From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
This one I knew never had a chance. It's just some silliness I wrote up and then grabbed it for PHC. They had a reoccurring character, a fashion model, Cynthia Maxwell, and I figured I'd adapt it for her, maybe actor Sue Scott would set in and fight for another role. Alas, no. I'm sure mispelling "midriff" throughout didn't help my chances either.
American Society for the Prevention of Midrift Abuse
GK: And now, with an important message, high profile super-duper model, Cynthia Maxwell.
SS: Like, good evening, everyone. I'm Cynthia Maxwell, and, like, I'm here with an important message. I have been asked to be honorary chair-model for the ASPMA: The American Society for the Prevention of Midriff Abuse.
It's come to our attention that there is a growing number of women, heavily influenced by music videos and beer commercials, who are now wearing low-rider jeans and short cut-off shirts. Sometimes together! And, so, like, it's not pretty. Not everyone can wear these clothes. When you see me in my DKNY low cut hip huggers, or my Halston belly shirt, remember, I am a trained professional. My body is kept taut to within an inch of its life. I work out daily and maintain a special diet of food-like substances. So, like, when I don such apparel, it is under the supervision and trained eyes of fashion experts.
The recent out-break of midriff has us at the ASPMA very concerned. No one wants to see a repeat of the Spandex Horrors of the 90s. And the cold weather is now here and we'd like to prevent cases of belly button frost or chapped hips.
When attempting to wear midriff revealing clothing, ask yourself these simple questions: "How many children have I borne?" "Would one consider these scars noticeable?" "How much pie did I just eat?" And if still in doubt, remember these two little words: "ask someone." You'll be glad you did. And so will we.
I'm Cynthia Maxwell for the ASPMA, where our motto is "Fashion faux pas? For sure!" Thank you and ta-ta!
GK: Cynthia Maxwell and the American Society for the Prevention of Midriff Abuse. A tummy is a terrible thing to displace.
end
SS: Like, good evening, everyone. I'm Cynthia Maxwell, and, like, I'm here with an important message. I have been asked to be honorary chair-model for the ASPMA: The American Society for the Prevention of Midriff Abuse.
It's come to our attention that there is a growing number of women, heavily influenced by music videos and beer commercials, who are now wearing low-rider jeans and short cut-off shirts. Sometimes together! And, so, like, it's not pretty. Not everyone can wear these clothes. When you see me in my DKNY low cut hip huggers, or my Halston belly shirt, remember, I am a trained professional. My body is kept taut to within an inch of its life. I work out daily and maintain a special diet of food-like substances. So, like, when I don such apparel, it is under the supervision and trained eyes of fashion experts.
The recent out-break of midriff has us at the ASPMA very concerned. No one wants to see a repeat of the Spandex Horrors of the 90s. And the cold weather is now here and we'd like to prevent cases of belly button frost or chapped hips.
When attempting to wear midriff revealing clothing, ask yourself these simple questions: "How many children have I borne?" "Would one consider these scars noticeable?" "How much pie did I just eat?" And if still in doubt, remember these two little words: "ask someone." You'll be glad you did. And so will we.
I'm Cynthia Maxwell for the ASPMA, where our motto is "Fashion faux pas? For sure!" Thank you and ta-ta!
GK: Cynthia Maxwell and the American Society for the Prevention of Midriff Abuse. A tummy is a terrible thing to displace.
end
