to Florida.
KD: Yay!
(driving sounds)
WF: I can't wait to get to Florida. I love Space Mountain.
GK: We're not going to Space Mountain.
WF: Where are we going?
GK: Miami.
WF: Miami? Where's Miami? Is that in Adventureland?
GK; It's the city. South of Orlando.
WF: There are cities south of Orlando?
GK: There's half the state below Orlando.
WF: Who knew?
(driving noises)
K!: Are we there yet?
GK: No.
K1: Are we there yet?
GK: No. Why don't you kids count license plates?
K2: Okay, I see Minnesota!
K1: I see Minnesota too!
K2: I see another Minnesota!
K1: I see one over there!
GK: Actually, could you wait for us to leave Minnesota first?
(driving noises)
WF: So, this Miami, what is there to do there?
GK: They have beaches, and beautiful hotels, and a sizzling night life. There's jai lai, dog tracks, the Everglades are near by.
WF: Can we have dinner with the characters?
GK: Well, there are a lot of characters in South Beach.
K2: This license plate thing stinks. Everyone has stupid license plate holders that cover the state with the saying "My other car is a Mercedes" or "I'd rather be fishing."
K1: And I saw six different color plates and designs and they were all Florida? What's up with that? Can't they make up their minds?
GK: Then try counting the Waffle Houses.
(driving noises)
WF: Are you sure Miami is nice?
GK: There are plenty of nice places in Florida that don't end in the word "world." I mean, really, SeaWorld, Orchid World, Bargain World, Talk about riding someone's coat tails.
K1: Look, dad, Coat tail World! Can we go?
(driving noises)
K1: Mom! Stacy's looking at me!
K2: Am not!
K1: Are too!
K2: Am not!
GK: Kids, don't make me turn this car around. We'll go right home.
K1: Sure, dad. We've driven one thousand miles, like you're going to turn back now.
GK; I hate when they call my bluff.
(driving noises)
K1: Are we there yet?
GK: Are we still in the car? Are we still moving?
K2: Yes?
GK: Then I suppose we're not there yet.
WF: I'm getting hungry. Can we stop soon?
GK: Sure. Do you want to stop at the burger place that serves chicken, or the chicken place that has burgers?
WF: Surprise me.
(truck horn)
GK: Kids, please stop signaling the truckers to blow their horns.
K1: We didn't dad. It's the truck behind us. You're in his way.
GK: I'm doing the speed limit.
WF: Honey, we'll never get anywhere if you're only going to do the speed limit.
GK: Don't worry, once we get onto I-95, we'll fly.
GK: And, of course, it was only a matter of time before we finally reached Miami and here we are.
K1: Are all these people on line for the Jungle Cruise?
GK: No, they're on line to see this show.
K2: Now who's in Fantasy Land.
end
GK: And it is a pleasure to be in amongst the snowbirds of Florida, but it's not an easy drive. We loaded up the car...
WF: Okay, I took all the summer clothes out of the attic so we're all set for Florida.
GK: Aren't we over packed? We will have a washing machine in the timeshare.
WF: What? I'm not on vacation, too?
GK: It would be a lot easier to load the car if we had less luggage.
WF: You checked the car, right?
GK: I had the mechanic look at it. It's fine.
WF: He checked the belts?
GK: Yes.
WF: The fluids?
GK: Yes.
WF: The brakes?
GK: I'm not sure.
WF: What if the brakes fail?
GK: I guess we'll get to Florida faster.
WF: Okay, kids, let's go to Florida.
KD: Yay!
(driving sounds)
WF: I can't wait to get to Florida. I love Space Mountain.
GK: We're not going to Space Mountain.
WF: Where are we going?
GK: Miami.
WF: Miami? Where's Miami? Is that in Adventureland?
GK; It's the city. South of Orlando.
WF: There are cities south of Orlando?
GK: There's half the state below Orlando.
WF: Who knew?
(driving noises)
K!: Are we there yet?
GK: No.
K1: Are we there yet?
GK: No. Why don't you kids count license plates?
K2: Okay, I see Minnesota!
K1: I see Minnesota too!
K2: I see another Minnesota!
K1: I see one over there!
GK: Actually, could you wait for us to leave Minnesota first?
(driving noises)
WF: So, this Miami, what is there to do there?
GK: They have beaches, and beautiful hotels, and a sizzling night life. There's jai lai, dog tracks, the Everglades are near by.
WF: Can we have dinner with the characters?
GK: Well, there are a lot of characters in South Beach.
K2: This license plate thing stinks. Everyone has stupid license plate holders that cover the state with the saying "My other car is a Mercedes" or "I'd rather be fishing."
K1: And I saw six different color plates and designs and they were all Florida? What's up with that? Can't they make up their minds?
GK: Then try counting the Waffle Houses.
(driving noises)
WF: Are you sure Miami is nice?
GK: There are plenty of nice places in Florida that don't end in the word "world." I mean, really, SeaWorld, Orchid World, Bargain World, Talk about riding someone's coat tails.
K1: Look, dad, Coat tail World! Can we go?
(driving noises)
K1: Mom! Stacy's looking at me!
K2: Am not!
K1: Are too!
K2: Am not!
GK: Kids, don't make me turn this car around. We'll go right home.
K1: Sure, dad. We've driven one thousand miles, like you're going to turn back now.
GK; I hate when they call my bluff.
(driving noises)
K1: Are we there yet?
GK: Are we still in the car? Are we still moving?
K2: Yes?
GK: Then I suppose we're not there yet.
WF: I'm getting hungry. Can we stop soon?
GK: Sure. Do you want to stop at the burger place that serves chicken, or the chicken place that has burgers?
WF: Surprise me.
(truck horn)
GK: Kids, please stop signaling the truckers to blow their horns.
K1: We didn't dad. It's the truck behind us. You're in his way.
GK: I'm doing the speed limit.
WF: Honey, we'll never get anywhere if you're only going to do the speed limit.
GK: Don't worry, once we get onto I-95, we'll fly.
GK: And, of course, it was only a matter of time before we finally reached Miami and here we are.
K1: Are all these people on line for the Jungle Cruise?
GK: No, they're on line to see this show.
K2: Now who's in Fantasy Land.
end
