From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
This was one of my attempts to create a SFX-laden sketch that I thought would impress the gang at PHC. They often did these bits which put their sound effects guy, Tom Keith, center stage. Looking back, I can see some of the problems. I was doing a parody of summer movie blockbusters using the idea that radio did the same every summer. That may have been a bit too pop-culturey for GK. Yeah, a bit. There may have been too many parodies bundled together, but I always felt that the SFX sketches they did covered a lot of ground. I thought I was mimicking that. Also, it may have been too many speaking roles. I really tended to be lax about that. Not that anyone ever really said to keep the speaking parts down. On the other hand, I had chickens. So many chickens. I really thought that would win them over. For some reason I called the spy parody "The Man From SWAK" which was a comic parody I drew that mocked my first job. I had turned it into a script and was always mailing it out, so I don't know what I was thinking there.
I thought it was a cute sketch that would have been fun and funny. What do I know?
I thought it was a cute sketch that would have been fun and funny. What do I know?
RADIO'S SUMMER BLOCKBUSTERS
GK: Summer rapidly approaches and, of course, that can mean only one thing; the start of the Radio Summer Blockbuster season. That's when all the radio stations bring out their big-budgeted radio spectaculars. And, naturally, we are not immune to this. So we'd like to present a preview of our upcoming summer radio programs:
Like the amazing program "See Ya Later, Gladiator!" with a cast of thousands. We follow the story of a young Roman, Gludius Maximus...
GM: (Rocky-like) Yo!
GK: As he trains and fights his way to become the finest gladiator in the Roman Empire. He's helped in his quest by his aged mentor and trainer, Brutus Lexus...
BL: (all Burgess Meredith) Get in there, you big stupid Eye-talian! Keep your sword up! Sword up! Block with the shield, with the shield!
GM: Yo!
GK: We'll hear him in raging sword battles...
(CLANGING SWORDS)
BL: You call that fighting! I could teach your sister to fight better than that!
GK: And fighting deadly tigers...
(ROAR)
BL: Oh, it's just a big pussy cat, you pansy!
GK: And lions...
(ROAR)
BL: The tail! Go for the tail!
GK: And giant mutant killer chickens.
(CLUCKING WITH ECHO EFFECTS)
BL: What the hell?
GK: With a half-time show made up of a thousand Roman soldiers preforming precision matching...
(marching sounds and metal clanging)
GK: Followed by a no-holds-barred chariot race...
(HORSE SOUNDS, WHIPS)
GK: Through the very streets of Rome. All for the amusement of jaded Roman spectators who are there only to see if there are any accidents.
(CRASHING SOUNDS, EXPLOSIONS, CROWD NOISES AND CHEERS)
GK: Then finally he's chosen to fight before the Emperor at the Colosseum for one final battle to the death, where he's forced to fight his....own sister, Minnie Maximus!
BL: See! I told ya!
MM: Glut! Is that you?
GM: Minnie? Yo!
GK: How will the fight turn out? Well, you'll just have to tune in. Of course the summer wouldn't be summer without a grand science fiction adventure, and we've got a hum-dinger in our "Generation X-Men Files," the story of a group of mutant aliens who land on earth.
(HOKEY SPACE SHIP SOUNDS)
GK: To help battle evil. Each alien has a special power utilized in times of need. There's Muuck, who has the strength of three men...
MK: I'll open that jar, ma'am.
SS: Why, thank you, Muuck.
GK: Clud, who can control thunder...
(THUNDER. BABY CRYING)
SS: Clud! You woke the baby!
CL: Sorry.
GK: And Beccka, who possesses the power of the Caribou...
(CARIBOU CRY)
GK: And they combine forces to battle the evil Dr. Denton, who has plans to take over the world with his army of radio-controlled chickens...
(CLUCKING AND STATIC, RADIO TUNING NOISES)
DD: Ha-ha! Those foolish Generation X-Men Files think they can stop me? Ha! Go, my pretty poultry, go and unleash hell!
GK: And it all comes to a climax in a frightening battle, where they fight using laser swords...
(HUM, BUZZ, CLASH)
GK: Laser guns...
(ELECTRONIC WHISTLE SHOTS)
GK: And laser printers...
(BEEP, HUM, PING)
GK: How will the battle end? Will the evil Dr. Denton and his rouge chickens be thwarted? Will the earth be saved? Well, you'll have to tune in. Then we have our big action adventure broadcast, the international spy story, "The Man From SWAK." It's the story of the famous secret agent...
DS: The name's Smythe, Devin Smythe
GK: The oddly named Smythe Devin Smythe, who is on the trail of the wicked Professor Mel Licious, who is attempting to bring coals to Newcastle, in an attempt to control the world's supply of fossil fuels. In his suped-up Bently, Smythe chases the Professor through Hong Kong...
(bit of Chinese music, CAR RACING, SCREECHING, GUN SHOTS)
GK: ...through New Delhi...
(bit of Indian music, CAR RACING, SCREECHING, GUN SHOTS)
GK: ...through Bangor, Maine...
(bit of New England music CAR RACING, SCREECHING, GUN SHOTS)
GK: ...and back through Hong Kong again.
(bit of Chinese music, CAR RACING, SCREECHING, GUN SHOTS)
GK: It wouldn't be an action spy show without an alluring femme-fatale. And agent Smythe meets up with the infamous Heidi Gudenbed.
SS: So, Mr. Smythe, we meet at last.
DS: You know me?
SS: You are the only world famous secret agent. I would imagine it makes it hard to do your job.
DS: Did you say "hard?"
GK: It not long before the Wicked Professor traps Smythe in a stolen space shuttle and launches him into space...
(BLAST OFF SOUNDS)
GK: Where somehow chickens get involved...
(clucking sounds)
GK: Can Smythe escape the space shuttle? Can he stop Mel Licious? Will he bankrupt the British government with all his fancy high tech equipment? Well, you'll have to tune in.
We're also thrilled to present a powerful "man vs. nature" drama; the true story of a ferry boat that attempts to make the crossing during "The Really Big Storm."
(THUNDER, WIND)
GK: Yes, Capt. Jerry Cork...
JC: Ahoy, maties!
GK: Is hired to take a band of misfits...
(BAND PLAYS BADLY)
GK: Aboard his Catalina ferry and get them to the mainland during a fierce combination hurricane/typhoon. It starts out simply enough as fog...
(FOG HORNS)
GK: But once the wind howls and the waves rise...
(WIND, WAVES)
GK: Capt. Cork knows he's in for the voyage of his life. His boat is tossed like a salad over the 100 foot waves. His passengers and crew are bounced around like so many Superballs.
(SPRING/BOINKS)
JC: Batten down the hatches! All hands on deck! Shiver me timbers!
GK: The storm rages on. Crew members are knocked off the ship by huge swells which crash over the sides.
(SPLASH)
TR: Man overboard!
GK: Passengers are swept off the ship.
(SPLASH)
TR: Man overboard!
GK: The dietitian is swept off the ship.
(SPLASH)
TR: Woman overboard!
GK: As are pets and several barnyard animals...
TR: Cow overboard!
(MOOS AND BARKING)
TR: Sparky! Sparky overboard!
GK: Capt. Cork quickly acts to rescue his charge when suddenly, the ship is put upon by a school of tuna. Now, this doesn't seem like much, until you realize that tuna are called chicken of the sea...
(CLUCKING AND GURGLING)
GK: Armed with only a fork and a jar of mayonnaise, Capt. Cork is forced to battle this school of hard-knock tuna in the fiercest storm of the century. Will he beat them back? Can he get his passengers to shore? Well, you'll have to tune in...
And that's just some of the exciting projects we have in store for you, coming this summer to a radio near you.
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